Decades of working with individuals in recovery taught me that recovery is only just beginning after a sustained period of stabilization or sobriety is achieved. I saw many early stage recovering people venture out on their own, raring to connect, but come away demoralized, unable to stay afloat in an ocean of other relationship- challenged people hungry for connection who were as lost as they were. There was no connection to be had.
The over-arching theme in their struggles was not only the lack of experience in meaningful and nourishing relationships and lack of experience in healthy relationships, no one seemed to have a clue about how to relate and connect. I saw a glaring need for guidance, an accelerated training that would empower them with clear, specific principles, guidelines, strategies for the first time you meet someone.
This is what you need to know. You must understand the creative process itself, while also focusing specifically on the arts of dating, relating, connecting and communicating. As is the case with any art form, basic principles apply, specific skills are required, and continuous practice is necessary to achieve proficiency. You also must be highly motivated and hungry.
​

1. Relationships begin the first time you meet someone.

How people relate initially often sets the pattern for future interactions, like DNA. Honesty breeds honesty; dishonesty breeds dishonesty; rapport breeds rapport. Every interaction matters. You are both in a relationship and developing one simultaneously.

2. What is a date?

A date is a time-limited encounter to assess mutual feeling, decide on a future meeting, and communicate that decision (the "verdict"). Establish a "dating contract" upfront: both agree to assess the experience and communicate a "verdict" (thumbs-up/down) about meeting again. This is "closing the date."

3. Enter every relating encounter with a clean slate.

"Clean slate" means approaching encounters with openness, focusing on present-moment feelings and responses. This allows for objective assessment, unclouded by past experiences. Like a batter approaching each pitch anew, daters should approach each encounter fresh, not letting past "strikeouts" or "hits" dictate their current approach.

4. Relationships are co-created.

Relationships don't just happen by luck or sheer will. They are co-created through joint effort, a function of the unique chemistry between two people.

5. Be committed to the process.

Commitment to the process means approaching each encounter with unconditional interest and

conscious intention to connect, regardless of the odds (like a batter focused on the process, not just hits). This commitment is key to consistency, resiliency, and navigating highs and lows.

6. Intimacy begins with rapport.

Rapport, a joint effort, is the seed of intimacy. Understanding both concepts is crucial. Rapport involves free, spontaneous, and truthful listening and responding, without self-monitoring or anticipating outcomes—a natural unfolding. Rapport fosters mutual interest, honesty, and understanding, potentially lasting throughout the relationship.

7. Distinguish sexual attraction and sex from emotional intimacy.

A common pitfall is mistaking sexual attraction/sex for emotional intimacy, often reflected in phrases like "we were intimate" or "we made love." Sexual attraction doesn't correlate with relationship quality and can be blinding, obscuring other important qualities. Distinguishing physical nakedness/sex from emotional intimacy is key. Physical aspects don't guarantee depth or substance; sex alone isn't sustainable for a relationship.

8. Be prepared for the four basic dating scenarios and their challenges. These scenarios are common and unpredictable until you're in the moment. Each presents unique challenges:

​