One of the latest developments in the field of addiction is the Relationship Model of Addiction™ (TRMA™). The prevailing approach to addiction for the past 75 years has been a medical- or disease-based model. based model.


When the American Medical Association established that alcoholism qualified as a disease - a "pathological dependence," only objective criteria applied, only genetic, biochemical, and behavioral factors were considered. Subjective criteria (emotional, psychological and relationship factors) were virtually ignored.


TRMA defined addiction as a relationship (not a disease) with a means of relief from the of unmet emotional needs or lack of nourishment. Alcoholism (and addiction) is defined as a “pathological relationship” as opposed to a “pathological dependence, and focuses primarily on the mental, emotional, psychological, and relational aspects. It is the need to relieve that pain that drives the addiction; the greater the pain, the greater the need to relieve that pain.

What distinguishes codependency from substance and process addictions (to gambling, porn. or sex) is that codependent gets emotionally involved or 'hooked' on other people, which greatly complicates things, when communication exchanges are emotionally charged and multi-layered.


What is codependency?


Codependency is a deep, longstanding pattern of considering others before yourself, and caring more about their needs than your own. Suppression and disconnect from one's feelings is how we cope, protect, defend ourselves when growing up in an environment void of nurturing and where it was unsafe to be vulnerable or to express feelings.


A codependent relationship is a highly imbalanced one. The focus is on the other person, not on oneself, and comes at the expense of oneself. Codependents often find themselves depending on others who fail to provide very little, if any emotional nourishment, who are unstable and consumed with their own problems, and who are often in the throes of some kind of addiction themselves.


Codependents' behavior often occurs in the guise of caring or loving. Codependents are known to put themselves into the role of savior or hero, desperately "needing to be needed," to feel important and that they matter. The other person becomes the codependent's 'raison d'être, or life's purpose.



Denial makes it impossible for the codependent person to be conscious of his/her feelings of shame and worthlessness which are rooted at the core of their motivation. They can't see when they're over-involved or loving too much, and that they are "going down with the ship."
As is the case with other addictions, the emotional holes codependents are trying to fill only get bigger as they exhaust themselves in the process. Their hunger becomes internalized, that is, turns into negative self-feelings. "I am a failure." "I am worthless." "I am unlovable". "I don't matter." They are trying in vain to affirm they are worthy, needed, wanted, loved and can make a difference, when deep down they believe that they are not.


Are you codependent?


Self-Assessment Questionnaire: The following questions can help identify potential codependency:

Do you hide your feelings?

Do you feel "never good enough"?

Do you blame yourself for others' problems?

Do you put more effort into the relationship than your partner?

Do you believe a bad relationship is better than none?

Is it hard to say "no"?

Do you avoid confrontation?

Do you feel helpless or trapped?

Are you preoccupied with your partner's problems?

Do you make excuses for your partner?

Does embarrassment make you avoid others?

Do you make empty threats to leave?



If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider the possibility that you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. While codependent behavior may be deep seated and longstanding, understanding codependency as an addiction and recognizing one's own tendencies is the first step on the path of recovery.

Identifying Common Tendencies and Characteristics of Codependency

The questions posed in the above Self-assessment questionnaire point to common tendencies and characteristics of codependency.
For example, do you feel you have to hide your feelings? One of the hallmark features of codependency is the suppression of feelings and overall disconnection from your inner experience, i.e., what you’re thinking, feeling, wanting, or considering self-care as your top priority. You’re unconsciously driven to cover up or disconnect from your feelings and are completely unaware of losing yourself in the process. This often manifests by a discrepancy between how a person appears on the outside versus what’s going on internally.
For example, when I was pointing to the disparity between “what I see on the outside and what’s going on internally, my client was initially taken aback but tried to account for the discrepancy, "My parents never knew or cared what I felt, which is why I checked out. I stopped feeling my feelings a long time ago. I pride myself on my ability to hide behind a cool and controlled appearance." When she was talking about having to communicate to her addicted husband, tears gushed from her face while remaining expressionless. It seemed as if she didn't want to know she was crying but couldn't stop herself.


In another case example, a patient who was struggling to end a relationship with a boyfriend, frequently lapsed into 'euphoric recall,' focusing her attention on "how good we were together" and "how great of a guy he was." Despite often feeling criticized or blamed by him, she remained blind to the lack of intimacy that plagued their relationship, she was unable to control her urge to contact him. She couldn't see that the longer she stayed in the relationship, the worse she felt about herself.


As the process of her therapy took hold, she became more aware of being driven by a deeply embedded sense of worthlessness and feeling undeserving of love. She was beginning to understand that, in order to break the cycle of ending up feeling abandoned, rejected and hopeless, she must learn and practice principles of self-care, so that she can one day rely on herself for nurturance and guidance.


How does the codependent break the cycle?


If conscious of them at all, the codependent's own needs, wants and feelings are way down on his or her list of priorities and considerations. It follows then that recovery is a process of reprioritization - learning to consider one's own needs, wants and feelings first, before deciding on a course of action. "What am I needing, wanting and feeling?"


How the codependent operates in relationships changes to considering his or her needs, wants and feelings as much as, if not, more than the other person's. A shift occurs from always focusing on the other person to an awareness of, "What am I getting out this relationship?" and acting on one's own interests. In effect, the codependent develops a relationship with him or herself.


A shift must occur from the source of well-being occurring outside of oneself, to depending on oneself as a source of nourishment and to create well-being from within. Tapping into the power within, the self as an inner sanctuary and refuge, can be viewed as spiritual components of recovery. One discovers the abundant source of resources that reside within - a voice of wisdom and truth, where there is purpose and potential and a decision-making agency.


Change and transformation, and the process of reprioritization begin with self-awareness.


Becoming mindful during the course of day-to-day life means being more self-aware, and aware in general more of the time, In other words, mindfulness can be thought of as a state of both detachment and connectedness. Jon Kabat-Zinn described mindfulness as "not defining yourself by thought content or emotional reactivity," and as "an open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is happening, both internally and externally at any given time."


When one is mindful, the separation between self and other is more clearly defined. The focus is on the unfolding interaction in the here and now. When mindful, one can be more present and able to represent yourself, express your own needs, wants and feelings. Self-awareness is the precursor to taking responsibility for caring and providing for yourself.

The most important relationship...


In a brief passage from her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes a moment of realization about her relationship with herself...


"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up all night long, I will stay with you...There is nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death, I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."


This passage shows that in the depths of loneliness and despair there is self-empowerment. Despite a history of relationships that fail to provide adequate emotional nourishment and deeply engrained pattern of using relationships to compensate for what's missing; self-awareness along with understanding some basic relationship building principles are enough to overcome all hurdles.


While we may embrace the adage, "The quality of one's relationships is the quality of one's life," we don't want to lose sight of the most important relationship - your relationship with yourself.




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