Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom

is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is

necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. "As long as I'm not using

and we're not using and are in a program, I'm safe." Not so fast. Getting into an intimate

relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, "Ill-conceived, ill-advised, and ill-

consummated."

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population.

Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?

Despite one's best-laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of

previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship—doomed to be

dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our

emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what

the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes

to choosing between "one step at a time" versus "all at once" thinking in terms of gradual

progress, taking time to develop, and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired.

There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don't realize that admitting to being out

of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply

to their emotions when dating and in early-stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It's the sex. Sex tends to increase one's level

of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by

splitting off from their feelings; that is, they are more likely to engage in sexual relationships

while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-

involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each person's

inability to manage their own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually

jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic

feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the "sleeping

giant"—the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The "giant" awakens

(emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our

unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.

It's during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction.

A year of sobriety and "relationship abstinence" is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to

deal with one's own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-

awareness, and to become responsible for one's own emotional care. Rather than relying on an

external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to doing, s/he

begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.



"The most important relationship is with oneself" poses a complete paradigm shift to the

recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn't

elapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they've been accustomed to doing all of

their lives; that is, to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing

emotionally. When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the

relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of

addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it's only a matter of time

before increasing strife, stress, and dysfunction lead to the relationship's demise. An additional

factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of

relapse.

At the 5-month point of a sustained period of "relationship abstinence", Linda, a recovering

alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been

sober 10 years. After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the "writing was on

the wall." Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that

she was able to wait "so long."

When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile

before saying in a tone of wonderment, "Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my

phone messages more frequently than usual. That's all." She was referring to his anticipated

return from being out of town for several days. She didn't want to fret about whether he would

call her upon his return, but she did. She didn't want to end up calling him before he called her,

but she just couldn't wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she

reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him—expressing a desire to celebrate his

birthday together and extending a dinner invitation—he suggested they "play it by ear" she

noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him. It was apparent that Linda was

looking for assurances that he was still interested. When his assurances weren't forthcoming, she

reacted as if he wasn't being truthful, that he really wasn't interested in her or the relationship,

which wasn't the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn't

see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the

extent her mental and emotional well-being hinged on how he responded to her.

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict: taking the

time—however long the process of self-reclamation takes—before entering into a sexually

intimate relationship. "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety" is merely a

reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-

based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a

relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of

unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship. This is also the time to

​gain experience in a (platonic) intimate relationship.