Please don’t kill the messenger.
I’m just the messenger with information you need to navigate your relationship pursuit, to warn you ahead of time that you may not want these myths dispelled and react to me for dispelling them. I understand that you may prefer the myths over the reality because it may put undue responsibility for being conscious and connected upon entering the sacred space of co-creation and being actively and fully engaged in the process when you are there and are responsible for what happens there. If you are pursuing making deeper connections and connection and intimacy and are wanting to learn how to maximize your chances of success, you’ll really appreciate my dispelling the greatest myths about relationships.
Dispelling myths is exposing myths for what they are - false beliefs that pervade our psyches and dictate life’s choices, how we relate and the relationships we create by switching the light on where there was darkness, to make what was unconsciousness conscious. They live in the darkness of our unconscious. Deeply internalized, long-held unconscious beliefs, rather false beliefs, or illusions often become the bedrock of our wellbeing, that makes us feel more comfortable, better, relieved, excited and motivated. So some shock, dismay and withdrawal are to be expected. On the other hand, if you prefer to base your relationship experience and wellbeing and bank on denial and delusion to stay in your comfort zone, this discussion make not penetrate your shield. You have the ability to select out which information and learning you’ll stay mindful about and which you’ll keep in your unconscious. I’ve often found myself speaking to people who aren’t inclined to look inside and don’t care all that much about what is real or intimacy. They didn’t want their myths dispelled, were set in their ways about what matters most or least, when it comes to relating, meeting new people or deepening existing relationships. It’s as if nothing else matters or could be more important than level of attraction, sex, great sex, being or falling in love and the mythology of appearance, beauty and talent. What you are ultimately after determines how you feel and deal when these myths or illusions are laid bare; when you’re sitting in the aftermath of, “I guess, it’s not the way I thought it was.” “I guess there’s more to what makes a relationship work than I thought there was.” The message here is that in order to make deeper and more meaningful connections and co-create intimacy and become the co-creator you have the potential to become, is by being conscious and connected to what is going on inside of you and being mindful to practice reversing your perception - from outside in to inside out or – shifting your attention to what is going on inside of the person you are relating with, so that you can express and feel into each other’s unique essences. Too often we never get past the outside appearance, our projections or excitement, and completely missing what matters most, that is, what is happening inside of you and what is happening inside of the other. Yes, attraction is important, usually at the top of the list of what you’d and I’d like, but its small potatoes considering the long-term trajectory of a relationship. Okay, not such small potatoes. I know how it feels in my body, a tornado of excitement takes over me, an irresistible rush that makes me highly motivated, incentivized. But I have also learned that attraction is not a constant or continues indefinitely on its own, you will not always feel attracted, that it ebbs and flows over the life of a relationship. When isolating just on the phenomenon of attraction, looking down from above, objectively speaking, I see it for what it is and how overhyped and over-valued for so many people out there looking to connect the prevailing myth is that attraction is all that matters, is first and foremost; it’s attraction or bust. The myth of attraction also has the effect of dis-incentivizing the lack of attraction, that is, to ignore everything else, miss the forest for the trees, take the road never traveled. The main message here is for you to question the myth of attraction for yourself. I want to bold the distinction between attraction and an emotional connection, rapport or intimacy, so that you can be mindful when you are relating to not fall into the trap of mistaking one for the other and not allowing a developing relationship be based on how attracted you may feel. If you do fall into the trap, the relationship’s future will be more precarious. When you are mindful of this distinction, its future will be brighter. While attraction can certainly heighten your experience and add a layer of excitement on top of an established connection or rapport, it is not a pre-requisite for connecting deeply, a strong rapport or an otherwise intimate relationship. And as aroused and excited you may be, there is nothing inherently nourishing about attraction and it is not a solid basis to pursue a relationship or assess its future. When you’re driven by your need for connection and are longing for intimacy, you need a lot more to go on than attraction. Both people must be bringing and looking for more substance, realness and depth than the puff of smoke of attraction. The co-creative processes of relating, connecting, intimacy and conversations are themselves inherently nourishing, as well as the experience of connection and intimacy are also themselves nourishing, enlivening and inspiring. Sex, too, is way overblown and shouldn’t be held front and center, or held as tightly and long as it has, considering the life of a relationship. Although sex, or great sex are key ingredients of a dynamic, intimate, full-filling and enduring relationships, and feel really good and intimate, it’s a far cry from intimacy and an emotional connection. It doesn’t figure as a large factor in the overall scheme of things. Sex, even great sex, is not, by any means, reliable criteria for assessing the quality of a developing relationship, the potential for the relationship to work out, how much two people are able to talk to each other, have the conversations that need to be had and how well they understand each other. Here we go again. If what you are ultimately after is to make deep, intimate connections and not get derailed by the mythology and excitement of sex, you have to shift your perception paradigm from outside in to inside out. You also have to be conscious and connected – have a relationship with your Self – to bring your most connectable, alive and fertile self – which is what makes conception or connection possible. And as great and exciting as sex can be, there is nothing inherently nourishing about sex in itself; when in contrast, connection and intimacy which are inherently nourishing. Being and Falling in Love- It’s not true. That if you are not in love or falling love, the relationship is ill-fated, there is something missing or wrong with you or the relationship. It’s not true, that it doesn’t bode well if you are not feeling it or lost it. Being or falling in love are not all the love there is or that being or falling in love is the only love that matters. It’s as if love doesn’t matter unless you’re in love. We tend to forget, go unconscious or don’t want to know that “in-love” is an altered state of idealization, the nature of which is temporary, intensified and mind, mood and perceptually altering. They are peak experiences (until we come down). We get disconnected from reality and ourselves, lose all objectivity and rationality, when escape and excitement become all consuming; we lose ourselves when intoxicated. We tend to lose sight of the fact that that ‘in love’ implies temporary, not permanent or sustaining in itself. ‘In love’ is not representative of the reality of lasting intimate relationships, the many layers and manifestations of an ever growing and deepening relationship or what happens in the sacred space of co-creation. In this heightened stated, we may feel like and believe that the relationship can and will last forever, and that something is wrong if it doesn’t. Idealization is mistaken for a deeper connection or intimacy. When ‘in love,’ there is no room for a broader, more varied range of emotional experience, difficult feelings, conflicts and differences to have to be navigated. The question to ask is, “What do you have to fall back on when you or the one you’re with are no longer feeling it? What happens to the relationship in your mind? Any love at all? Any connection? How solid was the connection the relationship was built on in its earlier, formative stages? It’s an often a painful and disillusioning crash when there is nothing else to fall back on. The Mythology of Appearance, Beauty and Talent - Another fallacy, focusing more energy and attention on the outside than the inside is a sure path to disillusionment. Like being or falling in love, perceptual alteration occurs and there is a loss of connection with oneself. They become hard wired projections that don’t bear out. It’s a trap I myself have fallen, and still fall into. I often get excited about how beautiful or talented someone is, I’m awestruck, imagining how great people they must be and how great it would be just being around each other. I’ll behave uncharacteristically. I automatically give someone who I find stunningly beautiful or extraordinarily talented, the benefit of any doubt. When fueled by my projected imagination, I’m just like anyone else; missing the boat, veering way off course and am probably no doubt, unprepared for the crash that will inevitably happen when I find out I was wrong, when realizing that they weren’t who I thought or adamantly believed they were. I’ve come to understand why I hang on to the myths and am so susceptible to falling into that trap is that they feed me on some level, my ego; they make me feel better and look better and they provide a level of excitement that enhances my wellbeing. I don’t care that my wellbeing rests on a myth that doesn’t exist in reality and is nothing more than projection. Appearance, beauty and talent, real or otherwise, are not by themselves nourishing, not correlated with substance, depth, consciousness, aliveness, grounded-ness and creativity. They don’t make one more fertile or connectable or more able to conceive in the sacred space of co-creation, or more fit for the rigors of intimacy. They are not in any way correlated with having a relationship with your Self because having a relationship with your Self is an inside job. Relationships don’t just happen. They are created. If it is deep connections or intimacy you are ultimately after, it will behoove you to be mindful to understand attraction, sex, great sex, being or falling in love or the myth of appearance, beauty or talent as disparate from the co-creative process and experience of intimacy. These myths do not translate in reality. Relationships don’t work that way.