Is Video Gaming an Addiction?

No doubt can video gaming become a source of relief upon which s/he has come to depend. In the case of video gaming, the relationship is with images. Over indulgence on playing video games offer similarities to porn addiction. The addict has become emotionally involved and this relationship becomes the primary one, rendering all others a distant second. In most cases, the quality of family of origin relationships as well as current ones were suspect to begin only to become increasingly limited as does the addict's ability to address his/her relationships, let alone have any idea of anything awry. Addictions generally make other relationships impossible. From The Relationship Model of Addiction perspective, addiction defined as a "pathological dependence" and is, therefore, by definition a relationship with a source of relief. When it is images we're talking about, it becomes clearer that these are images, not people; not person to person contact but animated images run by electricity and exploit our primordial longings that the addict is involved with. As is the case with all other addictions, relief and escape are provided. Anyone whose level of pain from unmet emotional needs are desperate for relief any way that works. Why not video gaming?

Long Term Relationships - Does "No Intimacy Rule Still Apply?"

My husband of 8 years is an addict. We have two children. A 6 year old and a 8 month old. Last summer he left me pregnant. He said he did not want to be married any longer. He relapsed and got into a relationship with another addict. Just before the baby was born he got clean and wanted to try to work things out. He has been attending meetings and counseling (self and marriage) sessions for almost 9 months. For the first 6 months we were not intimate. I insisted he be tested before we could even attempt to have sex. After about six months he tested clean and we had sex. That was three months ago. We attempted to have sex two other times and he had difficulties staying erect. Now he states that he does not have the desire to have sex. I have been reading about intimacy and recovery and know that it is a common problem. What are your thoughts. Also, I know that relationships are not recommended for the first year of recovery. What do you do when you are already in a long term relationship and have children?

Does this still apply?

Response from Daniel....

When you are already in a relationship, the idea of 'relationship abstinence' for a year doesn't apply. What does apply is the likelihood that the pre-existing relationship will be in a precarious state. The idea for those already in a relationship is to make a concerted effort to explore together the implications that recovery has on the relationship. If you are not striving towards recovery as individuals and together aligned in purpose and vision, and communicating about the kind of relationship you want to create together, the changes that you both want to make, the relationship can easily revert to yet another dysfunctional relationship that will either end or not be a healthy one if it continued. For the two of you, couples therapy is strongly recommended, so that you have a safe learning environment where you can come together to communicate about the things that are going on, i.e. concerns, fears, desires, disappointments, needs wishes, dreams as well as developing action plan for change as well as implementation. It's not unusual for those in early recovery to experience emotional withdrawal, becoming emotionally frozen, numb and/or defended when navigating the treacherous terrain of sexual intimacy, let alone, intimacy when sober.

Intimacy is a monumental challenge for anyone, but especially so for those early in recovery.

Daniel

Is this relationship with an alcoholic possible?

A little background: I am not an alcoholic and I have (despite the red flags and against my better judgment) fallen in love with an alcoholic who is committed to his program and has been sober for eight years. We have been trying to work this relationship for six months and both of us want to make it work. I have been involved in two very long-term relationships, one healthy and one not. I know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

I am willing to do the work to build this relationship, because I feel that this man is worth it. I am not willing to sacrifice myself in the process. For both of us, the past six months has been a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. He feels that the relationship is good for him, while I am feeling that it is destructive for me. It is a constant dance of him pulling me close and then shoving me away. He says the right things, but his actions are contradictory. I am beginning to feel major self-doubt and insecurity.

I have decided to try al-anon, but feel that I am better able to process information through reading and reflection. Can you recommend articles, books or pamphlets that might address my specific problem? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel...

Your question, "Is a healthy relationship possible or is my suffering a part of his disease that I must learn to live with?" is tantamount to" If I stay in a relationship with a dysfunctional person, will I be forever trapped in a dysfunctional relationship?" Commitment to recovery can overcome lack of experience in healthy relationships. After a sustained period of sobriety is achieved, one must focus on the return to self-hood, reclaiming yourself, getting to know and love yourself and develop that relationship with yourself, which are prerequisites for creating intimate relationships.

Commitment to recovery ensures that you will eventually learn what it means to manifest healthy self-interest in relationships and be able to do so when challenged. Once you're able to act in your own best interests, i.e. you have a vision of the kind of relationship you're looking for, and you understand your responsibility, you'll no longer have worry about getting stuck in a bad relationship. You'll no longer be plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. You'll be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships and act accordingly. You can be leading the way towards health and intimacy, "raising the bar" and not be looking to him to do so. Acting with healthy self-interest means being able to set limits, say what you feel and need when pointing to his pull-push tendencies, his mixed messages, how he creates distance when there is the potential for intimacy. Despite your history in relationships, it is possible to learn some basic principles, pitfalls, challenges and communication skills, i.e. what to do and how to do it. Intimacy is always a joint-effort effort creation, an art form that requires constant attention and practice, but you can master the craft regardless of your experience in relationships. Reading my books, Demystifying Addiction and Relational Recovery could be a turning point for you.