Recently Separated after 15 Years and 2 Children...

My partner and I have recently separated after 15 years and 2 children. I asked him to go finally because he is angry and dissatisfied generally and lies to me about what he is doing with regard to other women and other things that he doesn't want me to know about. He had become close to another woman who he had strong feelings for 2 years ago (although no sex). He is now close to another one who he pours his heart out to. We tried for nearly 2 years to repair our relationship but when I asked him to give up close friendships with other women (he is prone to 'collect' women) he did but became resentful. He insists there is no difference to friendships with the same and opposite sex. He has also been pushing our 13 year old daughter around on and off for a few years when she angers him and has started doing the same to me. I still love him and know that he has to address his anger which is destroying him. He blames me for the fact that he no longer l lives with his children. How can I repair this? I am always giving him more chances but nothing changes. Until recently we were still occasionally having sex and he could be very loving. Even when we had our final conversation last week, he said he couldn't believe he was letting me go but it is over. He has never been able to sustain another relationship for more than 2 years. I would dearly love to repair our relationship but don't know what to do now.

Response from Daniel…

From what you described, it would be in your best interests to shift your attention from him and the relationship to yourself, to learning how to take better care of yourself in this relationship, relationships in general and preserve the safety of your children. The relationship is in a state of disrepair, and it is unlikely that rebuilding is going to happen anytime soon. The status is 'separated' for good reason. If he could somehow be in relationships with other women platonically, who provide emotional support, that can be a good thing for him. I doubt his ability to get more intimate without sabotaging those relationships as well, unless these women are co-dependent. His anger and instability render him unready to enter into or be actively involved in a sexually intimate relationship at this time. Pushing you and your daughter around and then blaming you for his inability to manage his anger more effectively should remove him from consideration of any possible relationship. He nor you are taking responsibility for the number one priority, that being to feel physically safe. Until safety can be established, there is no way you will be able to resolve conflict and address issues that have plagued the relationship. Giving him more chances only speaks to what sounds like deeply ingrained co-dependent behavior that only further perpetuates the longstanding dysfunctional dynamics. Before the relationship can be repaired, the two individuals who make the relationship must repair themselves.

Is the Prognosis for a Healthy Relationship Better in Recovery when Someone is also in Recovery?

I have a friend whom I have gotten to know over the last year. He has taken every step to gain and maintain his sobriety including abstaining from any romantic relationship during his first year of recovery. Recently he has started dating and he only seems interested in dating women who are themselves recovering addicts. My question is whether or not this behavior is healthy.

I am not suggesting that anyone who has been an addict is not capable of forming healthy romantic relationships. I am just worried for my friend because the risk of falling of the wagon is high regardless of whom you are dating and if you dating someone who also is a recovering addict I would think that the risk is possibly
greater. I am asking this question because I want my friend to stay clean and sober.

Is my concern misplaced?

Response from Daniel….

Thank you for your post.

I don't know whether the prognosis for the relationship is better when a recovering addict with a year of sobriety/recovery is dating another recovering addict as opposed to someone not in recovery per se. Your concern is valid in terms of the likelihood for unresolved dependency issues for either or both people to pose problems or jeopardize the future and quality of the developing relationship given their tendencies to seek relief from sources outside of themselves. However, as long as both people have their priorities in place, i.e. each working their own program, each on a path of recovery for themselves, their relationship can develop into a quality and lasting one. There is also the potential to better support each other when both know what is at stake if they veer off course, as well as when and if they veer off course.

I don't believe that it is necessarily advantageous to limit relationship prospects to one or the other. If a recovering addict with a year of sobriety/recovery gets involved with someone not in recovery, the onus of responsibility for their own self-care and staying on a path of recovery, i.e. continuing to work a program falls on his/her shoulders, as it would anyway. Just because someone is not in recovery per se doesn't mean that s/he doesn't have their own baggage, unresolved family of origin issues, trauma from previous relationships that holds tremendous sabotage potential. I don't think that it is safe to assume that non-recovering people are healthier or better equipped to handle the rigors of an intimate relationship than recovering addicts. Intimacy is a monumental challenge for everyone regardless of their relationship history. It only becomes more challenging when one's his experience is limited to predominantly dysfunctional relationships.