My Boyfriend is Distancing Himself from Me.....

Do recovering alcoholics have trouble being happy in dating relationships?

I have been dating a man for the last year and a half. He has been free of alcohol for about two years now. He attends AA meetings whenever he can as he works nights. Over the past few months he has been very unsettled in our relationship. We were looking at houses together and then he (all of a sudden) stopped. I feel he has been distancing himself from me as of late. He feels purposeless, is not excited or motivated in things he used to be, he is easily depressed. Just recently he came to me and told me he needs a break. He feels he needs to focus on the next step of AA which is step four. He says he also needs to get a sponsor; something he has not done thus far. He says he needs to take time to learn to love himself before he can love me. I feel mislead and very hurt. I love him enough to let him go and do what he needs to do. He says he never wants to be married, something he knows is my eventual goal. I guess my questions are these...

Is it possible for a guy like this to be in a stable and happy relationship once he has followed through with the twelve steps? And is this normal behavior for an addictive personality, to question and or doubting their ability to be happy? I'm torn between waiting this out (no matter how long it takes) in hopes he can commit to me one day. Or, am I better to walk away and just pray for him?

Response from Daniel....

You described well the current status of this relationship, placed on hold by him as he needs to focus on his recovery while you're faced with unmet expectations. He may be in the process of re-prioritizing as he put his recovery ahead of the relationship without forewarning. What is best for him from his perspective is not sitting well with you. It wasn't what you wanted or hoped he would decide. Right now, it is all bets off for the relationship. He has determined that what he needs most is to focus on himself. Although possible, it is unlikely the two of you will end up together, unless it was somehow meant to be at a later time, perhaps when you're both more self-realized.

You are likely doing better than you know. You have the clarity, openness and honesty to assess where the relationship is right now, while you seem to lack the the strength within yourself to accept this transitional phase, possibly the the end. You may now be free to return to the path of continuing self-work -- learning how to exercise
healthy self-interest in your relationships and create healthy relationships. There are lessons to be learned that will undoubtedly bode well for you in you continuing pursuit of a lasting intimate relationship. You are at the point in your recovery to focus on developing your relationship with yourself; develop resources within yourself to rely on for emotional nourishment so that you will no longer have to depend on those who don't provide for you emotionally, nor can engage fully in a developing relationship with you. He is on the right track having realized that he must learn to
love himself before he can love you. This may as well apply to you. You, too must learn to love yourself.

Aside from the recovery issues, some basic principles may apply here. One is that healthy relationships are founded on mutual interest and desire to proceed together. You don't want to pursue any relationship that isn't mutual. Another is that the most reliable criteria for predicting the quality and success of a relationship is the quality of
rapport from the beginning, that both contribute equally in a joint-effort creation. Whether or not in recovery, the ability to be in a lasting, intimate relationship depends on the relationship one has with oneself. It is necessary that you enter into a relationship with self-worth already established so that you are not depending on others to feel wanted or loved. Hopefully you'll do both: walk away and pray for him. Have faith that you will both be better off.