How Do I Start Seeing Myself as Worthy and Not Rely on Others to Validate my Existence?

I read with interest your comment that it takes a year... My second husband and I have been struggling in a desperate and failing marriage for the past 6 years. I grew up in an unhappy home, where my father’s rage held all of us in a state of emotional captivity. He would threaten to leave during these blow ups and we, my sisters and I, would cry and beg him not to go. My mother was powerless in these situations. There was no comforting or reassurance, and subsequently no peace-externally or internally.

I knew I wanted and could do better, and I tried to prove this with my first marriage. In as much as I nurtured my children, and showed them love (since I knew what it was like to not have that) I was unable to form what I thought should be an intimate relationship with my then husband. I was always suspicious (for no good cause), anxious, and resentful that ''my emotional needs were not being met.'' I did all the ''wife'' things like cooking and cleaning, and raising the children but I felt so empty. When we had sex I was not present, and I relied on fantasy to orgasm. This was apparently good enough for my ex-husband, and he was shocked when I said I didn’t want to remain in the marriage.

When I met my second husband, I felt like someone understood me. We married shortly thereafter and the same syndrome started to set in (suspicion, anxiety, depression...) He forced me to begin counseling, which I did approximately four years ago and continue today, but it had done little to help me feel peaceful inside. In the interim, he began acting out his anger towards me in the form of physical violence and verbally as well as emotionally. He threatened to leave me on numerous occasions. He resented my behavior, and the implication that his integrity was subject to question.

Our communication has deteriorated to the point where he does not share things with me for ''fear'' that whatever it is I will somehow get aggravated and upset. This in turn has led me to feel more suspicious, etcetera, etcetera.

Last week was the final straw. He became so angered that he told me he wanted out for once and for all. He has now come up with a plan in attempts of saving this relationship, whether the outcome is us remaining ''married'', or as ''close friends.''

He believes that there is something seriously flawed in my perception of the dynamic of what marriage means. We are now ''separated'' while continuing to live together as I learn and change and grow. He has removed the elements of expectation of each other, and the act of sex as he believes it is intimately tied to my aberrant thinking pattern. Even though he seemed to be my soul-mate in the very early parts of the relationship, I have found no closeness in our sexual encounters and have relied on fantasy as I had in my prior marriage. He has told me that we are still married, and this is not a ''go out and meet others'' situation. He truly believes that this is necessary in order to move forward. We still talk on the phone the same amount of time each day while at work, we still hold hands and cuddle, and we still sleep in the same bed.

I am learning--very slowly--how to manage my emotions and fears, and how to respect him for the individual he is, rather than taking out my damage on him. My very big challenge is to start seeing myself as worthy unto myself and not rely on others to validate my existence. Even though he is the one who disengaged so that we can hopefully come into a healthy intimate relationship, it was I who told him that I would not sleep with him again until I knew, without any doubt, that I can be ''present.' I want nothing more than happiness in my marriage (an in my life), and I have been working extremely hard on those things that ''belong'' to me.

What do you think about all of this?

Response from Daniel…

Despite the confusion and discouragement you've experienced in past and current relationships, you are heading in the direction of healthy and positive changes. The most important thing you said about what is going on for you right now is that you realize that your "very big challenge" is to start seeing yourself as worthy in your own right and stop relying on others to validate your existence. It sounds like you are already doing some good work in your individual therapy and it would behoove you to continue as a regimen of intensive self-work, a good year or so, will be necessary for you to build a stronger relationship with yourself that encompasses more insight, self-awareness, healing and developing your self as the vital source of nourishment that has long been lacking. You experience is consistent with someone whose family of origin relationships were predominantly dysfunctional, non-emotionally nourishing, non-intimate, and as a result of the emotional deprivation you encountered, you're left with a huge hole, a backlog of emotional pain related to unmet emotional needs, which you (unconsciously) seek to relieve in you current relationship pursuits. This can, to some extent, explain why you relationships appear to be working in the beginning, and appear to have a future, only to break down under the weight of unresolved issues -- an insatiable hunger and longing for love -- that no one person or relationship can or will ever satisfy. When they fail to provide you what you expect and depend on them to provide, you're emotional volatility is way more than your partner can handle. A lesson I consider key and which most couples don't understand and usually end up learning through struggle is their ability to distinguish between what issues are yours and for you to work through on your own (Mine); what is your partner's and for him/her to be responsible to resolve on his/her own (Yours); and what are the issues the two of you must come together to resolve (Ours). How this lesson applies in your case is that you have your work cut out for yourself. The struggles that have plagued you appear to be your issues, the Mine, and are for you to continue working on in your individual therapy and not use your relationship(s) to do so.