How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a friend?

How do you regain friendship only after you slept with someone that you would rather keep as a friend? You do not really jive sexually - message given by him...

Response from Daniel...

The lure of sex blinds a vast amount of people to the distinction between sex and intimacy or friendship. "Don't make more of sex than it is" may be common sense wisdom we've heard before, but it's actually vital knowledge, a key to our sanity. Yet, one of the greatest ironies of our time is that we're conditioned to make more (or less) of sex than it is. There is also the tendency to lose sight of it being nearly impossible to remain unaffected after sex, when unconscious unmet emotional needs get triggered and our imagination is running wild. So many people fall into the trap of defining the relationship according to awkward moments of a premature sexual encounter, when their eyes were closed and they were unconscious or confused. Understand going in, expecting there to be emotional and psychological consequences after sex.   

Fear not. You could turn this in lessons learned. You fell into this trap, but you could climb back to the present while keeping your top priority and ultimate purpose in mind. If friendship and intimacy is what you want, another basic principle takes precedence and becomes the basis for your next action step: Relationships are a joint-effort creations that begins with openness and honesty. Responsibility to communicate about what kind of relationship you want to have (if any at all) is implied. You could initiate a conversation with this guy.  

As far as, "You do not really jive sexually - message given by him..." this brings you to
Principles four and five:  "Don't take it personally!" If you don't jive (sexually) with your partner, or your partner doesn't with you doesn't reflect on either one of you personally. You may both decide that you want to continue the relationship and not have sex. You don't have to have sex! 

After sex honesty often begins with the realization that you feel more involved than you want to be and that despite having sex the night before, you haven't a clue as to what kind of relationship you want to have, how intimate you could get or whether you even want to get together again. You may not have ever thought of it before, let alone open up the discussion.

This may be a test of your 'pre-sex' friendship. Sex doesn't have be the end of a friendship especially when friendship is what you're ultimtely after. This could be a seamless transition, a relatively easy one, to keep the relationship going and not have sex. 

Recovering Addict in Rehab. What should I do?

I’m in a relationship with a recovering addict... We started dating a little too soon after he got out of rehab (say 2 months) --obviously he relapsed... I being the only one who didn’t know.... Now he is in a new program doing excellent. He’s been away for 2 months (he went to a program out of the country)... Should I leave him?

Response from Daniel......

The problem in your relationship goes back to its beginning. You may have heard, or at least suspected that, "No intimate relationships during the first hear of sobriety," may have some validity and can certainly apply here. The overwhelming majority of relationships whose origins go back to an early stage of recovery (during the first year of sobriety) are doomed.

It may help to understand that addiction is as much an emotional problem as a substance or (activity) dependence; that you are powerless over your pain and emotions (from unmet emotional needs) just as you are unable to control your addiction. The first year of recovery not only involves being sober/abstinent and learning how to live a sober life, but also identifying, expressing and handling your emotions. We can assume that in a sexually intimate relationship, emotions will be running high. Let's also assume anyone in an early stage of recovery, is in emotional withdrawal, with a big hole needing to get filled, and is learning how to deal with his or her emotions without resort to desperate measures, i.e. alcohol for relief. In short, a sexually intimate relationship puts those in early recovery at increased risk of relapse, as those in recovery has not developed enough of a relationship with him or herself to get through an emotional crisis in tact.

Right now, the recommendation is to not "leave" him, but rather, put the relationship on hold. In the interim, get clearer about your priorities by putting recovery, meaning time and space from sexually intimate relationships at the top of the list, and put off getting sexually involved with this guy for at least a year. Giving yourselves some time and space to grow as individuals will maximize your chances of creating a healthy, emotionally nourishing, intimate and, yes sexual relationship, one that weather the invertible storms that test relationships.

Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature relationship?

I was with someone for two years and then married two years. Everything was great when we were together and we lived together, but as soon as we were married and then had a child...my husband began to act like a sullen, disrespectful child. He stopped working, began using substances and was a verbally abuse and withdrawn person. Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature relationship?


Response from Daniel...

Why do people change when they get married? And is there any hope for them to have a mature relationship?

The answers to those questions are specific only to you and your husband, and could certainly be further explored in the confines of a couples therapy setting. Much can be revealed when you have the opportunity to actually discuss these issues with each other. Just imagine a conversation starting with, "My perception (or experience) is that everything was great when we were together and we lived together, but as soon as we were married and had a child, everything changed. Your behavior towards me changed...You stopped working, began using substances and were often verbally abusive to me." Communication does wonders for a relationship. Couples therapy will afford you the opportunity start talking about these issues and to achieve a deeper understanding and, no doubt it is possible that your relationship, sense of closeness, intimacy and 'maturity" can be vastly improved.

She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me.

I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed. Our child is 2.5. She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job. This simple fact has broken my self esteem. I love her and she says she loves me. we are together since the man just used her and she said she missed her family. So she came back. Why do I feel like I can’t let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also? Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?

Response from Daniel….

There are a number of comments to make in response to your entry...

"I have been married for 3 years. My wife proposed to me and I have offered her a great life. She asked me for a child and I agreed."


There is something missing here, some kind of disconnect. What's most apparent is compliance without communication. It sounds like you both went through the engagement/proposal process and decision-making regarding having a child like robots, like she asked you to go to the store and get a quart of milk for her and you said, "Sure." I'm left wondering how much you talked about any of it, if, at all.

"She recently cheated on me and it absolutely devastated me. I am very good at meeting women and I am attractive and successful. The man she chose lived with his mother and had no job."

Again, there is "more than meets the eye." It sounds like your criteria for measuring the quality of your relationship is based solely on credentials, rather than on rapport, understanding or communication. You seem to have a preconceived notion that being attractive and successful translates to an healthy, intimate relationship and that living with your mother and having no job automatically spells disaster. Although you were devastated upon discovering the affair, this relationship may have been doomed from the beginning, and that you may have been in denial about some of the things that were not working and it took an affair to open your eyes.

"Why do I feel like I can't let her GO! Or have enough respect for my self to send her on her way. I love her so much I know that. Is this truly repairable? Or am I letting her ruin my life also?

Is it love that is driving your behavior? Most people presume that love is enough, but actually the ability to achieve understanding may be an overriding factor determining the quality and longevity of a relationship. Many people will say that the need to be understood is stronger than the need to be loved or to love. In your case, it is likely that unconscious dependency needs are driving your behavior, and that you're hanging on to some kind of illusion about who she is. Realizing that she isn't the person thought she was, wished her to be or thought she should be will, no doubt, be a rude awakening. In order to fix the relationship, you must first fix yourself. If you haven't learned how to take care of yourself in relationships, you will no doubt be more susceptible to "letting here ruin your life."


"Is there medication to make me be able to be happy being alone?"

There is no medication that will make you happy being alone. Medication will only serve to cut you off from your feelings and numb your anxieties related to being alone. Only a period of intensive self work and a spiritual program can do that. Individual therapy can help you develop the most important relationship -- with yourself. When you have yourself, you are never alone.

I Think I am a Love Addict. Obsessing about my Relationship.

I have been married for 3 years.

I believe I am a Love addict. I have become pathologically obsessed with my wife's sexual history (which is substantially higher in numbers than mine.)

We met while still in other relationships almost 8 years ago. Even though she cheated on her common law husband, She destroyed trust in us by maintaining a secret relationship with him after they had "broken up."

This went on for a long time before I discovered it.

Later to get revenge, I had an affair for 4 months with somebody which my now wife discovered about 6 months after it had ended.

So our foundation is not great and currently we are struggling.

My question is this - I can't sleep, I am obsessing about our relationship 24 hours a day and driving my wife nuts.

In the early years of our relationship the sex was unbelievable for me (and her too) we had a child 2 years ago.

Over the past 4 years sex has been in decline and now is once a month at best.

She thinks that's ok - I don't and lose my mind when we don't have it more frequently.

I think I am a love addict and she is a love avoidant.

What can I do to try to end my turmoil ?

Response from Daniel...

"Obsessing about the relationship" can become a masturbatory and isolating endeavor that keeps you in your own world and perpetuates the status-quo. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in the throes of a love addiction. It sounds like the two of you have stopped, or never started, communicating about the unresolved issues, i.e. trust, unmet emotional needs, plaguing the relationship. There is a lack of sexual, as well emotional intimacy. If the two of you are so motivated, couples therapy would give you an opportunity to explore and discuss the issues and begin working through them, perhaps make a new start. More important than what has happened in the past is where the two you want to go from here. If the desire and commitment to work on the relationship, it will be possible to re-build trust and achieve deeper levels of intimacy than the relationship has seen up to this point.

Are You Having an Affair? Do you Want to Have an Affair?

Confused and depressed. I live with my boyfriend of 7 years now. We have no sexual relations. If any, he gets his and leaves me hanging. Not affectionate. Hardly ever hugs or kisses me. It’s just his ways. I am a very affectionate person. 3 yrs ago I turned to another man whom is living with a woman. I didn't know they had been together for 20 years until I was so wrapped up in his I couldn't turn loose. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. He says he loves me but he’s older and I'm 10 years younger than he. He cannot leave her. I'm not a home wrecker. I have never been involved with anyone who had someone else. I love him and he says he loves me. He calls me everyday sometimes more than once. He was the only one to get me anything for Christmas. He bought me a diamond ring. I was very surprised. I think he cares very deeply for me as I do him. But lately he's been off work because of sickness. He still tries to see me once a week but only maybe an hour. It’s tearing me apart. I'm addicted to him. He keeps me going. He helps me deal with everyday problems that stress me out. He's my best friend. I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times and make it work at home. But my boyfriend just pushes me away; affection and sex and end right back up with my lover. I wish I could be with him. I know this is not right. It eats me alive. I can never be with him the way I want to. But it’s so lonely with him when I don't get to see him. I'm ill and cranky I can hardly stand it. I think I miss him more than he misses me. His relationship at home is not like mine. They get along. But about once a month they take off for the week-end to her sisters or to gamble. That's when it’s really hard when I cannot be with him. I believe he cares for me. I know he does. But it’s a hopeless situation. This has really been rough on me during the holidays. He's with her and I'm at home with a man who doesn't want me. I don't know what to do. My life is a mess...

I have a good job right now. I should be happy. but I'm not. Don’t just tell to move on. I've tried. I've never lived by myself. I've been married 2 times and now live with a guy. My kids are 19 and 23. How to do learn to live for self now and not everyone else? That’s all I know is to do for everyone else. I want to learn to make myself happy without depending on a man to do this for me. There are no girlfriends I hang out with. I go to work and come home acting like a old married lady. When I see him I go shopping or take off work when no one knows. I know it’s a dangerous life. I just want someone to love me and respect me. That’s another reason I can't let my lover to go. He loves me unconditionally. He always tells me I'm a wonderful, pretty; smart, have a good job and any man would be lucky to have me. I am a very giving person. Sometimes I think too giving. I need to find peace and happiness. Sorry this is so long. It’s that I just want you to understand. I know you can’t possibly understand because you don't know really all about my life. I thought about going for some counseling. My job has a program to support 3 sessions. But I figured only 3 wouldn't help me. My issues started a long time ago. Please help.

Response from Daniel….

Are you saying that you've never been in therapy?! Certainly the recommendation here is that you begin a course of intensive self-work. Carrying on a secret love affair can often become an addiction that invariably leads to destructive consequences. Both of the relationships you're trying to maintain right now are at risk of ending badly. After a period of intensive self-work, the next step would be to pursue couples therapy so that your relationship is given a chance to "air out." Once the two of you begin to address the issues keeping the relationship stagnant, there is always the possibility you can re-build the relationship.

A little bit about having affairs...

It's when you're emotionally frustrated in your relationship, i.e. hungry, resentful, estranged, the fantasy of having an affair is the most tantalizing, and you're at the greatest risk of acting on any opportunity that presents itself.

See article at RelationshipVision.com website:

Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire:

http://www.relationshipvision.com/read.php?ID=2

Some excerpts:

"Imagine for a moment what it would be like to have an affair. It's the ultimate fantasy – a sexual interlude in which you're not encumbered by inhibition. One in which there's no emotional baggage whatsoever for either person: no conflicts, differences or negative feelings. She expects nothing from me and I expect nothing from her. There's nothing about her I dislike and she wants me unconditionally. She knows exactly what to say and do, without my telling her. She just knows. She is the safest woman on the planet for I can open up about anything and she'll comfort me with understanding. There's no one like her. It's the same thing every time: we can't wait to "make love," the "love-making" is more wild and passionate than any I've ever experienced; then we part with no guilt or obligation, only with appreciation and anticipation of our next encounter, whenever it will be. There's no such thing as stress when we're together, it doesn't exist. No stress."

"Could having an affair be this good? Perhaps. If it were this good the first time, would it continue to be so in subsequent encounters? It's doubtful, because the reality cannot match our fantasies. Reality and fantasy are two different realms of experience. Yet they are connected."

"Anything desired or imaginable can be acted upon. However, the moment a fantasy is acted on; it becomes a real experience and is no longer a fantasy. The nature of the relationship changes from platonic to sexual, from friendly acquaintance to secret love, with no way to undo that shift."

Furthermore, whether it's a "one-time" occurrence, sporadic or regular, you would either have to lie in order to maintain the affair, or else confess it to your boyfriend. Concealment creates a wedge between the two of you that would probably increase as long as the affair in maintained. Undoubtedly, confession would precipitate a monumental upset in our marriage.

He Wants to Marry me, but I do NOT Like this Feeling...

He wants to marry me. He wanted to marry me pretty much from the first date. We've been together 3 months and he's devastated that I'm not on the same page with him and I feel extremely pressured. Now what? I do NOT like this feeling.

Response from Daniel....

The 'red flag' is "wanting to marry you from the first date." This kind of communication doesn't bode well for the duration and quality of the developing relationship, as well it doesn't bode well for you if you took him seriously. "Future tripping" might feel exciting, has a romantic aura, however when you skip forward the relationship may not, and often does not ever catch up with it. A far more reliable criteria to base the decision to continue seeing someone or not, or assessing whether or not a relationship has legs and whether it will be an intimate, emotionally nourishing one is the quality of rapport that was established from the beginning and continued since its inception. Rapport has to do with being fully present in the moment with, a free flow conversation without trying to make an impression or be romantic per se or "future tripping", listening and responding to each other without anticipating what is going to happen next; characterized by interest, honesty and understanding.

He not being on the same page with you after (only) 3 months attests to your health and reality based thinking. Recommended is going to couples therapy together so that he could see the need to slow down so that the relationship can develop organically and needs to learn how to do that. This may make him realize that he needs to do some intensive self-work so he no longer sabotages relationships by blowing through them so quickly.

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

Response from Daniel....

Think about your relationships, what they mean to you, what you want them to be. Thinks about the comfort zone of communication that generally exists between you and those you care about. Oftentimes a drug problem, or any other addiction of mental health issue, is the "pink elephant" in the room. There is avoidance and shame associated with it. The challenge is to bring the relationship to a deeper level of understanding, truth and intimacy by operating outside of the comfort zone and broach the unspeakables. Being concerned, you may ask questions or, more directly, express your concerns that the behaviors you're observing are problematic, and are of concern and that seeking help may be necessary. Being able to have conversation is the key, as the next action steps to be taken will likely become evident to you.

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiciton?

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiction?

Response from Daniel...

The steps to overcoming porn addiction are as follows:

1 One must first recognize there is a problem. As is the case with any addiction, there is a loss of control, that is an inability of stop despite resultant problems. The addiction or dependency is a relationship with a means of relief, i.e. porn that is overpowering and all consuming, that one's life revolves around this relationship at the expense of all other relationships. Isolation sets in as relationships with real people become increasingly more difficult, in not, impossible. The porn addict becomes accustomed to relating to only sexually and emotionally charged images when masturbating. This relationship is carried secretly. Denial and delusion make it impossible to accurately assess whether a problem exist as well as the severity of the problem. Usually getting busted causes some kind of crisis, in personal or professional relationships or legal consequences are precipitating events that lead to a realization that there is a problem and a need to seek professional help.

2 The next step is achieving sustained stabilization, that is, abstinence, cutting off that relationship, stopping the "secret love affair." In order to achieve a period of sustained stabilization, the recovering porn addict must be rigorously participating in a program that provides support and therapy, which includes daily or several times/wkly meetings or sessions. Transitioning to a life that doesn't include porn will be challenging as there will be constant cravings and triggers must learn how to deal with.

3 After a period of sustained stabilization is achieved, a period of intensive self-work is necessary. Most addictions are driven by pain related to longstanding unconscious, unmet emotional needs, and the need to relieve this pain. During this period of self-work, one learns to rely on oneself as a resource, become more self-aware, develop healthy self-care practices, make healthier decisions; in short, build the relationship with oneself.

4 After having established a relationship with oneself, the next step is to go through a period of relationship training -- developing the understanding and skills that make creating healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships possible.

Going Through a Breakup with Someone I Love.

I am currently going through a break up with a woman whom I love dearly. I know in my heart that she is it for me but due to the current situation and the obvious situation of having to move on now, I want to know if there is anything I can do to win her back. She is completely shut off from and I'm being forced to move out of our home. Yet again I love her dearly and just want some hope some way to regain what I've lost with her. I know it will never be the same and that’s fine. I would just like a chance for things to be better.

Response from Daniel…

"I know it will never be the same and that's fine."

Consider the possibility that your relationship could be better, better than it ever was. However it sounds like it has reached a crossroad, separation is imminent. Usually when there is an impasse like you've described, the relationship as it was is over. During some time apart, you both will hopefully have the opportunity to regroup and you to pursue a period of stablization and intensive self-work, which includes living alone and becoming more independent.

After some time developing more of a relationship with yourself, you may come to the realization that the relationship no longer works for you. You may also realize that she is the one you want to continue having in your life as a primary relationship, at which time, she may be feeling the same way (or not). If she feels that that is what she wants as well, it will behoove you both to seek couples counseling to clarify your future together, create a new beginning, and build a solid foundation by discussing goals, challenges and communication.