I Did Not Know My Partner was an Alcoholic...

I am very interested in addictions, relationships with addicts/alcoholics, the how to's and what not's, etc. This is all new to me and I am not finding Alanon is helping me, as most of the people there were brought up in substance abusive homes and are still dealing with their mental anxiety. I, on the other hand, just a year ago, met, fell in love with & got engaged too the most fantastic guy... until he FELL OFF THE WAGON I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS ON. I had to allow him to hit rock bottom, in fact the doctor told me I saved his life. Now, after detox he is in an institution learning life skills and having to take substance abuse classes and go to NA, AA and Alanon meetings. He claims he still loves me, but I know I do not love him and therefore I call our "relationship" now just "friendship". He says he will wait for me, no matter how long it takes. BUT, the trust that built our first relationship foundation has dissipated... therefore there is no foundation for any resemblance of the same relationship. I have no idea of how to handle this situation. I sincerely hope this is helpful... if so I will be back for more.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel…

The challenges you are now facing in this relationship have to do with taking care of yourself.

What does taking care of yourself mean when, after a year you find out your partner is an alcoholic who never informed you of such, let alone that he relapsed, needed to enter treatment, which for intents and purposes, ended what was your relationship with him?

As your shock and dismay dissipate, it will help to understand that his alcoholism is his problem, not yours. With regards to alcoholism, or, for that matter, any addiction, denial is operating. Denial renders it impossible to objectively or realistically assess the severity of the dependency or addiction. The implication is that if he doesn’t recognize the problem, he is not going to tell you that he has the problem. He will instead act as if there is no problem. Addicts in their addiction become masters of denial, delusion and deception, self-deception included. It is certainly possible you had no inkling there was problem, no way you would have known unless he told you. He may have been consciously keeping his alcohol problem a secret by not telling you, i.e. “I am on the wagon right now,” but not necessarily so, especially if this is his first treatment episode and he was in denial at the time. Whether he consciously withheld this info from you or that he just didn’t think he had a problem to tell you about is something you want to ask him.

Either way, his alcoholism and recovery may well put an end to the relationship you had. Your read on this situation as you described it indicate that you are already on the right track, that you have a strong sense of yourself, and can act in your own self-interest, realizing the relationship can never be the same again.

What does taking care of yourself mean when you trust was dealt a mortal blow? Where do you go and what do you do from here?

At some point, you will need to have a conversation with him in which you are explicit in terms of the relationship (as it was) is now over, and that he will need to focus primarily on his recovery, i.e. achieving a sustained period of sobriety, do intensive self-work and learn some relationship-building skills; that he is not ready for a sexually intimate relationship at this time.

Additionally, be careful to not knock “friendship” or make “friendship” less than a sexually intimate relationship. It is certainly within the realm of possibility that through all of this, the two of you develop a close and significant friendship, tantamount to an intimate relationship without the sex. In fact you relationship may work better as a friendship than it did when you were lovers. Being in a relationship in which you do not have to settle or compromise yourself, with someone who is able take care of him (or her) self and act in his own interests, who understands his own limitations and who has his priorities in order can grow into a great and lasting friendship, which is nothing to sneer at.