Answers to these questions hold tremendous psycho-educational
value...
For the recovering person, for the professional, for the
student and for those people wishing to improve the quality
of their relationships.
1. Define an intimate relationship.
The quality of our relationships is a reliable measure of
the quality of our lives. Our mental, emotional and spiritual
well-being depend on the emotional nourishment our relationships
provide. Intimate is a term that aptly describes an emotionally
nourishing relationship. It follows that if our relationships
are intimate and ever-deepening, we’ll be balanced
and growing, and the quality of our lives will be fulfilling
and meaningful.
There is something we could call the language of intimacy.
It seems that for some people, this language comes naturally,
just happens, just flows, as if it were inherent in their
beings, as if they were born with it. For others, it doesn’t
exist, they never saw it and don’t what it looks like,
which means that the language must be taught and learned.
The language of intimacy makes for an emotionally nourishing
exchange between two people characterized by deep caring
and understanding. It is how and what people communicate
to each other, both verbally and nonverbally, and continues
to deepen over time. Intimacy and intimate communication
can be summed up as the ability to achieve a mutual understanding,
being in tune with each other. Understanding is abundantly
nourishing. When there is understanding, both people are
receiving and providing nourishment and their relationship
becomes a source of sustenance.
Intimate relationships have four basic ingredients: respect,
trust, acceptance and knowing (each other), which can take
place through both verbal and nonverbal communication.
Respect has to do with honoring each other with regard,
validating each other as inherently worthy, treating each
other as if the other person’s thoughts and feelings
are important and matter. Eye contact, attentiveness, and
how you listen to each other are nonverbal expressions of
respect. Certainly there are verbal communications that convey
acknowledgement and humble reverence.
Trust has to do with feeling safe enough to be open and
honest with each other, feeling that you can count on your
partner being there for you, knowing that you are always
looking out for each other and that you can count on each
other to act responsibly – that is, “do what
you say.”
Acceptance has to do with unconditional acceptance: not
holding each other to idealized standards, but rather embracing
each other’s limitations, flaws, character defects,
differences, quirks, moods. Acceptance is appreciating each
other as a unique individual, not wanting the other to be
someone else or thinking that he or she should be someone
else. Acceptance means not being fixated on assumptions about
each other.
Knowing each other means becoming acquainted with subtleties
and nuances in the other. We can only do this through deep,
personal sharing. Mutual understanding is one aspect of knowing;
the ability to do so on an ongoing basis is another; and
the insights and revelations that occur by virtue of time
spent together another aspect still.
Some people may wonder whether sexual attraction and sexual
chemistry should be included in the definition of an intimate
relationship. The aforementioned definition is an attempt
at prioritization and sequencing. Respect, trust, acceptance
and knowing are the vitamins and minerals, the source of
nourishment, the structure and foundation of an intimate
relationship. Sexual attraction, chemistry, and satisfaction
in a relationship are more analogous to heightened pleasures;
they are enhancers – the “icing” as opposed
to the “cake.” Certainly when it is happening
on all levels, there is a certain synergy: making love as
the ultimate expression of intimacy. But a relationship can
be extremely intimate without any sex at all, while no relationship
could be considered intimate without these four basic ingredients.
Perhaps the most important implication is that these four
basic ingredients also apply to the relationship one has
with oneself. How can one respect, trust, accept and know
another person when one doesn’t feel that way about
oneself – when one doesn’t have self-respect,
trust of self, self-acceptance and self-knowledge? It can
only happen when one is in touch with and able to identify
what one is feeling, wanting or needing. The recognition
that a line has been crossed (i.e., that one is disrespected,
not safe to be open, honest and vulnerable; that one is being
held to unrealistic expectations, or is not being accurately
seen or heard) comes from an inner knowledge.
2. Why is building rapport the primary objective during an
initial encounter?
Intimacy begins with rapport. Rapport occurs when two people
are engaged in conversation. They are listening and responding
freely and spontaneously, neither self-monitoring nor anticipating
what is going to happen next, but rather existing totally
in the moment. It’s a natural unfolding process untainted
by a wish for any specific desired outcome.
Rapport is characterized by mutual interest, honesty and
understanding. Each person maintains a relatively high level
of interest and desire to engage in the pursuit of discovery.
Each maintains a high level of openness, honesty and willingness
to express thought and feelings. The level of rapport achieved
is a joint-effort creation.
Where there is mutual interest (in each other as well as
in the process of relating) and honesty, understanding follows
naturally. Understanding occurs when one’s experience
registers with the other: then there is a bridging or sharing
of experiences. It is quite profound. A connection is achieved,
one that is deep, indefinable. As the interaction continues,
this connection deepens. The content of communication becomes
more personal, more emotionally charged. As this rapport
continues in subsequent encounters, an intimate relationship
will likely develop.
The level of rapport correlates with the potential for intimacy
and may well be the most important factor in determining
whether or not to pursue a relationship. When rapport is
the top priority (as opposed to wanting something else, i.e.,
to be highly attracted to each other, or to get swept away
in romantic excitement), people keep the rapport going, relishing
the realness, intensity, truth and understanding. Neither
is afraid of his/her own or the other’s strong feelings,
neither is afraid of conflict, and neither is afraid to be
different. All the while there is a sense that something
deep is happening, that they can talk to each other, that
there is a special understanding between them. Some call
this chemistry. Some call this intimacy.
If two people have great rapport the first time they are
together, it is at least possible, if not likely, that they
will continue to do so in subsequent encounters. When there
is such rapport, both people will place a high value on communication
and understanding. This tends to remain a constant throughout
the course of the relationship.
For some people, on the other hand, rapport has never occurred:
they have never had the experience of having rapport with
someone else, and don’t even know that such a thing
exists. Nevertheless, there is always room to grow and change,
to learn and become more aware, and to redirect one’s
priorities. Although rapport may be something that people
want more than anything else, it is all too common to focus
on other things (on physical attraction, how one looks, whether
one is wealthy or accomplished,) on attributes that don’t
in any way correlate with potential for a lasting intimate
relationship. Needless to say, when building rapport is not
in the forefront of one’s consciousness, chances are
good that it will not be built.
3. What is a “clean slate?”
A “clean slate” is a precursor to building rapport.
It means entering into an encounter in the spirit of discovery,
in a state of mind characterized by openness and spontaneity.
It also means being in the moment.
The first time two people are together, we can say in effect
that a new play is about to open. The dialogue and drama
are unfolding right then and there. There shouldn’t
be any preference or investment in any specific outcome,
but rather a steady openness to discovering how you feel
being together. Unfortunately, too often, the stage has already
been set, the dialogue scripted, and the relationship is
doomed before it ever begins.
Preconceived notions about what is supposed to happen, and
the kind of person and relationship you’re looking
for, all contaminate the “clean slate.” Instead
of responding to someone spontaneously, you’re measuring
the person against pictures in your head and not assessing
the level of rapport you’ve achieved or discovering
how you feel being together. If the person you are with for
the first time matches your pictures, the tendency is to
assume greater relationship potential than is in fact present,
making a disillusioning crash inevitable. A “sight
unseen” selection process misses out on far more reliable
information about relationship potential. More often than
not, the person you end up developing a relationship with
is not one who matches those pictures.
4. How important is being “in love” when
assessing the viability or quality of a relationship?
Many people wonder whether there is something inherently
wrong or ominous if they do not feel “in love.”
Being in love should not be a prerequisite in deciding whether
or not to pursue a relationship, nor in assessing the long-term
prognosis for, or quality of, any relationship. A common
pitfall is to confuse being in love with loving each other
and with being intimate. The key is to see the distinction
between the two, the distinction between fantasy and reality.
To be in love is to be in an altered state of mind. It is
a peak experience – exciting, intense… and temporary.
Our tendency is to want to be in love all the time. Although
two people may feel clear-headed and certain about each other
while they’re in love, they forget that they’re
looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and
will become disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets
in. They see each other as they wish the other to be, as
opposed to who the other person really is; they wish to keep
the other perched indefinitely on a pedestal. Judgment is
impaired, perceptions skewed and objectivity compromised.
While people’s tendency is to over-rely on being in
love and get swept into the excitement of the experience,
it’s actually in one’s own best interests (as
well as the interests of the relationship) to proceed cautiously,
knowing that one’s perceptions are likely to be unreliable.
In contrast to being in love, loving each other is rather
ordinary, but solid and emotionally nourishing, bringing
with it a subtle depth of feeling and the ability to be real
and true, the ability to be vulnerable. Respect and trust
grow over time. When in love, we are slaves to our inflated
distortions, setting ourselves up for a guaranteed crash
that occurs when one cannot live up to the other’s
expectations.
Many people have a hard time accepting reality, especially
in relation to being in love. The tendency is to want to
kill the de-mystifying messenger. When being in love is confused
with love itself, the temporary high and excitement is mistaken
for something solid and lasting and real. Being in love is
based on denial, delusion and self-deception, whereas love
is an exchange that carries over time and has a life of its
own.
It’s common for people to assume that being in love
lasts indefinitely. It’s only a matter of time before
reality sets in. What happens when a whole set of new influences
impinge on the relationship? The couple is tested, forced
to face themselves and each other and decide what it is they
are really after… an altered state, an unreal world,
or intimacy?
The quality and resilience of any relationship often depends
on the couple’s ability to communicate effectively
and to work through differences, conflicts and negative feelings
(i.e., anger, disappointment, misunderstanding, and mistrust).
All this is far more challenging than being in an altered
state.
5. Should sexual attraction ever be the basis for pursuing
a relationship?
Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual attraction.
When we are sexually attracted to someone, there is a synergistic
interplay between our bodies, our emotions and our imaginations.
The physical aspect (bodily arousal, sexual desire) is conscious
and real, compelling enough by itself; unconscious and unmet
emotional needs can get triggered and the level of excitement
is further heightened. All the while, our imagination is
operating, unconsciously, distorting our perceptions.
Although mutual sexual attraction may be the most common
deciding factor for pursuing a relationship, it may also
be highly unreliable as a predictor of a viable one. The
problem is that whenever there is an attraction, physical
and emotional excitement are heightened and objectivity is
compromised. It’s similar to being in love, when one
easily becomes blinded by idealization and excitement.
The healthiest case scenario is when other factors are already
established independently from, or in addition to, strong
attraction or the state of being in love. Keep in mind that
emotional safety, rapport, and the ability to achieve understanding
and resolve conflict are potential turn-ons in themselves.
When two people who aren’t initially attracted to each
other are relating on a deep, personal level, attraction
and excitement are natural responses to being intimate. If
they are attracted and have rapport, they can and often do
become more attracted. The ability to create intimacy on
the spot, and the quality of the rapport experienced are
more reliable predictors of the viability of a relationship.
6. Does the ability to flirt mean that there is good chemistry?
Flirtation is another area where many people have difficulties.
The problem isn’t flirtation itself. Just as we have
seen to be true with sex, flirting can be stimulating and
feel good. It’s a way to express interest and pique
the other’s interest by sexualizing the communication.
It’s a form of seduction, whether verbal or nonverbal,
conscious or unconscious. Yet this is still being very different
than being open and honest. Problems arise when you don’t
know when you’re flirting, or mistake it for more than
it is. Chemistry implies a multi-level connection and understanding
that exists independently and in addition to the exchange
of sexual interest through flirtation.
7. How does one demystify sexual attraction?
There may not be a more mystifying phenomenon than sexual
attraction. When we are attracted to someone, our perceptions,
motivation, thoughts, feelings and behavior are profoundly
affected. Few things are more tantalizing than mutual sexual
attraction.
There are three basic components of sexual attraction: what
is experienced by our bodies (physical), what is experienced
by our emotions (needs), and what is experienced by our imagination;
they operate simultaneously and synergistically.
Our Bodies
From a purely physical standpoint, there is nothing mystical
or magical about sexual attraction. Feeling attracted is
accompanied by bodily arousal, desire, excitement, and pleasure,
which are all part of our biological make-up.
Emotions
Similarly, we are born with a wide spectrum of emotional
needs. Our need for emotional nourishment is as, if not more,
powerful than physical and sexual needs. If our relationships
have not and do not provide the requisite emotional nourishment,
the need to relieve the resulting frustration will play out
in our relationships. Unmet emotional needs get projected
onto others, making other people the satisfier of those needs.
There is an unconscious process of objectification that
renders us unable to consider other criteria for selecting
a partner and for staying in the relationship. We get drawn
to others who, for as long as they can, either satisfy unmet
emotional needs or serve in some way to relieve our pain.
But since unmet emotional needs operate unconsciously, we
attribute our interest or desire to other qualities – along
the lines of character and compatibility – thus completely
deluding ourselves. Problems will naturally arise when unmet
emotional needs take hold. This happens when one or the other’s
needs change, or when one (for any reason) stops satisfying
the other’s needs – at which time there is no
longer any basis for the relationship.
Imagination
Our imagination is as basic to the human condition as are
our physical and emotional needs. Imagination is a healthy
and integral part of life; we rely on our imaginations to
reduce stress and relieve frustration stemming from unmet
physical and emotional needs. However, we aren’t always
aware of when our imagination is operating. When we’re
unaware, fantasy and reality can become indistinguishable
and interchangeable, and imagination can easily become a
substitute for the real thing.
Sexual attraction occurs on both conscious and unconscious
levels, blends together both physical and emotional experiences,
and can be both real and imagined. The overall effect is
synergistic; that is, every component enhances the others.
Physical arousal is compelling enough by itself; it is conscious
and real. When it is combined with the power of unconscious
unmet emotional needs and the imagination, it has unlimited
mystifying potential.
8. What is premarital counseling?
The best investment a young couple can make is in their
relationship.
Premarital counseling goes beyond prevention by preparing
a couple for the rigors of a relationship and shaping its
future and quality. It is intervention at the absolutely
best time, when two people have just made a commitment
to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is far more challenging and unlikely for a couple who
have been married for thirty years to learn how to communicate
intimately when they hadn’t to begin with, unless of
course, both people are ready to do what it takes.
“Relationship training” is a process of education
and communication skills-building. Based on the premise that
relationships continue from where they begin; that is, the
patterns set at the beginning will continue throughout the
course of the developing relationship. If a couple can learn
how to communicate intimately with each other from the beginning,
they will continue to do so throughout the course of their
relationship.
Premarital counseling enables a (new) couple to identify
and communicate about their fears, desires, beliefs, values,
dreams, needs, and other issues and baggage that was previously
avoided or denied, never discussed before. In the process,
you learn about yourself and the relationship, see what it
feels like to be real and honest with each other in a deep,
personal way, so that you’ll be able to continue to
do so in subsequent encounters.
Upon completing a regimen of pre-marital relationship training,
you will have done what it takes to create the kind of relationship
you’ve always wanted. You will have the understanding
and ability to communicate intimately on a consistent basis;
communication practice, communication that translates to
respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding – the
hallmark features of any intimate relationship.
Premarital counseling will also clear the way for continued
emotional and spiritual fulfillment, and self growth.
Let’s consider two people, Becky and Patrick, both
in their late 20s, and in love with each other. After a couple
of years, they have decided to plan a future, live together,
get married. A wedding date was set. More than anything,
they wanted to get off to a good start.
It was apparent they were both highly stressed about how
much they were fighting and how miserably they both were
about their futile, hostile bouts with each other. They felt
out of control and didn’t know why. They were wishing
there was some way they could communicate better with each
other. They came close to calling off the wedding.
In the process of exploring what was happening, it quickly
became apparent that they got consumed in the wedding planning
process – dates, costs, guest lists, and parents with
their own ideas.
Premarital counseling afforded them the opportunity to learn
how to set boundaries in a relationship. Perhaps their greatest
source of stress related to the wedding had to do with being
unable to set boundaries with their respective parents, and
with being unable to keep their parents from undermining
them, and from creating additional conflict and doubt that
left Becky and Patrick paralyzed, and at odds with each other.
Their learning how to set boundaries with their parents
extended to setting boundaries with each other; that is,
clarifying which issues and challenges belong to whom so
that they could say to each other when necessary, “That
is for me to work out. You can’t help me.” Or, “This
is for you to work out. I can’t help you with that.”
They gained some very profound insights about family of
origin baggage they were both bringing to the relationship.
Becky was able to see that she had made herself responsible
for keeping Patrick happy. When Patrick wasn’t happy,
Becky felt like she had failed, was not good enough, and
assumed that this meant the relationship was doomed and
she was the cause. She realized that most of the time when
she was in conflict with Patrick about something, or when
Patrick was upset about something that had nothing to do
with her, she shrank just as she had in the face of her
father’s relentless put-downs.
Patrick was able to make the connection between unusually
high levels of anxiety and the sense of losing himself,
his life and their relationship, as he had watched his
parents do. He began to see that his sense of being overwhelmed
and his dread about proceeding with the wedding had a lot
to do with feeling buried by the onslaught of plans and
commitments, and an inflated sense of responsibility for
making it all work. Identifying this sinking feeling alleviated
the weight, reduced his anxiety and stress.
Additionally, it was powerful for them to get how much
they were reacting to other things which had little to
do with what was happening in the moment, but rather to
people from the past, not to each other.
9. Why has “separation” become
a term fraught with negative connotations?
Separation is often considered to be a last resort, meaning
the relationship is over. The problem is believing that what
is supposed to happen in a relationship is “to be together
all of the time.” There is no way to integrate or make
sense of what is happening when they are at odds, conflicted,
when negative feelings come up, when their differences are
more pronounced than their similarities. As long as they
are together, the relationship is strong. If they’re
apart, it is precarious.
What happens when “I” becomes “we,” when “me
and you” becomes “us?” The couple will
be relying on each other, or “us,” rather than
on themselves as individuals. Whatever sense of a separate
self that either person might have had upon entering the
relationship will eventually give way to “we” and “us.” It’s
also possible that these people might not have had much of
a self to begin with.
When these people find their way to couples therapy
(as they inevitably will once relationship-threatening problems
emerge), it often works best for them to do individual therapy
first. The therapist works with them by first separating
them, then putting them back together. The plan is for them
to later return to couples therapy having begun the
process of reclaiming themselves as individuals with separate
identities, with feelings, wants and needs of their own;
as “me and you.” A healthy couple is composed
of two separate, distinct individuals.
When two people who have (in effect) become one are working
in couples therapy, the process can become protracted
and futile. The therapist must determine whether it’s
best to work toward separation in couples therapy,
or have both people pursuing individual therapy before returning
to do work on their relationship. Individual therapy puts
the focus back where it belongs – on the individual.
Sometimes separation is necessary; that is, two people have
to actually separate from each other because they are too
reactive and incendiary. Left to their own devices, they
will only further exacerbate the situation. They may need
time alone to seek out whether they want to be together or
be apart. Sometimes the only hope two people have to preserve
their history together, their caring and friendship, is to
recognize that their relationship as it was no longer works,
and that they need to separate.
couples therapy includes discussion and re-education
about separation, presenting separation as a good thing,
a healthy and necessary step in one’s spiritual evolution.
Most couples’ problems/issues can be traced back to
one or both people who realize that they stopped being themselves,
feel invisible or no longer exist, and are no longer close.
Often, volatility and escalation occurs because the two people
don’t know how to be apart. Their existences are based
on a belief that puts them into an inextricable bind. “If
I express my true feelings, I will lose the relationship.
In order to keep the relationship, I must misrepresent myself.
I must sacrifice myself to accommodate the relationship (i.e.,
say or do what the other wants to hear).”
10. How do you distinguish between sexual and emotional intimacy?
Oftentimes sex gets confused with intimacy. Confusion is
evident when words like, "We were intimate," "We
made love," are used to describe what was actually a
sexual encounter.
A common misconception is that emotional intimacy naturally
accompanies or will follow sex. Even great sex in no way
guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The
two are separate entities and there is no correlation between
them. Physical nakedness/sex is not the same as emotional
nakedness or vulnerability or intimacy.
One explanation for this confusion is that when we're physically
naked it might appear as if we're intimate and vulnerable,
while on an emotional level we're not. Emotional openness
and sharing are considerably harder to achieve, which makes
sex the preferred mode of interaction of choice simply because
it's easier and pleasurable.
It's also possible that seeing ourselves as strictly physical
or sexy beings may be too demoralizing a notion. Most people
would prefer to see themselves as not being ruled by purely
libidinous desire, since in our culture mature adults are
not supposed to act that way.
As a result, at those times when we are primarily interested
in sex - not necessarily intimacy - we can't admit to ourselves
that it is sex we're after, let alone talk about it. This
conflict gets resolved by making more of sex than it is and
making more of the relationship, and end up painfully disillusioned
when discovering that it was nothing more than sex.
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