The Definition of a Date.

So I saw this guy checking me out on campus. so I added him on Face book. He emails me, we exchange email for a while and decide to meet up. We go on a date and he is the most romantic guy I have ever met he drives me around showing me beautiful views in his town, gives me his life story shows me pics of places he traveled and everything. Then he takes me to meet his friends there all really nice. We drive around some more and he said, “His friends like me. I’m really cute. I’m really nice. He really likes me.” And, “He can see this going somewhere.” Then he drops me off back at my car. We kiss goodnight. He calls me to make sure I get home OK. I went on vacation the next day. He told me to call him to let him know I get in all right. We talk all weekend. Long story short he's a total sweetheart. We go on another date when I got back. It goes really good. Then he calls me and we were both at the mall; he with his mom. So we meet up and I meet his mom. Ok then Valentine’s Day comes around. He says he has to do dinner with his mom but he'll call me when he's done so we can meet up. He didn't call me so I called him. He said he forgot to call me and was out at the bar with an old friend and he will call me in the morning and well hang out tomorrow. He didn't call me and hasn't called me since. Is he like trying to tell me to get lost in a nice way? I don't know. I really like him.

Should I wait for him to call me?
Should I call him?
If I call him what should I say?
I am I wasting my time with this guy?

Please help.

Response from Daniel…

When it comes to dating, it will behoove you to adhere to some basic guidelines.

1 The definition of a date: A date is an initial encounter or meeting for the purpose of seeing how you feel being together and decide whether or not you want to see the person again.

2 A relationship develops one date at a time.

Regardless of how well the date goes, how good of a time you had together, how interested and/or attracted you feel, your sights should be set on a 2^nd date. This is to help you maintain a realistic perspective so you don’t over commit or get overly involved prematurely. It sounds like you got a bit ahead of yourself, romantic excitement can be blinding and when this happens, it works to your detriment because you lose objectively. You fell into a common trap, assuming more of a relationship than there was. You had gone a total of 2 dates and met his mother, and built up unrealistic expectations, which resulted in disappointment as he fell way short of them.

It took a couple of dates before he failed to follow through with the plan, had not acted responsibly by not calling and not be accountable. At this point, the “writing is on the wall.” Doubt should be cast on whether you can trust this person and if trust is in question, you need to put the brakes on, put way back emotionally and remove all expectations and hopes. Of course there is no way to know what exactly his intentions are or what is going on in his head, but his behavior speaks volumes.

Should you wait for him to call me? Absolutely.

Should I call him? I wouldn’t.

If I call him what should I say? It is now up to him to call you to explain himself; clarify his intentions.

I am I wasting my time with this guy? Only if you continue to invest yourself emotionally. So far you haven’t wasted your time because you felt a connection but saw that there isn’t enough to keep going. You had the opportunity to practice and gained experience dealing with a common situation that calls for you to operate in your own self-interest. You went as far as you could go with this person and without reciprocity on his part; it makes sense for you to stop there. Now the challenge is for you to get ready to meet new people and see what happens with them.

Detach with Love. But How Much Should I Detach?

Daniel, thank you so much for your response. With so many emotional transitions over the past year, I seem to have forgotten basic healthy behaviors/steps.

Regarding no intimate relationships for one year, I have always had a struggle with that one in terms of my partner and myself as we were in a relationship for over 7 years, then shortly after his father's death and some personal setbacks, he relapsed, each of our separations was a result of my setting boundaries regarding his active addictions, his choice not to get help at the time.... When he (his own choice after some time on his own) entered a recovery program, I and one of his family members were there for him all the way. I am hearing myself and realize that perhaps I am trying to convince myself of something here, staying open to that thought... It's very difficult when there is a seven year relationship existing. I do feel that intimacy at this time should not be of a sexual nature, but a time of becoming friends again, building trust, non-sexual affection etc........ as we both heal.

And yes the anger must be about me, because I have not experienced frustration/sadness like this even during the most chaotic moments of a loved one's addiction.

"Detach with love. But how much should I detach?

Response from Daniel…

The idea is not necessarily to completely detach yourself emotionally from him, but rather shift the focus from him to yourself as your primary consideration. Yes you do have a 7 year relationship history with him, but it was a roller coaster as you described it, plagued by addiction throughout. Sustained stability and recovery were never achieved which are pre-requisites if the relationship has a chance to become truly intimate and last. He has his challenges to deal with and you have yours. My guess is that your anger has more to do with you and pain from unconscious unmet emotional needs stemming from earlier (family of origin) relationships, and as a result you formed a dependency based relationship to serve an escape or means of relief.

Consumed with Anger Towards my Partner.

Anger, I seem to be consumed with it. My partner has moved back into our home, has been clean for 4 months. It seems that the smaller (his) behaviors that I feel are inconsiderate trigger anger or exhaustion inside me so quickly,( and not in per portion.)

When he moved back in he presented a new plan for his own growth etc. and his commitment to our relationship, which included marriage, (we've been involved for 11 years, separated 3x over that period, for periods of 3 weeks to over two years,) I felt that I wanted to work towards marriage for sure, but expressed my feeling that we re-establish trust and connection etc. over the next year, a long healing engagement of sorts. He was very disappointed but said that he understood.

A few days ago, we were bickering quite a bit, I felt overwhelmed, he told me that though he had seriously considered marrying me, he had changed his mind some time ago. I felt such intense emotions, that I just had to shut down and get away from him for an hour or so. I felt like screaming my lungs out!

This is so draining for both of us, and I cannot seem to get a handle on my resentments. They creep up on me during a time when I am feeling genuinely tender and loving towards him, bang! There's that anger, the past suddenly is more present in my mind than ever and almost everything he says triggers a negative memory. He has tried doing the small daily things that I say I need, but then will gamble just one time and I feel like nothing has changed, (just a slippery slope to the familiar.) Not really, though it has been in some ways.

My dad, sister, dog and good friend have died during the last 12 months, am I going through such intense personal emotional shifts. Am I too raw?

I am so tired, exasperated, sad, yet really wanting to find some direction for us, and for myself. Thanks for your patience. I know this is a long letter, I so appreciate you being out there.

Daniel’s Response…

Anger is getting in the way of loving yourself, and taking care of yourself as you and your relationship(s) could die from ‘anger poisoning’. What is the source of your short temper? Is this anger that comes from unmet expectations, unconscious unmet emotional needs? Are you depending on him for things he can’t provide you?

Something is out of whack here. You said that he was clean for 4 months and are acting and reacting as if he should be ready to make a commitment to the relationship, let alone function in the relationship. Sounds like you’re blinded by your own denial, by counting on him to be something that he is not. It appears that neither he nor you are (healthy) relationship material at this time. Your eleven-year relationship has been a roller coaster ride and still is. Both of you seem to be forging ahead with regard for either of your limitations. I would hope that you are in therapy, on a path of self-exploration and healing from a number of significant losses. You need to be working towards shifting the focus away from him and on to yourself. You might be surprised to learn that your anger has less to do with him and more to do with you, and your ability to take care of yourself.

“No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery” has become a standard guideline for those who are learning how to cope with desperation and other difficult feelings without seeking relief via their addiction. Entering into an (sexually) intimate relationship prematurely usually spells disaster. It takes a minimum of a year to develop a relationship with oneself, i.e. self-knowledge and awareness, a year of self-discovery and reclamation, which is what makes lasting, emotionally nourishing and intimate relationships possible. I remind people all of the time, “The most important relationship is with yourself.” “You must be intimate with yourself before you can sustain an intimate relationship with someone else.”