My Girlfriend Can Not Handle our Long Distance Relationship.

My girlfriend and I are very in love and we have a long distance relationship. I go to Ohio State and she goes to the University of Toledo. Lately, she has been completely unable to handle the distance, even though we see each other every weekend. She is causing fights and arguments all the time, but says it's because she loves me so much and just gets frustrated from being apart. She can't seem to fix her problem and nothing I try helps. She is inconsolable. How do we make this stop?

Response from Daniel….

Your girlfriend's reactions to being apart or separated tells me that she is likely using the relationship to fulfill some unmet, unconscious emotional needs, which, over time could end up sabotaging your relationship, or, at the very least, limit the level of intimacy that can be achieved. She's relying on you and the relationship more than she is on herself to quell her insecurities. This makes her dependent or addicted to you or the relationship in a way that keeps her from growing as a person, which is a key element when two people who love each other are apart for varying periods of time by virtue of natural circumstances, but who then get back together and the relationship is deeper and stronger than ever before because they are able to bring more of themselves to the relationship. This is why I would not recommend extending yourself, or compromising your focus; drop what you are doing to be with her more in hopes of consoling her. A definition of a dysfunctional relationship is one where one compromises oneself in order to keep the relationship. If one is true to oneself, then the relationship is at risk. One comes at the expense of the other.

A relationship can be considered to be healthy when both people feel free to have and pursue their separate lives without jeopardy to the relationship. One is true to oneself while the relationship remains in tact. If you have a strong sense of self or relationship with yourself, you will need to feel free to live your life independently of the relationship and will be looking forward to returning to the relationship feeling closer than ever. Periods of separation can often work wonders on the quality of the relationship.

In an effort to avoid continued fighting which I imagine makes you both feel worse as there is no resolution or understanding achieved, it would behoove you both to explore what happens when you are apart in a couple therapy setting.

Involvement with this guy is ill-advised, ill-conceived and ill-consummated.

I met a guy approx. 6 yrs ago, an alcoholic, and in treatment at the time. I did not know this or anything about what to expect. Guess I didn't believe it. He went to prison for approx. 3 yrs (DUI.) I stuck by him, even though my son called police which led to the 5^th DUI. I visited him on a regular basis, and gave him another chance when he was released. We moved together which lasted approx. 2 months until the drinking started again. He was verbally abusive at times; loud, jealous etc. I moved and did not see him for approx. 2 years. I decided to call and see how he was doing. He said he was doing well, and again tried to work things out. I had to move out again as he was still drinking. I moved and didn't want to be involved even though I cared so much. I couldn't take all the madness and seeing the drinking and behaviors. He is also manic/ bipolar which seems to make it worse. There is a lot of mania and he refuses medication. He recently lost his mother and I again felt the need to help him through this. He has bought a home and wants me to move in. He can be a great guy and I wish that side of him would stay forever, but am so scared about the drinking starting and him losing the house. I want him to go into treatment, but don't have a good track record, and I am so scared of getting emotionally involved again. I told him we can be friends. I will talk and stop by, but treatment needs to come before any relationship. I wish I had a magic wand that I could make it all go away for him. He has been drinking since 15 years or so, and see him slowly dying. What can I do? Thank you, Merilee

Response from Daniel….

What are you going to do without a magic wand? I, too wish I had a magic wand, but have to rely on myself for magic. What kind of magic are we talking about?

From what you described, you involvement with this man at this time sounds ill-advised, ill-conceived and ill-consummated. Your words give the impression that you are operating in a predominant state of denial/delusion. Neither of you appear to be anywhere close to entering into an intimate relationship with the relationship quickly destructing. Your friend is dually diagnosed being alcoholic and bi-polar, and has not as yet achieved a period of sustained sobriety and stability from his bi-polar symptoms. He can not be considered to have yet bottomed out given that he is still refusing meds and has recently gotten his 5th DUI. He, and for that matter, you both are challenging a basic principle often heard in 12-step meetings -- "No intimate relationships during the first year of recovery." Achieving sobriety and learning how to cope without alcohol and stabilize will require upwards of a year minimum before he will be ready to enter into an intimate relationship and for that relationship to have a chance of working out. And you have your work cut out for yourself as well -- as you will need to emerge from your denial/delusions and learn to overcome your codependent tendencies and how to exercise healthy self-interest in your relationships.

I recommend that you do what it takes to pull yourself out of this involvement and instead focus on developing the relationship with yourself. And you will also need to give him the space and time he needs to find the necessary level of care or program for him to achieve sobriety and stabilization. Until then entering staying involved in this relationship is premature and spells disaster.