Relationship Vision & Addiction, Recovery and Relationship Continuing Education (CEUs)

Finding Myself Alone from a Life Formerly Filled with Addicts...

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 12:24:00 +0000

I am a recovering addict working on recovery from my base addiction - food.
Somehow, I am finding myself alone a lot and feeling this lack of intimacy in my life that was formerly filled with addicts. I want to form new healthy relationships. Where do I begin? It’s been like this for along long time, and I feel that I did not learn to engage myself in wholesome activities from childhood.

Response from Daniel…..

You sound like you're about to make some changes in your life. Your self-awareness is the key. Intensive self-work and increasing self-awareness have brought you face to face with the void you learned to fill by your addiction. Yes, you're challenged by having never learned how to engage yourself in wholesome activities during childhood, or be with yourself, rely on yourself, nourish yourself, defer to yourself or call upon the friend you have inside of yourself; not insurmountable challenges. Restoring yourself, awakening, bringing yourself to life is possible given that the power within is infinite potential unlimited.

At this stage of recovery, you're generally not ready to get involved in a (sexually) intimate relationship. When you haven't yet discovered the refuge yourself, you're running the risk of seeking refuge in a source outside of yourself, your dependency needs will likely sabotage your efforts. The aloneness you're describing is a stage that is progress, which has made you realize there is a void and you're longing for intimacy. There is no doubt you're heading into a relationship at some point soon, the question is whether you'll be prepared for the rigors of an intimate relationship.

Chances are you will attract someone at the relatively the same place of emotional development, that is, if you're running that risk, the person you'll attract will also be running the same risk. If you've done the necessary self-work, one that looks inward when there is doubt or frustration, you'll attract someone in kind; thus increasing the
likelihood the relationship will be a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing and lasting one.

Based on the principle that relationships continue from where they begin, pursuing pre-marital or early stage relationship counseling when your next relationship does materialize could be the best investment you could possibly make. Based on the idea that the quality of your recovery depends on the quality of your relationships, makes gaining the understanding and skills necessary to create intimate relationship a top priority. Right now patience and trust in yourself is all you need to keep you on a path of recovery.

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:45:00 +0000

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back.

I've been dating my friend. I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back. I have been dating my friend for about eight months now. I am totally confused about our relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic and never has expressed that he loves me. He said to me that I am one of the closest persons and his best friend. He spends a lot of time with me and had introduced me to a lot of his family as his friend. But he sees this other woman occasionally. He only said that they had a lot of history and that he put her through a lot. I am really hurt by this situation because I care about him and would like to have an exclusive relationship but when I discuss it with him he states that he is not supposed to be in a serious relationship for the first year of sobriety (he's been sober nine months). What I am supposed to do with my feelings and how do I figure if I am wasting my time and energy? I tried to break up with him but he keeps coming back.

Response from Daniel….

"I've been dating my friend."
"I tried to break up, but he keeps coming back."

"Dating a friend" is an immediate red flag as it spells conflict of interest. Friends are vital in order to have a healthy quality of life and recovery, but when friends become sexual, there is added stress and complication that often destabilize a relationship, leading to its demise. When the term "friend" is used to define a sexual relationship, either or both people are likely to be rationalizing their motivation, minimizing their involvement, deriving a false sense of safety and control over their emotions, and are avoiding reality and responsibility.

You also indicated that while both of you are aware that getting sexually involved in early recovery is a risky proposition, you've proceeded nonetheless. He's seeing two people!

How do you explain trying to break up, but being unable to do so? The unconscious force of unmet emotional needs is what keeps so many people in unhealthy relationships and sabotages their efforts to get out. Your (unconscious) desperate need for love causes you to look in the wrong places to get it. It's practically impossible to make healthy decisions when you're unaware of what is driving your behavior, unaware that your thoughts and perceptions are distorted. You're unable to accurately or objectively assess the character of another person or whether you're well-suited.

It's a long shot this relationship is going to work out as neither one of you have done the necessary self-work that makes it possible to create a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing and lasting relationship. Doing the necessary self-work implies becoming more aware of your unconscious, the unmet emotional needs driving your behavior, developing the relationship with yourself and ability to take care of yourself before getting sexually involved, especially when either or both people are in early recovery. If you have a bonafide friendship and want to preserve it, it will behoove the both of you to slow down, not be sexually involved and pursue individual therapy.

How does the "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" Apply to Couples?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:21:00 +0000

I just wanted to some marital advice on whether you think it is wise to try to repair damage done by 3 years of relapses in early sobriety (first 60 days)? While I was in treatment my husband served me with divorce papers and a restraining order against unsupervised access with our child so we both have issues.

I have never been involved with a partner that is more emotionally shut off and inaccessible. I am left begging for change and communication only to face grim options when an attempt to express feelings and initiate dialogue around the topic is made. Inevitably, I face rage at me for being angry, thus deflecting attention and invalidating my attempt or yet another shut door or exit or closed eyes while talking, etc. or leaving the house without notice of whether he will return at all and no apology or explanation of thought process. I have never seen a heartfelt recognition or desire to work to change emotional behaviors.

Should counseling begin after longer period in sobriety so there is a basis of trust or can we learn new behaviors in communication from the beginning? We actually do love each other and we have a 16 mo. old. However, I do not know if we have ever experienced an emotionally nourishing relationship with true intimacy in our 4 yrs. together. Also, neither one of us has a basis of emotional health in previous relationships.

Response from Daniel…

(At what stage of recovery are you right now? How much time was spent with your husband and family sober?)

You are speaking to what may be the number one challenge couples in early recovery face: Exercising healthy self-care and self-interest in a relationship when you don't know how, never did before, and have no role models. After sustained stabilization, the next stage of early recovery is intensive self-care, however long it takes to develop the relationship with oneself. The challenge heats up when you're just realizing a relationship you're in isn't working when you're just learning what having a relationship with yourself means and just learning how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships. The latter part of this period of intensive self-care involves getting through what we may aptly refer to as the 'co-dependent crash' -- when the illusion you've been hanging onto for dear life shatters. After intensive self-care is a stage of relationship training.

We're talking about a process of re-prioritization -- putting yourself first -- breaking out of the deeply ingrained pattern of considering others before oneself and relying on others who provide little or no emotional support rather tapping the infinite resource we call your self. Intensive self-care readies you for the next stage of recovery where the focus in on your relationships because you'll being entering into any relationship situation able to define and represent yourself. What distinguishes healthy from unhealthy relationships is whether both people are operating from within themselves, not depending on each another to provide what's been missing.

How do you balance between your recovery and the relationship?

If both of you love each other and want to rebuild the relationship, ongoing individual therapy for both of you, probably for several months, then accompanied by on-going couples therapy, preferably with an addiction/relationship specialist is recommended.

I Love Him, But He's Addicted...

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 01:19:00 +0000

My husband is a recovering alcoholic/pain meds, he has been sober from drinking for 4 yrs. We have been married for 2 yrs and have a two year old I son. During the time I was pregnant up to now he has involved himself with 5 women, watches porn and is a workaholic. I have been more dependent because of my son and his age and am scared but feel I can't continue on with this relationship any longer. I have no trust in him and he is very negative and angry towards me at times. He mentioned a few weeks ago that he wants to go to counseling. I have found a few for myself and for us. I am going to Alanon when I can. I'm trying to figure out why I have found myself in this situation and how to help myself. Being a mother has been all consuming and has given little time for myself. My husband says I don't give him any attention (and that is why he has resorted to cheating and porn). I told him I am not responsible for his actions and that those are his choices. I love him but I don’t know what to do.

Response from Daniel….

Yours sounds like a relationship plagued by your husband's addiction, i.e. his need to seek relief via means outside of himself (porn and sex) and your relationship. He hasn't achieved a period of sustained stabilization, which is the first stage of recovery, nor does he have an adequate program laid out for himself or adequate sober support. For all intents and purposes, he does not appear ready or able to participate in a relationship with you and be a functional partner and father.

When you say that you still love him, I'm getting that that thought is driven by an underlying desperation and dependency you may not be fully aware of or am in denial about, as the reality is that he isn't providing for you emotionally or physically. He is behaving irresponsibly which erodes trust, yet you're still hanging on, and which doesn't appear to be in your best interests. The goal of your individual therapy should be for you to learn what it means to take care of yourself and rely on yourself to the extent you can refrain from hoping and waiting for him to change, which is not going to happen unless and until he seeks help for himself. In typical addict fashion, he is coming at you with the self-centered expectation and assumption that you're there to fulfill his needs while remaining oblivious to yours, as well oblivious to his irresponsible and destructive behavior, and you're buying into it.

He Denies He is Having an Affair, But I Don't Believe Him.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:32:00 +0000

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 20 years. We have not married although he bought me a ring at a pawn shop over a year ago (to be truthful I was a little hurt at the time but now I love the ring). The issue is this: for several months now I have grown increasingly convinced that he is having an affair. He denies it but I do not believe him.

Response from Daniel…..

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!

If you're convinced that your boyfriend of 20 yrs is having an affair and his denial of such leaves in disbelief, this obviously doesn't bode well. There is a trust issue, which I consider a deal breaker. "The party is over!" "Stop right there!" Either you're paranoid or he is lying; the former is far less likely. Either way, this issue needs to be addressed further, perhaps in a couples therapy setting. The only way you could continue in the relationship will be by ignoring the warning signals gnawing in your gut. These warning signals work as your internal defense and protection system that alert you when in danger, when not safe, at the very least, proceed with caution. Don't let the ring he bought you and wishful thinking, denial and unconscious need to be loved and desired be your demise. You don't want to be asking yourself after you find out you were right, "How could I have been so foolish? Why didn't I listen to my gut?"

Revisitng, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 00:42:00 +0000

I know this was posted last year, but I would like to comment on it.

I believe that for a lot of people, waiting a year is very important. It's also a guideline I used (until I met the man of my dreams in a meeting, sounds lame - but I really did. :-)

I met my boyfriend in late January, when I had just under six months sober. We have been together ever since, and we now live together. We both just celebrated a year (he is in July, I'm in August) and things are really great. My sponsor didn't object because she met her husband of 15 years when she had three months sober and they have been together ever since.

I don't know, I just think that this "rule" has to have some exceptions.. :-)

Response from Daniel....

"No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" is a guideline not a rule per se. Of course there are always exceptions. It's great your relationship is working out, as is your sponsor's, however the odds of a relationship working out when recovering people get involved prematurely; that is when they're working a sustaining sobriety, developing coping skills, a support system and the ability to rely themselves as a resource of nourishment, are against the relationship working out. We know the potential to look to another person, if not a substance, for relief when negative feelings are triggered, when emotionally overwhelmed, in the face of conflict, when the recovering person's repertoire of coping mechanisms, resources are limited, when the person's program is new and developing, he or she will be at much greater risk of relapse and the relationships that form are generally not healthy or lasting ones.

Do I Stay with my Boyfriend through Addiction Rehab?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 12:09:00 +0000

I was involved with an addict for 2 years. I finally left him and he has entered rehab to get clean. He says for himself as well as for our future. I love him very much and he did treat me very well when he wasn't using. Do I stay and support him through rehab? He has no friends that are not users and his parents are cold and distant.

Response from Daniel…

The general "rule of thumb," "No intimate relationships during the first year of recovery" applies here. If your boyfriend is out of rehab, assume he is engaged in an 'aftercare' program and consider him to be in early stage recovery. Being realistic means not expecting you nor he to be ready to resume a (sexually intimate) relationship for at least a year as he will need that amount of time to do the necessary self-work, learn coping skills, adjust to sobriety. Another goal of his aftercare program is to build a network new relationships that will support his sobriety and recovery, of which, you could certainly be a part of. Getting back with you prematurely would put him at increased risk of relapse as well increase the potential for your relationship to not work out. The challenge for you is to shift the focus from getting back with him to yourself so you could get a better handle on your co-dependency issues and tendencies so that if and when you do get back together, the relationship will have a better chance of being a healthy, lasting one. You can best support him by learning how to take care of yourself in relationships and by being there for him as a (platonic) friend, making his (as your own) recovery a priority above your relationship.

In the Throes of Porn and Sex Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 02:35:00 +0000

I love my wife allot, but I have not have sex with her for sometime, 1 year and every time she initiates I will stop her. I feel that she is my love and pure and innocent, I now turn to porn n pay for sex instead and I feel excited and great for this kind of outings with friends or alone. But after every time I feel guilty and want to change, when she tries to initiate I will stop her and do not want to link her with the sluts outside. I will feel pressure inside and stress. I want to change this, what can I do?

Response from Daniel…

The behavior and experiences you described indicate you are in the throes of porn, as well as, sex addiction. You are carrying on a secret relationship with (pornographic images) imaginary others and prostitutes for relief, which will make it virtually impossible to have real relationships with real people, i.e. your wife. You've become dependent on the excitement and rush they provide. It will also be virtually impossible for you to accurately and realistically assess the level of your involvement in these secret relationships given that denial is operating to preserve and maintain them.

The guilt and shame you're feeling and the inability to be sexually intimate with your wife is another example of the disruption your addiction cause in your life. It appears that on some level you are aware that by maintaining this secret life, you're out of integrity with yourself and that is creating a wedge between the two of you. You're able to distinguish between your wife and those sluts that you don't want to mix the two or continue carrying on "business as usual" is a sign of health, or mid stage as opposed to advanced stage of addiction.

If you don't seek professional help or seek some kind of group support, i.e. sex addicts anonymous, it's not likely you'll be able to stabilize, that is, cut these relationships off on your own. It's only after you're stabilized that you will be able to explore the source of the pain and need to relieve the pain driving the addiction.

Feel free to use the www.RelationshipVision.com website as a resource for information, support and services.

The Relationship with Yourself vs. Relationship with a Higher Power.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:19:00 +0000

You mentioned, "The ‘relief’ that the ‘relationship with a source of relief’ provides is from pain or frustration related to unmet emotional needs." This is interesting to wrap my mind around because I know of a few people, including myself, who struggled in their relationships with a notion of a Higher Power or a God. They are recovering devout people. I say that partially joking, but many of us had a very dysfunctional relationship with God, and ultimately acted out in other addictions to numb that discomfort.

I think the ultimate relationship many people need to learn how to have is the one with themselves -- and in learning to do that by way of program, treatment and counseling, all arrows point up to some invisible all mighty; some might find that an obstacle or Catch-22.

With a real nourishing relationship with another person or one's self, we seem to be driven toward a level of intimacy we did not know before. One wise person I know said 'intimacy' meant: look "into me and see." and intimacy requires a great deal of trust; and trust is not easily awarded or deserved for a lot of people. So, I find that people feel less-than, and often undeserving of intimacy where a partner can actually look into them and see them for who they are in the here and now ... so they remain closed down in this area. For some people I know, this is where porn seems to come in; they see porn providing a whole lot less rejection when dealing with a picture or a movie. (But it recycles the pain because the pain is never dealt with or experienced).

I think you understand this all a great deal better than me (thankfully), and I agree that there are tremendous pent-up pains residing in a lot of us due to unmet emotional needs -- and that for many of us, we numbed (or sought relief) from unemotional non-nourishing sources -- and then we happened to get addicted to that stuff.

So, if a person has arrested their addiction today and has gravitated toward an intimate relationship with God and/or another human being, why will mere acknowledgment of a Relationship Model of Recovery help bring about trust, self-esteem (we deserve), or even respect in a relationship? Wouldn't this Model of Recovery make relationships with anyone NOT in recovery at this level intensely impossible?

Response from Daniel....

I believe that there is a stage of recovery when recovering people must come to terms with some limitations and implications embedded in the 12-Step program and philosophy that pose challenges to their continued growth. At some point, the ‘externalization’ of the higher power comes back to haunt them – the consensus that the higher power is the ultimate source or authority, and exists outside of oneself.

It seems, today more than ever, within the Anonymous constituency, an ever-increasing number people are expressing disenchantment or wonderment about their relationship with their higher power. The higher power, what is it? Many are feeling like they’re up against a wall, and are realizing, as you yourself had stated above, that their relationship with a higher power or the higher power has become dysfunctional, that they’re (still) emotionally starved, that take them back to the days of their addiction, and puts them at risk of relapse. Many are wondering why they’re left feeling bad about themselves for becoming addicted of being addicted, that there is something deeply wrong inside their core. Their higher power equates to losing touch with themselves, as if their selves have brought them nothing but destruction. They have learned to not take credit for anything and bestow the responsibility for everything good that happens to God. As a result, many are losing faith. This stage can be many years into recovery and any number of relapses later.

Something must have gotten lost along the way. In the earliest stages of recovery, some call abstinence or sustained abstinence, we realize that it was our will or lack of will that wrecked havoc on our lives…and that we are powerless, our lives unmanageable, and only a “power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” In the beginning of recovery, total surrender is both necessary and comforting, as it lightens the burden of shame and demoralization from having lost control and the many humiliating consequences. It’s blind faith that gets us out of the gate. Initially we stop blaming ourselves.

At what point can we begin to take some credit for what we had accomplished? At what point do we begin to focus on ourselves as a source and authority? When do our relationships take center stage? When will the relationship we have with ourselves be restored? When you say, “I think the ultimate relationship many people need to learn how to have is the one with themselves -- learning to do that by way of program, treatment and counseling, I thought it was me talking. It has been a basic premise or theme running through my work as I emphasize the primary relationship, i.e. the one we have with ourselves, as well, developing relationship-building skills. Yes, when all arrows point up to some invisible all mighty; many will find the prevailing interpretations and applications of the higher powers to be a Catch-22.

When one establishes or restores the relationship with oneself, intimacy becomes possible. The profound treatment implications of The Relationship Model of Addiction come from the premise upon which it is based; that intimacy is a basic human need, and when intimacy or understanding are achieved, emotional needs are actually getting met as opposed leaving one starved and desperate for relief, that they are life and self-sustaining.

There is something missing if recovery and one’s program serves to perpetuate the sense of isolation and disconnection. Intimate relationships and understanding and the process of co-creation are key missing ingredients. You seem to understand that before you have a relationship characterized by respect, trust, acceptance and deep knowing or understanding with someone else, we must first develop such a relationship with oneself. Before you can love someone else, you must love yourself.

You seem to see that the addictive potential of pornography comes from the temporary and artificial relief derived from the relationship that develops with an imaginary other. It’s only in fantasy to be in a relationship in which you will never be rejected or abandoned and the (imaginary) other is everything you wish him or her to be, until, of course, reality comes crashing down. Relating, let alone being truly intimate with another human being quickly becomes an unbearable, if not, impossible proposition. While the relationship with pornographic images may provide excitement and escape, in the end, the addict is left emptier and hungrier than ever.

Just thinking about The Relationship Model of Addiction doesn’t necessarily “bring about trust, self-esteem and respect.” It doesn’t matter whether you think about the model or not, the idea is focus on yourself and the relationships you are creating. The idea is also to heighten your awareness of your hunger for connection, your longing for love, your hunger for intimacy. If that translates to you suddenly being able to create depth and rapport in your relationships, then see for yourselves, the difference between groveling for crumbs to survive and the replenishment that intimacy brings. I refer to the “sacred space of co-creation” as when two separate, self-realized people come together, united in purpose, exploring and exposing themselves, enraptured in deep understanding. Intimacy as a life force is, in itself, life-sustaining, inspiring, the closest thing to a natural rush as you could get. But the relationship goes beyond the rush, beyond sexual excitement and attraction, beyond unmet emotional needs; the relationship is a swirling energy, a whole other entity, like fire igniting when a match strikes a flint. It’s food our beings need to thrive. Living with a sense of purpose is what The Relationship Model of Addiction is about, and your purpose becoming a more powerful force than your need for relief. Later stages of recovery are when you’re most likely to embark on that long journey home. The next relationship is the one that develops when you and ‘the higher’ come together.

"No Intimate Relationships During the First Year Sobriety!"

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 02:20:00 +0000

By Daniel Linder MFT

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. “As long as I’m not using and we’re not using and are in a program, I’m safe.” Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, “Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated.”

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?

Despite one’s best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to ‘choosing’ between ‘one step at a time’ versus ‘all at once,’ thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don’t realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It’s the sex. Sex tends to increase one’s level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one’s inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the “sleeping giant” -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The “giant” awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.

It’s during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and ‘relationship abstinence’ is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one’s own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one’s own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.

“The most important relationship is with oneself” poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn’t lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they’ve been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.

When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it’s only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship’s demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of ‘relationship abstinence,’ Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.

After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the “writing was on the wall.” Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait “so long.” When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, “Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That’s all.” She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn’t want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn’t want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn’t wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they “play it by ear,” she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.

It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren’t forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn’t being truthful, that he really wasn’t interested in her or the relationship, which wasn’t the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn’t see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.

“No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety” is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship. This is also the time to gain experience in a (platonic) intimate relationship.

Bio:

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery and numerous related articles; and his latest book, Intimacy, The Essence of True Love.

Website: http://www.RelationshipVision.com
E-mail: Daniel@RelationshipVision.com

Phone: (415) 419-3501

Can you refer me (us) to a Drug Treatment Directory?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 20:08:00 +0000

Hi,

Can you refer me to a Drug Treatment Directory?

Response from Daniel....

Drug Treatment Centers

http://www.treatment-centers.net

www.drugrehab7.com

Cannot Walk Away from a Heroin addict

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:04:00 +0000

I have recently become acquainted with an old flame. As such, (We both liked each other when we were younger but never really got it together. We were best friends as I heard he was a heroin addict and I wanted to lend my support ...One thing led to another and we ended up having a relationship (if that's what you would call it.) Throughout this, even though I thought he was off it, he was still using a little every day. I am now wise to this ...So after five months he finally got clean and three days into him being clean he said he didn’t feel the same way around me now that he’s sober. I just can’t understand (I mean I understand of course,) was he using me all along? He's begging me to stay in his life and can we be friends, but I don’t know if it will be too hard. But also I don’t want to walk away as he is clean and he has no friends left...

Why did he change his mind so quickly about us?...(three days)

Response from Daniel…

Sounds like codependency is getting the better of you. Unconscious emotional needs and your own addictive tendencies make early stage recovering heroin addicts or any other early stage recovering addicts an irresistible magnet for you. In order for you to break this cycle of getting into doomed and dysfunctional relationships, it may be necessary to take a hiatus from relationships for awhile so you could do some intensive self-work, i.e. become more aware of the emotional hunger driving you and your own need for relief and distraction by being with others who have their problems and struggles to work on rather than your own. You a victim of your own delusions to think that you could possibly serve as his only friend, or be someone who could provide all of the emotional support he needs. The primary challenge in early recovery is to achieve a sustained period of stabilization (sober), build more of a sober support system, rigorous participation in a program and to not get into a sexually intimate relationship for at least a year.

Pent Up Pain from Unresolved Emotional Needs

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:15:00 +0000

I was abused as a child by both parents. I married a man old enough to be my father, who controlled me completely. Then I married a totally inept man, who is now in a home with dementia. I have had a relationship with Gerry for nearly 3 years now. When I first met him he swept me off my feet, my dream lover, the love of my life, I used to call him 'Mr. Wonderful'. He was very charming, exciting and dangerous. As soon as he was sure of me, he would reject me and be cold and indifferent; I left him several times, and got back with him because I longed for him sexually. I want an end.

Response from Daniel…

The way you described your history in relationships, as well as your current tendencies, there is strong indication of addictions gone untreated. The pent-up pain of unresolved emotional needs has left you desperate for relief, reliant on denial, imagination and sex for relief that sends you into codependent, sexually-based relationships that supplies zero emotional nourishment. You use sex for love, depend on relationships to provide what has long been missing, are unaware of your motivation, haven't learned to exercise healthy self-interest in your relationships, and haven't developed a spiritual program. When addictions are raging out of control, stabilization is the first step to be followed by a year of intensive self-work and program support before getting into another sexually intimate relationship.

A Pattern of Attracting the Wrong Kind of Person....

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 13:12:00 +0000

I am a beautiful African American woman with a 20 yr old son. I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and have been really working on patterns and all that good stuff. My son’s father is a pot smoker for 30 years now. We haven’t been together for over 7 years. He is a part time father, pays more attention to the women in his life, than my son, who doesn’t seem to mind since he is 20 and has his own life. He also smokes pot. I am pissed off at the past and the present. How do I let go of the anger I have toward him? He has abandoned me and my son and now has this cocky attitude that hurts me. Here I’ve done all this work and he just married a 26 yr old. He’s 51. I also keep attracting the same guys as him. He may not smoke pot, but they’re always unavailable, or just stop calling. I'm smart, funny, pretty, African dancer, but its that same man who works too much or just the same shit --different face and race. It’s freaking unbelievable (smile.) Help. Thanks so much. Peace and love.

Response from Daniel…..

When there is a pattern of attracting the wrong kind of person, i.e. emotionally unavailable, addicted over a long period of time, usually unconscious unmet emotional needs are driving your attraction and selection of mate. You’re relying on imagination that enables you to inflate the character and compatibility of the people you get involved with, idealization at the expense of reality. You can be getting very little nourishment but act as if your getting a lot more than you are, or that you will get more some day in the future by becoming the person you think he wants you to be. Given that it appears the you don't know how to take care of yourself, that you don't put your needs first or heed internal warning signals, nor identify them as such, I suggest that you take a hiatus from relationships to do the necessary self-work that will empower you to break this pattern. Low self-esteem issues and self-worth are likely at play here as well. In order to attract men who are more emotionally available and stable, it is necessary to have reached a point in your own emotional development when you distinguish between the kind of mate or relationship you don't want from the ones that you do, and act accordingly.

What are signs of gambling addiction?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:39:00 +0000

What are signs of gambling addiction?

Some questions to consider...

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Have you felt remorse after gambling?
After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible to win back your losses?
After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Did gambling ever jeopardize the welfare of your family?
Did you ever gambled longer than you had planned?
Does gambling cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
Have you ever sold anything to finance your gambling?

How to resolve the problem

I myself am a recovering compulsive gambler. The first step I took was the turning point for me, attending a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. In order to stabilize, and stop "carrying on your secret love affair," it's usually necessary to reach out for help, support, attend GA meetings and work individually with an addiction specialist. My recovery didn't begin until I recognized and admitted I had lost control and deal with the demoralization that ensued.

Demographics of those with gambling problems

Hundreds of billions of dollars are lost by people all over the world across all races, genders, socio-economic stratas. The is no specific compulsive gambling profile.

Different types of compulsive gambling: sports gambling with a bookie or online; cards, i.e. poker, black jack; dice, i.e. craps; horses; stock market.

How to prevent or stop it

If you answer 'yes' to two or more of the above questions, it's likely you are a compulsive gambler. One of the implications of being a compulsive gambler is that you have lost control and that you will never be able to gamble again without putting yourself and family at risk of destructive consequences.

Stopping - going "cold turkey" or preventing it (sustained abstinence) can only be achieved if and when you seek help by attending GA meetings or seeking outpatient treatment with an addiction specialist.

Why is gambling addicting to so many people?

The Relationship Model of Addiction...(from my book To Relieve the Pain, Demystifying Addiction)

Compulsive gambling can be likened to "carrying on a secret love affair" -- there is a rush, a high, excitement and escape and relief. Addiction, whether to substances or activities is a relationship with a source or means of relief of pent-up pain from unmet emotional needs sourced in your family of origin as well current relationships...the underlying driving force is the need to relieve the pain. Consider emotional pain to be commensurate with physical pain.

Why do they feel they have to continue after a big win or loss?

When compulsive gamblers lose, the are known to "chase" (continue to bet and increase the amount of their bets) in order to recoup the losses or get even. Chasing losses leads losing mare than h/she can afford to lose and borrowing money in an effort to get even.

Winning is the rush that is sought after, which doesn't end at the point of winning. Winning usually accompanies a temporary shift in self-feeling as the high brings about a sense of power and ability, which serves to compensate for an underlying sense of inadequacy. The need to relieve pain can and often is an insatiable need. Addiction is a vicious cycle as the amount of pain tends to increase over time as will the compulsion to gamble -- after winning there is a crash which is (temporally) relieved by continued gambling, which will inevitably be followed by another crash and an even stronger need for escape.

Daniel Linder MFT, MU 17435

High Functioning Cocaine Addict - How to Approach the Subject?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sun, 18 May 2008 13:20:00 +0000

I just recently ended a relationship with someone that I think may be a high functioning cocaine addict. I never saw him use the drug and he only had a few of the physical symptoms of a cocaine user but his mood swings were undeniable. When I questioned him about drug use in general he screamed at me and told me he didn't use drugs even though he had admitted to have a coke problem in the past and had tried about every drug in existence. He has a good job, money, a nice house and parents with money so I doubt that he will ever hit the "bottom" necessary to see his addiction or be forced to deal with it. I guess my question is - if he is so far in denial that my questioning him resulted in a screaming match, is there any other way to approach the subject without alienated him or making him even angrier than he already is?

Response from Daniel…

A high functioning cocaine addict is more the exception than the rule. Don't rule out the possibility of his hitting bottom, albeit it may not be when you'd expect him to, as I imagine he will not continue on indefinitely as high functioning. However there certainly are exceptions to the rule especially when there are co-dependent significant other he can depend on to support his addiction by helping him escape its destructive consequences. Given that he "screams" at you, his reactivity is a manifestation of denial, which is, in itself evidence of addiction and basis to make a diagnosis of addiction. There is likely no way to approach him without forcing a confrontation as your questioning poses a threat to his dependency or relationship with cocaine and his defensive weaponry, i.e. denial will make it impossible to see the problem, let alone discuss honestly and rationally. Expect his mood swings to continue as his use will, which will inevitably doom the relationship.

Recently Separated after 15 Years and 2 Children...

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:17:00 +0000

My partner and I have recently separated after 15 years and 2 children. I asked him to go finally because he is angry and dissatisfied generally and lies to me about what he is doing with regard to other women and other things that he doesn't want me to know about. He had become close to another woman who he had strong feelings for 2 years ago (although no sex). He is now close to another one who he pours his heart out to. We tried for nearly 2 years to repair our relationship but when I asked him to give up close friendships with other women (he is prone to 'collect' women) he did but became resentful. He insists there is no difference to friendships with the same and opposite sex. He has also been pushing our 13 year old daughter around on and off for a few years when she angers him and has started doing the same to me. I still love him and know that he has to address his anger which is destroying him. He blames me for the fact that he no longer l lives with his children. How can I repair this? I am always giving him more chances but nothing changes. Until recently we were still occasionally having sex and he could be very loving. Even when we had our final conversation last week, he said he couldn't believe he was letting me go but it is over. He has never been able to sustain another relationship for more than 2 years. I would dearly love to repair our relationship but don't know what to do now.

Response from Daniel…

From what you described, it would be in your best interests to shift your attention from him and the relationship to yourself, to learning how to take better care of yourself in this relationship, relationships in general and preserve the safety of your children. The relationship is in a state of disrepair, and it is unlikely that rebuilding is going to happen anytime soon. The status is 'separated' for good reason. If he could somehow be in relationships with other women platonically, who provide emotional support, that can be a good thing for him. I doubt his ability to get more intimate without sabotaging those relationships as well, unless these women are co-dependent. His anger and instability render him unready to enter into or be actively involved in a sexually intimate relationship at this time. Pushing you and your daughter around and then blaming you for his inability to manage his anger more effectively should remove him from consideration of any possible relationship. He nor you are taking responsibility for the number one priority, that being to feel physically safe. Until safety can be established, there is no way you will be able to resolve conflict and address issues that have plagued the relationship. Giving him more chances only speaks to what sounds like deeply ingrained co-dependent behavior that only further perpetuates the longstanding dysfunctional dynamics. Before the relationship can be repaired, the two individuals who make the relationship must repair themselves.

Is the Prognosis for a Healthy Relationship Better in Recovery when Someone is also in Recovery?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:32:00 +0000

I have a friend whom I have gotten to know over the last year. He has taken every step to gain and maintain his sobriety including abstaining from any romantic relationship during his first year of recovery. Recently he has started dating and he only seems interested in dating women who are themselves recovering addicts. My question is whether or not this behavior is healthy.

I am not suggesting that anyone who has been an addict is not capable of forming healthy romantic relationships. I am just worried for my friend because the risk of falling of the wagon is high regardless of whom you are dating and if you dating someone who also is a recovering addict I would think that the risk is possibly
greater. I am asking this question because I want my friend to stay clean and sober.

Is my concern misplaced?

Response from Daniel….

Thank you for your post.

I don't know whether the prognosis for the relationship is better when a recovering addict with a year of sobriety/recovery is dating another recovering addict as opposed to someone not in recovery per se. Your concern is valid in terms of the likelihood for unresolved dependency issues for either or both people to pose problems or jeopardize the future and quality of the developing relationship given their tendencies to seek relief from sources outside of themselves. However, as long as both people have their priorities in place, i.e. each working their own program, each on a path of recovery for themselves, their relationship can develop into a quality and lasting one. There is also the potential to better support each other when both know what is at stake if they veer off course, as well as when and if they veer off course.

I don't believe that it is necessarily advantageous to limit relationship prospects to one or the other. If a recovering addict with a year of sobriety/recovery gets involved with someone not in recovery, the onus of responsibility for their own self-care and staying on a path of recovery, i.e. continuing to work a program falls on his/her shoulders, as it would anyway. Just because someone is not in recovery per se doesn't mean that s/he doesn't have their own baggage, unresolved family of origin issues, trauma from previous relationships that holds tremendous sabotage potential. I don't think that it is safe to assume that non-recovering people are healthier or better equipped to handle the rigors of an intimate relationship than recovering addicts. Intimacy is a monumental challenge for everyone regardless of their relationship history. It only becomes more challenging when one's his experience is limited to predominantly dysfunctional relationships.

I Did Not Know My Partner was an Alcoholic...

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 01:06:00 +0000

I am very interested in addictions, relationships with addicts/alcoholics, the how to's and what not's, etc. This is all new to me and I am not finding Alanon is helping me, as most of the people there were brought up in substance abusive homes and are still dealing with their mental anxiety. I, on the other hand, just a year ago, met, fell in love with & got engaged too the most fantastic guy... until he FELL OFF THE WAGON I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS ON. I had to allow him to hit rock bottom, in fact the doctor told me I saved his life. Now, after detox he is in an institution learning life skills and having to take substance abuse classes and go to NA, AA and Alanon meetings. He claims he still loves me, but I know I do not love him and therefore I call our "relationship" now just "friendship". He says he will wait for me, no matter how long it takes. BUT, the trust that built our first relationship foundation has dissipated... therefore there is no foundation for any resemblance of the same relationship. I have no idea of how to handle this situation. I sincerely hope this is helpful... if so I will be back for more.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel…

The challenges you are now facing in this relationship have to do with taking care of yourself.

What does taking care of yourself mean when, after a year you find out your partner is an alcoholic who never informed you of such, let alone that he relapsed, needed to enter treatment, which for intents and purposes, ended what was your relationship with him?

As your shock and dismay dissipate, it will help to understand that his alcoholism is his problem, not yours. With regards to alcoholism, or, for that matter, any addiction, denial is operating. Denial renders it impossible to objectively or realistically assess the severity of the dependency or addiction. The implication is that if he doesn’t recognize the problem, he is not going to tell you that he has the problem. He will instead act as if there is no problem. Addicts in their addiction become masters of denial, delusion and deception, self-deception included. It is certainly possible you had no inkling there was problem, no way you would have known unless he told you. He may have been consciously keeping his alcohol problem a secret by not telling you, i.e. “I am on the wagon right now,” but not necessarily so, especially if this is his first treatment episode and he was in denial at the time. Whether he consciously withheld this info from you or that he just didn’t think he had a problem to tell you about is something you want to ask him.

Either way, his alcoholism and recovery may well put an end to the relationship you had. Your read on this situation as you described it indicate that you are already on the right track, that you have a strong sense of yourself, and can act in your own self-interest, realizing the relationship can never be the same again.

What does taking care of yourself mean when you trust was dealt a mortal blow? Where do you go and what do you do from here?

At some point, you will need to have a conversation with him in which you are explicit in terms of the relationship (as it was) is now over, and that he will need to focus primarily on his recovery, i.e. achieving a sustained period of sobriety, do intensive self-work and learn some relationship-building skills; that he is not ready for a sexually intimate relationship at this time.

Additionally, be careful to not knock “friendship” or make “friendship” less than a sexually intimate relationship. It is certainly within the realm of possibility that through all of this, the two of you develop a close and significant friendship, tantamount to an intimate relationship without the sex. In fact you relationship may work better as a friendship than it did when you were lovers. Being in a relationship in which you do not have to settle or compromise yourself, with someone who is able take care of him (or her) self and act in his own interests, who understands his own limitations and who has his priorities in order can grow into a great and lasting friendship, which is nothing to sneer at.

I Fell In Love with Someone who is an Addict but Didn't Know it.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:20:00 +0000

I feel in love with someone that, after several months of physical, emotional and sexual attraction, FELL OF THE WAGON I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS ON! I then had to deal with substance (drugs and alcohol) abuse/addiction, which was totally new to me. I stayed by him through his several months of self-destruction... ultimately losing my ''love'' for this person, yet still felt a ''connection'' and, finally at his lowest, I saved his life, as told to me from the doctor at the Emergency Dept.

Now, after detoxing, he is in an institution where every free moment he has he wants to spend with me. He claims he still loves me and he owes me his life. Also, he knows that I only wish to be friends right now, as my ''TRUST ISSUE'' with him is HUGE. But he says he will wait for me as he proves himself.

I do NOT love this person, although the physical attraction and sexual attraction is still there the EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION IS NOT THERE.

I honestly do not know what to do.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel…

The potential pitfall you are facing is getting blinded by the (sexual) heat that exists between the two of you. The tendency most people have in situations in which there is strong mutual attraction and physical chemistry, i.e. great sex, is jumping to conclusions about who this other person is, i.e. honing in on positive qualities and potentials while ignoring your concerns; as well about your respective compatibility as a couple, presuming more of a relationship than there is, planning a future together prematurely, that is, without a solid foundation.

For you, healthy self-interest would be to listen to your higher wisdom, act in a way that is consistent with your vision of the kind of relationship you ultimately want to create, one in which your are, as you said, EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE, or one in which (emotional) intimacy is established, and behave in a way consistent with your understanding of what that entails. Being true to yourself when there is a strong attraction is no doubt challenging but by no means impossible. As you learn to trust yourself, there is less risk of getting emotionally involved with the wrong people and doomed relationships.

Discovering his addiction made you realize that you need to put the brakes on as your trust had been broken. It sounds like there is a part of you that is adamant about not getting involved with addicts, but there is also a strong physically based motivation.

In terms of his treatment and recovery, "No (sexually) Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" applies. Now is not the time for him to pursue an intimate relationship as he must first achieve a period of sustained sobriety and coping skills, to be followed by a period of intensive self-work, which usually takes upwards of a year. That being said, don't rule out the possibility of remaining friends and continuing to develop a (platonic) relationship, which is certainly within the realm of possibility. If, at that point, you are both want to take the step towards sexual intimacy, chances will be far greater that the relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.

I Need Help Treating my Marijuana Dependency!

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 22:01:00 +0000

I don't know what information you need so I'll give you my case:

I'm in need of help treating my marijuana dependency and whatever it is that has developed from it. I've been smoking regularly (two to ten times daily) for about four years, and I believe I'm starting to develop more mental disorders other than the addiction. I've had brief suicidal thoughts and strange sexual thoughts that come on as brief feelings of impulsive action (I've yet to act on any of them, but sometimes I have to fight with the irrational thoughts and they scare me greatly). My social life is nil now, I've dropped out of college, and now that I feel like it might be too late to clean up and recover my mind I'm seeking help. What's going on and what should I do?

Response from Daniel…

It is not too late!

From what you described, you are now in the throes of addiction and it is progressing, i.e. daily use, increased isolation, decreasing level of functioning, psyche issues developing. I recommend that you seek an initial assessment with an addiction specialist to develop treatment plan. Most likely, something along the lines of individual outpatient treatment along with some kind of group involvement, 12-Step program (if there hasn't been any other previous treatment.)

Blog for Addicts in Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 12:21:00 +0000

Hi there-

I am looking to find some type of support group, or blog that I might be able to read to help me with my situation. I am a heroin addict, injecting up to 2 g's per day and my boyfriend is a severe alcoholic. We were high school sweethearts that went our separate ways, but we have recently reconnected. We are trying to get sober, but as is the story with all addicts, our personal attempts are not enough. We have come to the realization that we both need to seek help.

My question here is the love that we have for each other healthy? We honestly are deeply in love, and were before either of us every struggled with addiction. We want to quit so that we will be able to have a life and a future with each other. If you know of any websites, blogs or support groups that I can turn to that help addicts and the people they care about, I would be very appreciative. Thanks!

Response from Daniel…

Is the love you have for each other healthy?

Some of your love is healthy and some is not. Healthy or not is a matter of timing.

Where are you with your addictions? Where are you in your recovery?

Are you actively in your addiction or are you abstinent? Are you trying to be in an intimate relationship before you are ready to be in one?

“No (sexually) intimate relationships during the first year of recovery” is a guideline that applies here. There is a requisite period of self- work, a year or so, when you are developing the relationship with yourself, learning to operate from within so that you will no longer need to depend on outside sources. It takes a year or so before you have a Self to bring to a relationship. If you don’t take an extended period of self-work, chances are the relationship will self-destruct, overwhelmed by your respective unconscious, unmet emotional needs. So many years spent depending on outside sources for relief, the behavior becomes habituated, and will continue until the Self is discovered and brought to life. That first year of self-work requires quite the commitment as there is a period of pain to get through for which there is no relief, when you learn how to cope with pain, and to rely on yourself for sustenance and guidance.

Creating and sustaining an intimate relationship is, by no means impossible, but certain conditions come into play. We know that carrying on your secret love affairs (heroin and alcohol); your secret lives, is all consuming and draining. We have already established that that relationship is a primary relationship, that is, takes precedence over all other relationships. We know that self-medicating is not healing, just feels a whole lot better. We know that addiction is a vicious cycle of self-starvation. We know that the (emotional) food sought and consumed leaves you hungrier than before, and does not provide any emotional nourishment, only a rush of excitement, after which you hungrier than before.

The Definition of a Date.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:48:00 +0000

So I saw this guy checking me out on campus. so I added him on Face book. He emails me, we exchange email for a while and decide to meet up. We go on a date and he is the most romantic guy I have ever met he drives me around showing me beautiful views in his town, gives me his life story shows me pics of places he traveled and everything. Then he takes me to meet his friends there all really nice. We drive around some more and he said, “His friends like me. I’m really cute. I’m really nice. He really likes me.” And, “He can see this going somewhere.” Then he drops me off back at my car. We kiss goodnight. He calls me to make sure I get home OK. I went on vacation the next day. He told me to call him to let him know I get in all right. We talk all weekend. Long story short he's a total sweetheart. We go on another date when I got back. It goes really good. Then he calls me and we were both at the mall; he with his mom. So we meet up and I meet his mom. Ok then Valentine’s Day comes around. He says he has to do dinner with his mom but he'll call me when he's done so we can meet up. He didn't call me so I called him. He said he forgot to call me and was out at the bar with an old friend and he will call me in the morning and well hang out tomorrow. He didn't call me and hasn't called me since. Is he like trying to tell me to get lost in a nice way? I don't know. I really like him.

Should I wait for him to call me?
Should I call him?
If I call him what should I say?
I am I wasting my time with this guy?

Please help.

Response from Daniel…

When it comes to dating, it will behoove you to adhere to some basic guidelines.

1 The definition of a date: A date is an initial encounter or meeting for the purpose of seeing how you feel being together and decide whether or not you want to see the person again.

2 A relationship develops one date at a time.

Regardless of how well the date goes, how good of a time you had together, how interested and/or attracted you feel, your sights should be set on a 2^nd date. This is to help you maintain a realistic perspective so you don’t over commit or get overly involved prematurely. It sounds like you got a bit ahead of yourself, romantic excitement can be blinding and when this happens, it works to your detriment because you lose objectively. You fell into a common trap, assuming more of a relationship than there was. You had gone a total of 2 dates and met his mother, and built up unrealistic expectations, which resulted in disappointment as he fell way short of them.

It took a couple of dates before he failed to follow through with the plan, had not acted responsibly by not calling and not be accountable. At this point, the “writing is on the wall.” Doubt should be cast on whether you can trust this person and if trust is in question, you need to put the brakes on, put way back emotionally and remove all expectations and hopes. Of course there is no way to know what exactly his intentions are or what is going on in his head, but his behavior speaks volumes.

Should you wait for him to call me? Absolutely.

Should I call him? I wouldn’t.

If I call him what should I say? It is now up to him to call you to explain himself; clarify his intentions.

I am I wasting my time with this guy? Only if you continue to invest yourself emotionally. So far you haven’t wasted your time because you felt a connection but saw that there isn’t enough to keep going. You had the opportunity to practice and gained experience dealing with a common situation that calls for you to operate in your own self-interest. You went as far as you could go with this person and without reciprocity on his part; it makes sense for you to stop there. Now the challenge is for you to get ready to meet new people and see what happens with them.

Detach with Love. But How Much Should I Detach?

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:27:00 +0000

Daniel, thank you so much for your response. With so many emotional transitions over the past year, I seem to have forgotten basic healthy behaviors/steps.

Regarding no intimate relationships for one year, I have always had a struggle with that one in terms of my partner and myself as we were in a relationship for over 7 years, then shortly after his father's death and some personal setbacks, he relapsed, each of our separations was a result of my setting boundaries regarding his active addictions, his choice not to get help at the time.... When he (his own choice after some time on his own) entered a recovery program, I and one of his family members were there for him all the way. I am hearing myself and realize that perhaps I am trying to convince myself of something here, staying open to that thought... It's very difficult when there is a seven year relationship existing. I do feel that intimacy at this time should not be of a sexual nature, but a time of becoming friends again, building trust, non-sexual affection etc........ as we both heal.

And yes the anger must be about me, because I have not experienced frustration/sadness like this even during the most chaotic moments of a loved one's addiction.

"Detach with love. But how much should I detach?

Response from Daniel…

The idea is not necessarily to completely detach yourself emotionally from him, but rather shift the focus from him to yourself as your primary consideration. Yes you do have a 7 year relationship history with him, but it was a roller coaster as you described it, plagued by addiction throughout. Sustained stability and recovery were never achieved which are pre-requisites if the relationship has a chance to become truly intimate and last. He has his challenges to deal with and you have yours. My guess is that your anger has more to do with you and pain from unconscious unmet emotional needs stemming from earlier (family of origin) relationships, and as a result you formed a dependency based relationship to serve an escape or means of relief.

Consumed with Anger Towards my Partner.

noreply@blogger.com (RelationshipVision) — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 20:39:00 +0000

Anger, I seem to be consumed with it. My partner has moved back into our home, has been clean for 4 months. It seems that the smaller (his) behaviors that I feel are inconsiderate trigger anger or exhaustion inside me so quickly,( and not in per portion.)

When he moved back in he presented a new plan for his own growth etc. and his commitment to our relationship, which included marriage, (we've been involved for 11 years, separated 3x over that period, for periods of 3 weeks to over two years,) I felt that I wanted to work towards marriage for sure, but expressed my feeling that we re-establish trust and connection etc. over the next year, a long healing engagement of sorts. He was very disappointed but said that he understood.

A few days ago, we were bickering quite a bit, I felt overwhelmed, he told me that though he had seriously considered marrying me, he had changed his mind some time ago. I felt such intense emotions, that I just had to shut down and get away from him for an hour or so. I felt like screaming my lungs out!

This is so draining for both of us, and I cannot seem to get a handle on my resentments. They creep up on me during a time when I am feeling genuinely tender and loving towards him, bang! There's that anger, the past suddenly is more present in my mind than ever and almost everything he says triggers a negative memory. He has tried doing the small daily things that I say I need, but then will gamble just one time and I feel like nothing has changed, (just a slippery slope to the familiar.) Not really, though it has been in some ways.

My dad, sister, dog and good friend have died during the last 12 months, am I going through such intense personal emotional shifts. Am I too raw?

I am so tired, exasperated, sad, yet really wanting to find some direction for us, and for myself. Thanks for your patience. I know this is a long letter, I so appreciate you being out there.

Daniel’s Response…

Anger is getting in the way of loving yourself, and taking care of yourself as you and your relationship(s) could die from ‘anger poisoning’. What is the source of your short temper? Is this anger that comes from unmet expectations, unconscious unmet emotional needs? Are you depending on him for things he can’t provide you?

Something is out of whack here. You said that he was clean for 4 months and are acting and reacting as if he should be ready to make a commitment to the relationship, let alone function in the relationship. Sounds like you’re blinded by your own denial, by counting on him to be something that he is not. It appears that neither he nor you are (healthy) relationship material at this time. Your eleven-year relationship has been a roller coaster ride and still is. Both of you seem to be forging ahead with regard for either of your limitations. I would hope that you are in therapy, on a path of self-exploration and healing from a number of significant losses. You need to be working towards shifting the focus away from him and on to yourself. You might be surprised to learn that your anger has less to do with him and more to do with you, and your ability to take care of yourself.

“No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery” has become a standard guideline for those who are learning how to cope with desperation and other difficult feelings without seeking relief via their addiction. Entering into an (sexually) intimate relationship prematurely usually spells disaster. It takes a minimum of a year to develop a relationship with oneself, i.e. self-knowledge and awareness, a year of self-discovery and reclamation, which is what makes lasting, emotionally nourishing and intimate relationships possible. I remind people all of the time, “The most important relationship is with yourself.” “You must be intimate with yourself before you can sustain an intimate relationship with someone else.”