Most people take dating for granted. They go out looking to make something happen or wishing and hoping that they’ll just meet the one and a happily after relationships follows naturally and effortlessly. Without some basic training to get a lay of the vast land called the pursuit of connection and the >irst time you meet someone, the inevitable challenges you’ll face along the way will do you in.
Most people eventually get burned out, demoralized and inept when they have nothing to show for their efforts, the loss of time and energy.
That connection doesn't just happen. It's not a matter of luck or instant chemistry. You have to know what you're doing and become more self-aware to avoid the mines of unconsciously driven behavior, i.e. misunderstanding, projection, and misplaced expectations that blow up your chances of connection.
Whether you're just beginning to explore a new relationship or navigating the confusing middle ground between connection and commitment, avoiding these common dating pitfalls can mean the difference between another crash-and-burn and a relationship worth growing into.

1 Not Knowing When You’re Flirting
Mistaking excitement and sexualized interest for rapport can lead to disillusionment, misperception, and ill-fated decisions.

2 Nothing More than Sex
Another common pitfall is to mistake physical intimacy for emotional intimacy.
Confusion is evident in the words often used to describe our sexual encounters. “We were intimate.” Or “We made love.”
Emotional intimacy does not naturally accompany or follow sex. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship.
While it may often appear as if you are (emotionally) intimate when physically naked (or when having sex), they are mutually exclusive. There is no correlation be the two. Real intimacy requires openness, vulnerability and atmosphere of safety and trust, which takes time and requires more energy and involvement. Sex often becomes the preferred mode of interaction simply because it’s easier, pleasurable and may feel more “intimate” than it is .

When sex, great sex or “strong sexual chemistry are mistaken for a great relationship in the making, you are at much greater risk of ill-fated decisions about who you get involved with and how involved you get.

3 Being or Falling in Love
Being in love or falling in love are altered states -- peak experiences – exciting, intense…but temporary. Your perception gets distorted, your experience is filtered by unconsciously driven idealization. You lose objectivity, see what you want to see and forget completely that there’s much more than meets the eye and are therefore, are unprepared when reality his, as it inevitably will.
Oftentimes when you emerge for the altered state, the reality that every person is a “mixed bag” becomes irreconcilable. You lose interest and the basis for continuing the relationship.
As long as you understand that being or falling in love are not reliable predictors of the quality of the developing relationship, you’ll be far less likely to assume more of a relationship than there is and be unprepared for the ensuing crash when reality falls short of expectations.

4 Splitting Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
For many people, sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy is an either/or situation. If they have sex, they will not be emotionally intimate. If they are emotionally intimate, sex or sexual feelings may pose a threat to the relationship especially if there is an underlying belief that is being both sexually and emotionally intimate is not possible.
You can avoid falling into the trap of splitting sex and intimacy by being mindful and aware that you’re looking for both to exist together, able to differentiate between the two, and act in a way consistent with what you are truly after.

5 Confusing Feeling and Action
Maintaining the awareness that feeling and acting are mutually exclusive makes it possible to enjoy the excitement and experience without having to act on it. When you’re not able to distinguish between the two, you’re at much greater risk of a lapse of judgment and decisions you’ll later regret.
Empowerment comes from being conscious and connected to your experience in the moment and your ability to assess the best course of action for yourself.

6 The ‘Personalization Phenomenon’
The personalization phenomenon occurs when you fall into the trap of taking what has been said or done personally, and then turning it into either a positive or negative self-affirmation, which leads to misperception. “That means… he or she likes me or doesn’t like me.”

When this happens, your response is obviously based on wishful thinking or insecurity, rather than on what was happening, which leads to painful misunderstanding and miscommunications.

7 Why can’t you read my mind?
Unspoken and unmet expectations are common pitfalls that leads to upset and disconnection, i.e. expecting your partner to know how you feel or what you want without your making it explicitly known. If your partner picks up on how you feel and acts accordingly, s/he will obtain a high rating. If not, s/he will lose points.
Guesswork and projection are not viable substitutes for vulnerability and risk-taking. If you don’t know, and you may want to know, you must ask. If you want your partner to know how you feel or what you want, you must let them know explicitly. This is how two people get to know each other.

Conclusion:
If you keep stumbling in your pursuit of connection, it’s not because something’s wrong with you—it’s because no one ever taught you how to navigate the minefields that are par for the course. The beginning of any connection is where unconscious habits show up the strongest, and without awareness, they quietly sabotage your chances. You have to be conscious and connected within yourself and you have to know your way around, understand the co-creative process and become proficient in essential communication skills, and practice, a lot.

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