Can you refer me (us) to a Drug Treatment Directory?

Hi,

Can you refer me to a Drug Treatment Directory?

Response from Daniel....

Drug Treatment Centers

http://www.treatment-centers.net

Cannot Walk Away from a Heroin addict

I have recently become acquainted with an old flame. As such, (We both liked each other when we were younger but never really got it together. We were best friends as I heard he was a heroin addict and I wanted to lend my support ...One thing led to another and we ended up having a relationship (if that's what you would call it.) Throughout this, even though I thought he was off it, he was still using a little every day. I am now wise to this ...So after five months he finally got clean and three days into him being clean he said he didn’t feel the same way around me now that he’s sober. I just can’t understand (I mean I understand of course,) was he using me all along? He's begging me to stay in his life and can we be friends, but I don’t know if it will be too hard. But also I don’t want to walk away as he is clean and he has no friends left...

Why did he change his mind so quickly about us?...(three days)

Response from Daniel…

Sounds like codependency is getting the better of you. Unconscious emotional needs and your own addictive tendencies make early stage recovering heroin addicts or any other early stage recovering addicts an irresistible magnet for you. In order for you to break this cycle of getting into doomed and dysfunctional relationships, it may be necessary to take a hiatus from relationships for awhile so you could do some intensive self-work, i.e. become more aware of the emotional hunger driving you and your own need for relief and distraction by being with others who have their problems and struggles to work on rather than your own. You a victim of your own delusions to think that you could possibly serve as his only friend, or be someone who could provide all of the emotional support he needs. The primary challenge in early recovery is to achieve a sustained period of stabilization (sober), build more of a sober support system, rigorous participation in a program and to not get into a sexually intimate relationship for at least a year.

Pent Up Pain from Unresolved Emotional Needs

I was abused as a child by both parents. I married a man old enough to be my father, who controlled me completely. Then I married a totally inept man, who is now in a home with dementia. I have had a relationship with Gerry for nearly 3 years now. When I first met him he swept me off my feet, my dream lover, the love of my life, I used to call him 'Mr. Wonderful'. He was very charming, exciting and dangerous. As soon as he was sure of me, he would reject me and be cold and indifferent; I left him several times, and got back with him because I longed for him sexually. I want an end.

Response from Daniel…

The way you described your history in relationships, as well as your current tendencies, there is strong indication of addictions gone untreated. The pent-up pain of unresolved emotional needs has left you desperate for relief, reliant on denial, imagination and sex for relief that sends you into codependent, sexually-based relationships that supplies zero emotional nourishment. You use sex for love, depend on relationships to provide what has long been missing, are unaware of your motivation, haven't learned to exercise healthy self-interest in your relationships, and haven't developed a spiritual program. When addictions are raging out of control, stabilization is the first step to be followed by a year of intensive self-work and program support before getting into another sexually intimate relationship.

A Pattern of Attracting the Wrong Kind of Person....

I am a beautiful African American woman with a 20 yr old son. I’m an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and have been really working on patterns and all that good stuff. My son’s father is a pot smoker for 30 years now. We haven’t been together for over 7 years. He is a part time father, pays more attention to the women in his life, than my son, who doesn’t seem to mind since he is 20 and has his own life. He also smokes pot. I am pissed off at the past and the present. How do I let go of the anger I have toward him? He has abandoned me and my son and now has this cocky attitude that hurts me. Here I’ve done all this work and he just married a 26 yr old. He’s 51. I also keep attracting the same guys as him. He may not smoke pot, but they’re always unavailable, or just stop calling. I'm smart, funny, pretty, African dancer, but its that same man who works too much or just the same shit --different face and race. It’s freaking unbelievable (smile.) Help. Thanks so much. Peace and love.

Response from Daniel…..

When there is a pattern of attracting the wrong kind of person, i.e. emotionally unavailable, addicted over a long period of time, usually unconscious unmet emotional needs are driving your attraction and selection of mate. You’re relying on imagination that enables you to inflate the character and compatibility of the people you get involved with, idealization at the expense of reality. You can be getting very little nourishment but act as if your getting a lot more than you are, or that you will get more some day in the future by becoming the person you think he wants you to be. Given that it appears the you don't know how to take care of yourself, that you don't put your needs first or heed internal warning signals, nor identify them as such, I suggest that you take a hiatus from relationships to do the necessary self-work that will empower you to break this pattern. Low self-esteem issues and self-worth are likely at play here as well. In order to attract men who are more emotionally available and stable, it is necessary to have reached a point in your own emotional development when you distinguish between the kind of mate or relationship you don't want from the ones that you do, and act accordingly.

What are signs of gambling addiction?

What are signs of gambling addiction?

Some questions to consider...

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Have you felt remorse after gambling?
After losing, did you feel you must return as soon as possible to win back your losses?
After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Did gambling ever jeopardize the welfare of your family?
Did you ever gambled longer than you had planned?
Does gambling cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
Have you ever sold anything to finance your gambling?

How to resolve the problem

I myself am a recovering compulsive gambler. The first step I took was the turning point for me, attending a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. In order to stabilize, and stop "carrying on your secret love affair," it's usually necessary to reach out for help, support, attend GA meetings and work individually with an addiction specialist. My recovery didn't begin until I recognized and admitted I had lost control and deal with the demoralization that ensued.

Demographics of those with gambling problems

Hundreds of billions of dollars are lost by people all over the world across all races, genders, socio-economic stratas. The is no specific compulsive gambling profile.

Different types of compulsive gambling: sports gambling with a bookie or online; cards, i.e. poker, black jack; dice, i.e. craps; horses; stock market.

How to prevent or stop it

If you answer 'yes' to two or more of the above questions, it's likely you are a compulsive gambler. One of the implications of being a compulsive gambler is that you have lost control and that you will never be able to gamble again without putting yourself and family at risk of destructive consequences.

Stopping - going "cold turkey" or preventing it (sustained abstinence) can only be achieved if and when you seek help by attending GA meetings or seeking outpatient treatment with an addiction specialist.

Why is gambling addicting to so many people?

The Relationship Model of Addiction...(from my book To Relieve the Pain, Demystifying Addiction)

Compulsive gambling can be likened to "carrying on a secret love affair" -- there is a rush, a high, excitement and escape and relief. Addiction, whether to substances or activities is a relationship with a source or means of relief of pent-up pain from unmet emotional needs sourced in your family of origin as well current relationships...the underlying driving force is the need to relieve the pain. Consider emotional pain to be commensurate with physical pain.

Why do they feel they have to continue after a big win or loss?

When compulsive gamblers lose, the are known to "chase" (continue to bet and increase the amount of their bets) in order to recoup the losses or get even. Chasing losses leads losing mare than h/she can afford to lose and borrowing money in an effort to get even.

Winning is the rush that is sought after, which doesn't end at the point of winning. Winning usually accompanies a temporary shift in self-feeling as the high brings about a sense of power and ability, which serves to compensate for an underlying sense of inadequacy. The need to relieve pain can and often is an insatiable need. Addiction is a vicious cycle as the amount of pain tends to increase over time as will the compulsion to gamble -- after winning there is a crash which is (temporally) relieved by continued gambling, which will inevitably be followed by another crash and an even stronger need for escape.

Daniel Linder MFT, MU 17435

High Functioning Cocaine Addict - How to Approach the Subject?

I just recently ended a relationship with someone that I think may be a high functioning cocaine addict. I never saw him use the drug and he only had a few of the physical symptoms of a cocaine user but his mood swings were undeniable. When I questioned him about drug use in general he screamed at me and told me he didn't use drugs even though he had admitted to have a coke problem in the past and had tried about every drug in existence. He has a good job, money, a nice house and parents with money so I doubt that he will ever hit the "bottom" necessary to see his addiction or be forced to deal with it. I guess my question is - if he is so far in denial that my questioning him resulted in a screaming match, is there any other way to approach the subject without alienated him or making him even angrier than he already is?

Response from Daniel…

A high functioning cocaine addict is more the exception than the rule. Don't rule out the possibility of his hitting bottom, albeit it may not be when you'd expect him to, as I imagine he will not continue on indefinitely as high functioning. However there certainly are exceptions to the rule especially when there are co-dependent significant other he can depend on to support his addiction by helping him escape its destructive consequences. Given that he "screams" at you, his reactivity is a manifestation of denial, which is, in itself evidence of addiction and basis to make a diagnosis of addiction. There is likely no way to approach him without forcing a confrontation as your questioning poses a threat to his dependency or relationship with cocaine and his defensive weaponry, i.e. denial will make it impossible to see the problem, let alone discuss honestly and rationally. Expect his mood swings to continue as his use will, which will inevitably doom the relationship.

Recently Separated after 15 Years and 2 Children...

My partner and I have recently separated after 15 years and 2 children. I asked him to go finally because he is angry and dissatisfied generally and lies to me about what he is doing with regard to other women and other things that he doesn't want me to know about. He had become close to another woman who he had strong feelings for 2 years ago (although no sex). He is now close to another one who he pours his heart out to. We tried for nearly 2 years to repair our relationship but when I asked him to give up close friendships with other women (he is prone to 'collect' women) he did but became resentful. He insists there is no difference to friendships with the same and opposite sex. He has also been pushing our 13 year old daughter around on and off for a few years when she angers him and has started doing the same to me. I still love him and know that he has to address his anger which is destroying him. He blames me for the fact that he no longer l lives with his children. How can I repair this? I am always giving him more chances but nothing changes. Until recently we were still occasionally having sex and he could be very loving. Even when we had our final conversation last week, he said he couldn't believe he was letting me go but it is over. He has never been able to sustain another relationship for more than 2 years. I would dearly love to repair our relationship but don't know what to do now.

Response from Daniel…

From what you described, it would be in your best interests to shift your attention from him and the relationship to yourself, to learning how to take better care of yourself in this relationship, relationships in general and preserve the safety of your children. The relationship is in a state of disrepair, and it is unlikely that rebuilding is going to happen anytime soon. The status is 'separated' for good reason. If he could somehow be in relationships with other women platonically, who provide emotional support, that can be a good thing for him. I doubt his ability to get more intimate without sabotaging those relationships as well, unless these women are co-dependent. His anger and instability render him unready to enter into or be actively involved in a sexually intimate relationship at this time. Pushing you and your daughter around and then blaming you for his inability to manage his anger more effectively should remove him from consideration of any possible relationship. He nor you are taking responsibility for the number one priority, that being to feel physically safe. Until safety can be established, there is no way you will be able to resolve conflict and address issues that have plagued the relationship. Giving him more chances only speaks to what sounds like deeply ingrained co-dependent behavior that only further perpetuates the longstanding dysfunctional dynamics. Before the relationship can be repaired, the two individuals who make the relationship must repair themselves.