Sometimes learning the hard way is the only way to learn regardless of how excruciating the

lesson may be. However, there is a silver lining. I’m hoping that by sharing what happened to

me, you’ll take my cue, not make the same mistakes, and save yourself a boatload of

aggravation.

When I was single, my outlook on dating was bleak. Every date I had ever gone on was a bust. I

swore I'd never date again. As much as I hated dating, there was nothing I wanted more than to

be in a relationship. I was haunted by my loneliness and my belief, probably false belief, that my

happiness depended on my being in a relationship.

My lucky day came when I met Priscilla during a break at a professional conference. I was

wandering around in my own world, in a quandary. As bad as the conference was, I couldn’t

leave because I had nothing else to do with myself. She must have somehow picked up on my

downtrodden energy. When meeting someone was the last thing on my mind, she suddenly

approached me with a big smile and sparkling eyes, asking me whether I attended any training

that I’d recommend to her. We were both bemoaning how uninspiring the conference seemed

to be. We ended up getting into a conversation that continued past the break. My interest was

certainly piqued.

I learned the following things about her. She lived in Los Angeles (I was living in San Francisco at

the time). She was a dancer and was pursuing a career as a therapist. I thought she was

attractive. She had a great body. Above all, I got the feeling she liked me. I decided to leave the

conference, while she decided to stay in hopes of finding a more compelling presentation. I got

her phone number, and she told me she'd be looking forward to my phone call.

From the time we parted, I couldn't stop thinking about her. "Wow, what a classy woman! A

dancer! An artist. Someone I can look up to. She's got everything; she was hot, intelligent, a

therapist – we spoke the same language, a real woman, the best one to come along in years."

When I called her a couple of days later, she was happy to hear from me. The first conversation

we had lasted an hour. We continued to talk on the phone two and three times a week, one to

two hours at a time. In comparing our respective relationship notes, I was better than any man

she'd ever been with, and she was better than any woman I'd ever been with. After several

weeks on the phone, we couldn’t wait to decide to meet in person. I was going to fly down to

see her for a weekend.

She was there to greet me as I got off the plane. The moment I spotted her, I was struck by how

different she looked than from how I remembered her. She was dressed up, with a ton of

jewelry and make-up on. I didn't know why she got so dressed up. And what was with all that

jewelry and make-up? It was mystery to me why so many women try to look better by doing

things that make them look worse. Maybe she wanted to look good for me. I'm not that



appearance oriented anyway. It's the person underneath the make-up and jewelry I came to

see.

But then, as we were getting into her car, I started feeling a bit out of place. She was driving a

brand-new T-bird. Another string of judgmental thoughts ran through my mind. I'm a working-

class guy from Brooklyn. I never had a new car. My father never had one. Besides, why would

anyone need one of those big, gas-eating American cars just to go to work? I was hoping she's

not one of these rich, spoiled princesses I made sure to stay away from. Again, I calmed myself

down. I kept telling myself not to condemn her because she drives a big new car. Maybe she

goes on long trips and likes to be comfortable. What difference did it make whether I liked her

car?

It got a lot better when we got to her house. It was a huge house in the Hollywood Hills with a

swimming pool, a phenomenal view and lots of bedrooms. With all of that space, was already

wondering what it would be like to live there and was quite contented with the idea.

For the next several hours, I sat with her in the living room, talking and enjoying the view, but

not the conversation. To describe our chemistry, "flat" would be an understatement. Even

though she was friendly, welcoming, and liked me, something was missing. I couldn't put my

finger on it. We had a bottle of wine, which didn't help much.

Doubts started rising in my head. “How could anything be missing after all those hours of

incredible phone conversation?" I was doing everything I could possibly do to talk myself out of

my feelings. I kept telling myself, “You’ve got a lot of time and money and emotional investment

here, to give it all up so fast. You better give it some time.” Besides, I still had going to bed with

that beautiful dancer's body to look forward to.

By the time we were in bed, I was feeling sick. I was numb. Even though I felt like a shrunken

prune, I was hoping that once we got naked, I'd perk up. That never happened. I was not

attracted or aroused. Much to my amazement, we had sex nonetheless. I don't know how we

did, but we did. For the first time in my life, I got what "your body has a life of its own" really

means.

Things continued in this vein for the rest of the weekend. Nothing worked. I found her to be

superficial and boring, not my type. I like depth and vulnerability, not someone who is so nice,

someone who acted as if everything was just how it was on the telephone without skipping a

beat. “How could she not know that this wasn't working? And if she did know, how could she

not say anything?”

Monday morning finally came. I had a two o clock flight. I couldn't wait to leave. She was acting

like we were going to get married. There was no doubt in my mind that I did not want to see her

again. What was I going to do? The moment of truth was upon me. I had to tell her how I felt.

This was the hardest part. She wasn't getting it. I told her that it didn't work for me, that I wasn’t

feeling it, and I wasn’t planning on seeing her again. We had gone back and forth with her trying



to convince me to give the relationship more of a chance. It got so bad I broke down in tears. "I

didn't know it would be this way. I'm sorry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you."

On the flight back, I was asking myself one question. How did this happen? No way did I ever

want to go through anything like that again. Maybe there would be a silver lining in lessons

learned.

I thought that it probably would have been different if I had been able to tell her sooner that I

wasn't interested. But how could I have known then what I knew subsequently? I started feeling

a bit better when understanding that I had jumped ahead, assumed there was a relationship

before one materialized, one that we were both into. I mistook her ability to make me feel

wanted and worthwhile for compatibility. I had presumed that initial sexual attraction means

great physical chemistry, automatic rapport, and basis for a healthy intimate relationship;

​mistakes I wasn’t going to repeat.