Should I Leave an Abusive Relationship?

I have been in a relationship with a crystal meth addict for over a year. She has been in NA for as long as I have known her. She used for 9 years, and has been clean for 3 years. I know that she verbally abused her ex girlfriend, but thought it wouldn't happen to me - she doesn't do drugs now. But she has had some behavior issues and she blames it all on me. She controlled me, didn't want me to go out dancing, although we live in different cities. She did not want me to hang out with other lesbians. When she got mad at me she would hang up the phone. When we started having problems (because of the long distance and the fact that she tried to get with a new comer in her group) I visited her. For two weeks she yelled, called me names, blamed every problem on me and said "I don't want to deal". She locked herself in her room. She rubbed dirty underwear up my face, lied and bossed me around.

My question. What do I do? I broke up with her and feel guilty. Can behavior patterns from her 9 years of addiction still exist? Even after 3 years in recovery?

Response from Daniel....

I'm hard pressed to recall whether I've ever met or worked with an addict either in recovery or not, whose family of origin relationships, as well as current ones weren't predominantly dysfunctional. From what you described, breaking up with her comes across as a perhaps difficult, but reality based decision and that represents healthy self interest. When communication deteriorates the way it has for you and becomes abusive as you say yours had become, it is usually a good time to walk. Regardless of how much recovery there is, if you're considering getting back together, some intensive couples therapy or training is strongly recommended.

Mother Interference in Marriage.

My husband is very much a mama's boy. He calls his mom at least twice a day, his mom comes to visit him at his work place 2-3 times a week. She advises him on what to buy me, and he accepts her suggestions gladly. My husband also helps his parents financially.

If he is upset with me for one reason or another, and his mom tells him to calm down, than he does. Otherwise he continues to be upset with me. His relationship with me is affected by what his mother tells him. In addition to seeing his mom during the week, we also go to her house every Friday night for dinner. In addition, his mom makes it a point to come and wake us up every Saturday morning, and stay at our house for long periods of time. When I suggest that maybe we should have Friday night dinner alone or at someone else's house, he becomes upset.

In the last year we've been married (we were married on July 11, 2006) we hardly saw anyone else other than his family. My sister lives in another city, and in the past year I only saw her 10-11 times. I currently live in Israel, about five minutes walk away from his parents' house, and my parents live in the States. I though of moving to a different city, and putting some distance between them, but it is financially impossible.

I love my husband, and I don't think his mom is a bad person, but I am having a very hard time. Is there any book I can read to help me help my husband become less of a mama's boy? Can you suggest anything that may help me save my marriage!

Please answer soon!!!

Response from Daniel...

Given that you've been married only one year ago, I recommend that both of you pursue some marital counseling-consider early stage intervention or pre-marital counseling in hopes of opening up lines of communication and get your relationship going in a better direction. Right now it appears that your husband is caught in a bind between you and his mother and can not extricate himself from his mother, nor establish any boundaries to preserve his relationship with you eliminating his mother's constant interference. If you don't address your concerns now, you're looking at a relationship future in which his mother will continue being a stumbling block between the two of you.

It's also possible that during counseling you realize that the relationship may no longer be a viable one, that he doesn't have the motivation or ability to set those boundaries, in which case you may consider leaving.