After a Difficult Divorce I am Still Interested...

I am 37 and live in Arizona; my ex-husband is 44 and now lives in Australia. We were together for 6 years and divorced in 2005. It was an ugly divorce to say the least. There were no children, which was a blessing considering. I decided to get sober in April 2005; one week later I discovered my husband was having an affair. I had suspected it but he had denied, until he got caught. In June 2005 he filed for divorce. I begged him to stay & dragged him to a therapist but it was too late. I have remained sober, attend 12 step meetings and have returned to school. I will finish my undergrad next year and hope to go on to earn a PhD... I am proud to say I have grown up a lot and work very hard at living a good, honest life. In my drinking days I was selfish, bratty and vapid. I have become spiritual and grateful for everything. Life is good. Recently I emailed my ex and he responded. My email was about my deep regret that I was so difficult in the divorce and marriage.

He responded with a kind email, saying he too was sorry and that he has never felt the way he felt for me before or since our marriage and doubts he will. I have had a serious relationship since we divorced but he is the only man I have ever truly loved. I responded to his kind email and thanked him. My heart is telling me I want to rekindle the love, but it seems impossible. He will return to the States eventually, his job moves him every 2-3 years. How do I know that he might be interested? I'm trying to not get my hopes up but I can't help myself. Given all the change in me would it even work? I know he has to have changed too. Giving me an apology was new behavior. I also wonder if I could ever trust him again. At the time of the divorce he said he cheated to make himself feel better. I asked if it worked, he replied Yes. That creates huge doubt for me. Today I believe people have a right to be happy. In doing so they can hurt others, as I was hurt. But I don't really blame him. I was a handful. Living with an alcoholic is no day at the beach. I don't think people intentionally hurt others, most are good souls just sometimes make really bad choices. I must give his history; he was married before for 13 years, left her for another woman named Penny. He & Penny moved over-seas where they split. I am almost certain he cheated on her there, and then moved back to the US. Penny was very angry and vindictive, sending nasty letters to his employer, shutting off his utilities in his new apartment, etc...That is when I met him. So maybe he is serial cheater and this is his solution when he grows unhappy. Funny he said his first wife didn't party and was a bore, Jenny drank too much, as for me I was a periodic drinker; got drunk 1-2 times a week. It worked until I started blacking out and at last realized I had to quit. He drinks almost daily but can stop after 2 or 3, I never could. Right after the divorce his job took him to a country where alcohol is outlawed. He said in his email "in a round about way I got sober too." I am fairly certain he is drinking again, the word sober means something different to me. I have no idea if he is alcoholic or not, probably not, but he does enjoy drinking. I thought one of the primary reasons that he left the marriage was he missed our drinking together, coupled with the social stigma of an 'alcoholic wife'. But I am not sure, perhaps I should ask. Am I way ahead of myself here? I think I might be. Does this have a chance or am I fooling myself? I am anxiously awaiting another email from him. It is hard to relax and wait. I am one who wants answers right now! Perhaps God is trying to teach me patience :-) Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Response from Daniel…

Amy, you are raising a number of issues.

"How do I know that he might be interested? I'm trying to not get my hopes up but I can't help myself. Given all the change in me would it even work? I know he has to have changed too. Giving me an apology was new behavior. I also wonder if I could ever trust him again. At the time of the divorce he said he cheated to make himself feel better. I asked if it worked, he replied Yes. That creates huge doubt for me."

Where do you go, when you're in doubt? Before you are able to create a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationship, you must develop a relationship with yourself. It's not until you are able to rely on yourself, internal signals, internal wisdom and intuition to decide a course of action that is in keeping with your best interests and your vision of the kind of relationship you're looking for.

You are talking about someone with whom trust had been shattered a number of times and who has an extensive history of deceit, which is something you seem to be denying. Your behavior seems based on his potential, your fantasy of how stable and healthy he could become one day, if only, if only. When you are 'trying to keep your hopes up,' you're running the risk getting lost in a fantasy. How you are handling yourself right now in the face of uncertainty and lack of any real evidence that anything has changed, despite his apology.

This is not a matter of patience as much a matter of taking care of yourself -- healthy self interest. You addictive tendencies, dependency based behavior is showing up as something, almost irresistible, "trying not to get my hopes up. But I can't help myself." You know what that sounds like. There is some pain driving your need to escape. Why else would you hold onto a fantasy if you weren’t needing to escape from reality? You may still be in the stage of recovery in which you learn how to cope with yourself without alteration from substances and how to rely on yourself as a resource. If so, chances your relationships will not work out. Many relapses are triggered by relationship break-ups and emotional chaos.