There is a prevailing myth that is sabotaging our ability to create connection: that sameness equals compatibility and differences spell disaster. Today I’m going to show you why the opposite is true.

When differences pose a threat to yours and the relationship’s wellbeing, perception becomes distorted. Selective attention, you see what you want to see and not see what you don’t want to see, while missing what’s right in front of you.

Faulty beliefs put you in a box that cuts you off and disconnects from yourself and the other person. It’s like you’re in a box and don’t know you’re in a box.

Reality check: Sameness and agreement kill intimacy and creativity. They lock you into a defensive state that prevents discoveries and truly knowing each other.

When there is no room for differences, neither person can be fully themselves, the conversation will lag.

Most people don’t realize that embracing differences is necessary part of the co-creative process, when “unique essences intermingle.”

Both people must be “fertile” or connectable. How fertile or connectable you are depends on how conscious and connected you are to your internal experience - to whatever you might be thinking or feeling, and on being able to access to the full breath of your experience beyond what is comfortable or familiar.

When your essence becomes bound by sameness, it withers. Nothing eventful can happen in the womb space of co-creation when the “connectivity quotient” is too low.

When facilitating a conversation in which a couple, Dede and Hugh about their respective love languages, for Dede it was clearly physical affection. “I’m a very physically affectionate person.

That’s just how I am. I love hugging, and Hugh is not that way. I know he loves me, but not the way I want to be loved.  

After multiple goodbye hugs before a trip, Hugh had enough. Dede felt hurt, putting Hugh on defense about his discomfort with excessive hugging.

After a reflective pause, she had an epiphany, seeing Hugh from a different vantage point. “He’s just different. He shows love in his own way, when he opens up to me in ways he doesn’t with anyone else.  For the first time, she saw their different love languages were complimentary, not conflictual."

You're primed for co-creation with a "clean slate" mindset of openness, focused on the present moment rather than what happened in the past or any future druthers.


Rigorous self-work is necessary to cut down on the lapses when your responses may be conditioned by misconceptions. 

Daily check-ins with yourself to stay connected, be able to access your experience, whatever you may be thinking or feeling at that moment in that conversation, empowers you to align your behavior and communication – what you say and do – with your goal of connection.  

Harville Hendrix, one of the most influential relationship therapists of our time, teaches that the path to deeper intimacy lies in accepting and respecting each other’s differences. He created a process and structure that dispels the myth of sameness and opens the space to discover differences and deepen their connection in the process.

I saw him do a live pr esentation of the process with his wife Helen, having a conversation as if one of them was Apple and the other, an Orange, comparing their respective experiences. Apple is always letting Orange know what it’s like being an Apple and Orange was always giving Apple a better understanding of what it’s like being an Orange. And clearly, they deepened their bond in the process.

For those seeking deeper connections without sacrificing authenticity, I facilitate conversations prompted by the following questions:

- Do you want me to be honest and real or say what you want to hear? 

- How honest and real do we want to be with each other?

- Do you want me to tell you how it is for me, or do you want me to share what you’re comfortable with and could relate to?

The secret passageway to making deep and intimate connections is through accepting, welcoming, embracing and celebrating differences. Discovering differences is how you get to know and understand each other. If only we could relate to each other as if one of us were an apple and the other an orange!

Conversation Between Apple and Orange

[Scene: A fruit bowl on a kitchen counter. An APPLE and an ORANGE rest side by side. Evening sunlight streams through the kitchen window. At first, they kept a polite distance.]

APPLE: (cautiously) Hey there. You're new to the bowl, aren't you?

ORANGE: (slightly guarded but settled in)) Yup. just dropped in.

APPLE: (hesitantly and curiously) Who are you? What are you? You’re so bright and orange. I can’t stop looking at you.

ORANGE: I’m Orange and I’m orange but some oranges aren’t orange. But I’m not sure, maybe you have to be orange if you’re an orange….. Who are you?

APPLE I’m Apple. (staring in wonder) Orange? (awkwardly) You’re the first. Never saw anything quite like you before. I thought everyone was an apple, until I saw you. I don’t know what to say. (pausing) You have a different color skin. And it’s so thick, something I wouldn’t want to eat.

ORANGE: (eyes opening wider and olfactory sniffing) Never saw anything like you before either. I knew of apples, but never saw one. (looking Apple over)! Our skin is very different. My skin protects me from the sun and keeps me juicy, keeps me from getting bruised and living longer.

APPLE: (warming up) I could see that. Sometimes I wish I was thicker skinned cause I get cut and bruised so easily and get rotten faster, and that shortens my life span.

ORANGE: (rolling closer)) And I think we’re different on the inside too. I’m made of sections full of juice (hopefully). Sometimes I’m sweet. Sometimes sour. I never know how sweet I’m going to be. Sometimes I’m just a bunch of pulp and end up in the compost.

APPLE: Yeah. We’re so different in so many ways. Our insides. I’m kind of solid and crunchy. Sometimes I’m more juicy and sometimes I’m drier, too dry. I could be mealy too.

ORANGE: (leaning in slightly and reflectively) We’re very different.

APPLE: Is that a problem?

ORANGE (thinking) Maybe. Not much in common. Where do we meet? Is there a chance we could be friends?

APPLE: Probably, after we get to know a lot more about each other.

ORANGE: (softly and reflectively) We have our differences, and we have our similarities. We’re in the same family, of fruit. And we are aligned in our purposes, to be nutritious and healthy to eat.

APPLE: (pensively) That’s true... Now I don’t feel so alone or bored, always around the same people all the time, the same, the same, the same. I’m never anything special, always nobody. . You make me feel so good by just being different, like suddenly, I’m somebody.

ORANGE: Wow! I never thought I could make such a difference…by just being an orange.

APPLE: I’m so happy you’re so friendly and open and I could be myself with you, from the first moment we met, as complete strangers. We’re different and we’re equals. I feel that with you too. It makes me want to get to know you and you to get to know me.

ORANGE: The more different you are from me, the less I feel pressured to be like you and the more I appreciate who and what I am. It's... freeing.  With you, I can just be an orange and stand out!.

APPLE: (moving even closer, voice softens) I’m wondering about your sections, how many there are and whether they get along with each other.

ORANGE: Each section feels like a part of me. Every section is distinct from one another, yet full and whole unto themselves and are all together part of the whole. What about your core? I don’t have any core.

APPLE: My core is my center.

ORANGE: You have a core?!

APPLE: I got pits too, seeds in the core. Those seeds are how we grow and are what we have in common. We come from seeds and grow into apples. As long as there are apples, there are seeds, that’s how we keep going. For every apple that dies or is eaten, there are always going to be more apples because of those seeds.

ORANGE: I don’t have a center, but I feel centered especially when my sections are full of juice. Sometimes those sections have seeds and sometimes they don’t. But I know we come from the same source, from seeds that are planted. I’m well put together. Juice fills my sections and makes me soft and squeezable with my thick skin that can weather many storms.

APPLE: (dumbfounded) And my core is solid, and no one eats it, great compost though, but around the core is where all the meat is, that makes me crunchy, sometimes deliciously juicy, and sometimes dry roughage. And my skin is very thin, doesn’t protect me much at all. (dejectedly) 
I’m not going to weather many storms.

ORANGE: Wow! Thank you. I’ve always taken myself for granted, thought I was the only one here, never knew of your existence and now we’re becoming friends, close friends.

APPLE: But it feels so good. Doesn’t it?

ORANGE:  It’s kind of amazing. We just met, but I feel this closeness. (marveling). Thank you for expanding my world. Suddenly I’m more interested in what’s out there in the world than I ever was.

APPLE:  If I were to taste you, I’d have to take your skin off, have a section at a time or squeeze your juice out and take a sip. If you were to taste me, you’d have to take a bite. You’ll need to have good teeth or a good knife.

ORANGE: (thinking) Just take a bite. Huh?

APPLE: Imagine that! We could taste each other! What if we don’t like how we taste?

ORANGE: That’s always possible. We’ll never know whether we’ll like the taste. It’s a crap shoot. Depends on how ripe and ready to eat we are, and even then, there are never any guarantees. Some we’ll savor. Some we’ll spit out.

APPLE: But what if we’re sweet and luscious?

ORANGE: But we never know from one orange to the next. Yeah, we’re not always going to connect or like each other, but sometimes we will and those will be the special moments that gives us a new lease on life.

APPLE: (nodding) Those moments are rare and to be cherished.

ORANGE: It’s conversations like this, when we’re able to be ourselves, see and get to know each other. I love having such uplifting conversations. Thank you.

APPLE: We’re pretty good together.

ORANGE: We’ll just stay open to whatever happens when we meet again.

APPLE: If we meet again.

ORANGE: (solemnly) Yeah.

APPLE: I don’t even want to say good-bye.

ORANGE: It was kind of a miracle, and we can’t expect a miracle every time we meet.

APPLE and ORANGE are hugging: 

​[FADE OUT]