The four cornerstones of an intimate relationship: respect, trust, acceptance, and understanding are not co-creative process per se; they are imbued qualities that naturally find expression when there is a deeply felt connection or love, and they can exist regardless of or independent of whether you have a relationship with your Self. Deep connections and intimate relationships are characterized by inherent mutual respect, trust, acceptance, and understanding.

All four cornerstones must be firmly in place for a relationship to be healthy, nourishing, intimate and lasting. They are non-negotiables. They are what makes the relationship sturdy and durable enough to withstand the test of time and the storms that leave relationships without these cornerstones in shambles. It’s what keeps the air clean for the relationship to breath.

In order to embody them or for them to be securely in place within the confines of the relationship, you have to have a conscious experience of them. You must know what it is like to feel respected and disrespected, and to feel respect and disrespect.

The same goes for trust, acceptance and understanding. You must had have the experience of trusting, being trusted and not trusting. Who can you trust? Who can’t you trust? How do you know?

You must have had the experience of (unconditional) acceptance from the Other and (unconditional) acceptance towards the Other, as well as, when you don’t feel (unconditionally) accepted nor feel (unconditionally) accepting towards the Other.

Same thing with understanding. What does being understood feel like? (or not understood or misunderstood, feel like?) When you understand and when you don’t understand?


I’ve run the gamut of the experience of all four cornerstones. I generally know when I feel respected and when I don’t feel respected; when I respect someone else and when I don’t.
I have a knowing of who I feel I could trust, or how much I could trust them. I also know who I can’t trust; when my warning signals tell me so, I usually heed them. I also know what it is like to be trusted, see myself as highly trustworthy; my livelihood is that of trusted advisor.

I know when I feel (unconditionally) accepted and when I do don’t feel (unconditionally) accepted, when acceptance is conditional; mine of others as well as others of me. On the same token, I also know when I don’t accept someone unconditionally, if at all.
For me, understanding may be what I need more than anything else. Understanding and connection go together. Not understanding and disconnection go together. As long as I’m understood, I’m okay. I feel good about myself and in the relationship. As long as I’m not understood, I’m not okay, out of my comfort zone, and disconsolate for a while until it fades from consciousness, no longer matters.


Respect
Did you ever notice when you felt respected or disrespected? Or, when the people around you were respectful or disrespectful towards each other?

Take a moment to stop and think about what respect means to you.
To me, respect means holding someone in high regard, and treating their thoughts and feelings as equally important and valid as yours. Respect comes from a underlying belief, perhaps a universal truth, that we are all inherently worthy and deserving of respect.
Respect can be both personal and I consider to be impersonal. You may respect all people equally, regardless of the relationship you have or wish to have with them, just as you would any other human being. You may feel heightened respect and regard for someone you see exuding kindness, generosity, courage, passion, integrity, intelligence, wit, or any other quality that you admire.
And then there is (personal) respect for how you know a person to be, in their unique glory, as they are in relationship with you, as you meet in the sacred space of co-creation.
Write and Share

In your significant relationships currently or your life experience, what are some behaviors or qualities you witnessed that elicited respect?
What behaviors and qualities are most worthy of respect in yourself?

What are some behaviors or qualities that elicited disrespect?
For me, crassness, ignorance, dishonesty, lack of self-awareness, lack of humility, as well as racist, homophobic, misogynist, to name a few that garner votes for disrespect.
Knowing When You’re Being Disrespected

Do you know when you are disrespected? If your warning signals and “bullshit detector” are in good working order, they will alert you to being disrespected.

Fortunately Dorina had her “bullshit detector” turned on. When Steve was staking claim to being open and sensitive, she wasn’t buying it. It was too late, his tactless ness insensitivity had been exposed.

You are the most at risk of being disrespected when you are cut off from your warning signals. You will not register the line being crossed and therefore, will be unable to heed them.



Trust
Trust can mean a lot of different things, depending on the context.

Trust is a presumption of honesty. Honesty is a pre-curser to trust. When two people are being honest and real with each other on a consistent basis, they are building a foundation of trust. Trust doesn’t occur in a vacuum or happen on its own. It takes time and experience to figure out whether you can trust, or how much you can trust someone, and for them to trust you.
There is trusting someone not to betray your confidence, as well as being a trusted confidente and holder of their secret.
There is the trust of being able to count on someone to be there for you in a time of need, at the drop of a hat. That you can count on them for support, to know what to say and how to listen and love you. That you have each other’s back, always looking out for each other.
There is the trust of being able to rely on someone to say what they do and do what they say, that they will keep to their end of the bargain, keep their word and uphold their agreements.
Then there is the trust to align in purpose, to preserve the sacred space of co-creation by maintaining their primary relationship to themselves and support each other to do so.
In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown, described how vulnerability and trust link together. “Vulnerability is based on mutuality and trust. Being vulnerable is an integral part of the trust-building process. We build trust when we speak truthfully about what we feel and need, and give our partner the space to do the same. Vulnerability strengthens your bond by deepening trust and co-creating a safe space for both people to speak freely and truthfully, regardless of the content of what is shared.”


“How do you know if you can trust someone enough to be vulnerable?”

“Can you build trust without ever risking vulnerability?”

(The research is clear, maybe not what you want to hear.)

“We need to trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust.”

Renowned relationship therapist, Susan Johnson, creator of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) had concluded that what really matters most in close relationships is the experientially felt “yes” to the following questions: “Can I count on you?” “Can I depend on you?” “Are you there for me?”

Whether you can rely on what the other says to be true also falls under the umbrellas of trust. Do you believe them? Do you know them to follow through on their word? To do what they say and say what they do?
If they say they will call or meet you somewhere, you can count on them to be there, and on those rare occasions when it doesn’t quite work out this way, there are extenuating circumstances.
When you haven’t been honest and real with each other from the beginning, the developing relationship will be built on a foundation of mistrust. When the information exchanged is unreliable, you’ll be harder pressed to accurately assess it or make well informed decisions.

For example, when someone does not match what they say with what they do, it won’t register as such, especially when there is not a match between what you say and do. When you don’t have a relationship with your Self, you are not conscious and connected, you are far more prone to unconscious forces and defenses, to driven to deny, not see or uphold (false) indicatios of trust, while denying indications to the contrary.

If your warning system is up and running, you’d be alerted when ‘not to trust,’ and act on your own behalf, i.e. be wary, pull back, defend, self-protect, etc.. The same warning system alerts you to signs to trust, when to proceed, get more involved, open up more, move closer. Or, perhaps talk, or have a conversation, about it.
Authenticity is another aspect of trust. Generally people are trusted based on how authentic they are, how much credibility you have and how high your “connectivity quotient” is. You have to be conscious and connected in order to be able to accurately represent your experience, that is, be authentic. Inauthenticity too, is usually is a reliable sign ‘not to trust.’ When you see lack of follow-through, or any other incongruity, deception, secrecy, disconnection, lack of awareness, saying things for effect, to look good – or not look ‘bad,’ there is a and reasonable basis for doubt and mistrust.

Write and Share

What does it mean to trust someone or be trusted?

What does it mean to mistrust someone? To be untrustworthy?

Have you gotten, or do you ever, get signals that tell you to trust or mistrust?

Can you recall a time you were conscious and noticed your internal response to something the other person said or did that bred trust in you?

And something that made you mistrust and wary? Describe.

Can you recall a time(s) (past/present) when you felt trust broken or betrayed?

Do you see yourself as trustworthy? If so, what makes you trustworthy? Give example.


Acceptance
(Unconditional) acceptance is acceptance of each other at their core, not based on their behavior, or preferred behavioral profile that they would accept, but on the assumption of their inherent value and unique essences. In other words, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, inside and out.

(Unconditional) acceptance is based on common knowledge or common sense that we are all “mixed bags,” me and you included. Unconditional acceptance is the secret sauce for an atmosphere of safety to be vulnerable, respond freely and being more engaged in the co-creative process, and to be more fully themselves, just as they are, wholly and totally, warts and all.
I think I know what unconditional acceptance is, what it feels like to wish to feel unconditionally accepted, when I am; and when I’m not, I go kicking and screaming, when I feel it’s conditional. “I want to be accepted for who I am, not whom I’m not. I don’t want to be seen in comparison to anyone else, or against any other externally imposed standard for how I’m supposed to be.” I need to feel special and embraced for who I am on the inside.”

When you are in a “mixed-bag state of mind,” it becomes a lesson in humility, that is, when you’re able to look at and accept yourself, you’re able to look at and accept others unconditionally.

It’s going to come in handy in later stages of the relationship when you come face to face with difficult feelings, conflicts, differences and limitations; your own as well as your partner’s, not just once or twice but dozens of times during the life of an intimate relationship. A “mixed-bag state of mind” is a safeguard against developing a relationship that is built on each other’s projections and imagination. You’d be less likely to get attached to how you would like things to be or be blind to what you don’t want to see or consider to be undesirable.

When you have a relationship with your Self, you’re more likely appreciate, embrace and celebrate your unique essence and also be giving or offering the gift yourself in all of your ‘mixed bag’ glory more generously in all of your other relationships.

Acceptance means embracing each other’s uniqueness and essences, as opposed to accepting some aspects, but not others; or getting out a ledger sheet to tabulate pros and cons, to determine worthiness of acceptance.

Acceptance changes your perception. Differences, limitations and flaws don’t mean the same thing and are not as threatening, nor would tend to see or judge each other in terms that would detract from how you see them a person or the relationship. You’d have more leeway to like what you like and not like what you don’t like, while loving and appreciating each other as whole beings. Rather than posing a threat, differences are a given, welcomed and embraced. (‘Apple/Orange’ (Hendrix).

When you have a relationship with your Self, you are much more likely to accept yourself as the “mixed bag” you are because you would have an internally based sense of self-worth. When there is self-acceptance, warts and all, you’d be more likely to accept others as the mixed bags they are, warts and all.

Conditional acceptance is based on the outside being more valued than the inside. When acceptance is conditional, you’re accepting as long as the other person does and says what you want to hear or matches your pictures of how you know, would like or think (Non-binary) should be. ‘Conditional’ is, as long as certain criteria are hit that make one worthy of acceptance; acceptance that must be earned and is never granted just for being you.


Write (to Express) and/or Share (to Connect)
Have you ever felt (unconditionally) accepted - safe to be yourself, express yourself freely and spontaneously?
How did acceptance, or lack thereof, affect your life and relationships?
Are you aware when you don’t feel or hadn’t felt, accepted unconditionally?
4. Give an example of an experience (past or present) when you felt unconditional acceptance towards another person?

5. Give an example of an experience (past or present) when you were (‘conditionally’) acceptant or non-acceptant towards the other person. How did you act towards? How did it impact the relationship?


Understanding
Where there is intimacy, there is understanding. Rapport precedes intimacy and understanding is the bridge that connects two people.

Our need for understanding is a basic human need. When basic human emotional needs are unmet, we’re in pain, and when in pain, are prone to internalizing ‘bad’ self-feelings, i.e. believing or concluding that you are the cause, and you don’t feel good about yourself, that there must be something wrong with you or that you are not good or deserving enough, to be loved or understood, which you bring to all of your relationships.

You can begin breaking those connecting links by becoming conscious of your needs, the backlog of pain from them being unmet and your internalized beliefs and bad self-feelings, acknowledging their presence. When you have a relationship with your Self, when you are conscious and connected, the experience of understanding registers emotionally and is consciously felt.
When there is understanding, the connection is personal and unique to the two individuals, as well as whatever happens in the sacred space will also be a unique co-creation.
Understanding is getting to see more than meets the eye. Like love and intimacy, understanding feels good (as it does to me). You feel closer and more connected. Understanding is inherently nourishing.
Can you see me?

Can you hear me?

Can you touch me?

Can you feel me?
Relationships are as good as the conversations had and understanding is what makes them good. One of the main criteria I use to decipher the health and vitality of a relationship is by looking at the quality of the conversations they have, how much they talk to each other and what do they talk about? But most importantly, how much do they understand each other? When there is an inability to have conversations that bridge understanding, the build-up of unexpressed feelings and unresolved issues is what destroys relationships.


I know for myself, when I’m understood, I always feel better, closer and more connected; it turns me on. When I am not understood, I’m terminally disconsolate and turned-off and feel bad about myself.


This may account my professional monikers, be why I pursued this work; to relationship therapy, relationship training, facilitator of conversations and builder of bridges of understanding.


Write and Share

Did you ever notice how you feel when you understand and are understood? Describe. Provide examples.

Did you ever notice how you feel when you don’t understand and are not understood or are misunderstood? Describe. Provide examples.


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