Picking up where the 12-Steps leave off… Continued

Dear Daniel,

I receive your reply with sincere appreciation and admiration for your dedicated work and I am further convinced of your true desire to help others, evidenced by your very thoughtful discussion.

I would first like to say that I am not at all opposed to therapy and agree that psycho-therapy has it's important place in recovery from addictions and beyond addictions. I apologize to you if I implied otherwise. We differ in our beliefs over a few points, but still, I do admire and appreciate your work and dedication. I have used psychotherapy in recovery myself and believe I have come out the better for it. In fact, I believe that most everyone could use psychotherapy for life and it could be beneficial. So please don't think that I believe that your industry is not a worthy one. But do you realize that the 12 Steps are a program of Psycho/Sprito Therapy? Sounds funny, but it's true. In fact, the word "Psyche" is from the Ancient Greek, meaning "The connection between the mind and the soul." And how does one treat or heal the soul of another? This is a fascinating question to me.

One very important lesson I learned for myself was that the therapy helped me "honestly" find the problem that only God, through the steps could solve. In that way, therapy was essential to me. Had I the capacity to be more honest with my sponsor, I might have got the job done on that level. Had it not been for therapy, I could not have taken this to the Source of Ultimate Healing. I am not a religious person and am one of those who was soured by Judeo-Christian religion. Though I have long since lost that old prejudice, but still don't subscribe to organized religion. Nevertheless, AA, particularly in The Big Book, pages 46 and 47 opens a door wide enough for any atheist to pass through into a real spiritual structure. This door remains always open to anyone. There is no program without Step 2, I am sure you will agree.

One huge problem which shows itself within today's AA rooms is the diluted message that is carried. Not understanding the essence of steps one and two is a certain path to failure in recovery.

I believe that all behavior is determined by emotion and that all emotion is determined by thought and all thought by the condition of the spirit. I could not agree with you any more regarding the value of relationships determining the quality of ones recovery and ones life.

But of course the 12 Step process is entirely about relationships. The action of the steps begin with building a relationship with oneself -steps 4 through 7. In so doing, the step taker is introduced to him/herself by him/herself, perhaps for the first time in their lives.

As soon as this occurs, that person has, maybe for the first time, the ability to introduce themselves to another. Boom! God appears. Whether a person believes in God, calls God by whatever name he/she chooses, or not, God does appear. This is the Experience all alcoholics/addicts must have in order to return to sanity with respect to the first drink ordrug. How do we know this to be true? Easy! Before 1935, according to Carl Jung, alcoholics recovered only sporadically, here and there, every now and then, and to Dr, Jung, it was a "phenomenon." He couldn't explain it. But he could relate his observations of these phenomena. His observations were that they "always" took the form of a profound personality change brought about by a "spiritual experience." Jung also made the statement that he believed ALL mental illnesses to have a spiritual cause. "Spirita Contra Spiritum."

How could anyone argue the fact that prior to 1935 there was No Solution to alcoholism that anyone on earth could offer to another in the form of a process, and since that memorial date, only 71 short years ago, millions around the world have recovered from alcoholism and the numbers continue to grow exponentially? How can that be argued? That is what does not need fixing. The "world" needs fixing with respect to learning how to lovingly relate to each other. As I said, your work is very important work and certainly a mammoth of a task. You yourself noted that today, 50% of marriages fail. That record sucks. There is a problem that needs to be addressed, and I don't doubt for a minute that one could find fertile ground for candidates inside the walls of 12 Step Halls.

The 12 Step process is All About Relationships - Recovery is a 3 legged stool (chair, if you will) consisting of the leg of a relationship with oneself, a relationship with others, and a relationship with God. Remove any leg, the chair will fall. We ALL need an overhaul in the area of relationships - period.

Sexual or otherwise. An alcoholics LIFE depends on establishing and maintaining these relationships. Ultimately, yes, one has to work it out on the playing field, not in meeting rooms, therapy offices, or in text books. What we are discussing here is "Love", a word that, by definition cannot be defined. Some believe that God is Love. God, by definition, cannot be defined. Recovery is about growing in Love in relationships.

Einstein believed that this included things beyond human beings, but the embrace of ALL Living Things. Of course, he was Einstein. But he didn't have a solution for alcoholism that he could offer another.

I did not mean to imply that your work is not appreciated or that it has no value. On the contrary. I only mean to say that your work is not AA work, number one. There are differences in philosophy between your work and AA, but that does not necessarily mean that they are mutually at odds, which may be paradoxical. I doubt that either of us can say with 100% certainty. But the record does stand undisputed. That record is that on this day, May 3, 2007, this planet has never hosted so many living recovered" alcoholics and addicts. And to whom or to what should we credit this miraculous fact?

With all of my truest respect and admiration for your work, sir, I do not think that psychotherapy is the reason for this "phenomenon," as Dr, Jung put it. Because of Jung's genuine humility demonstrated by his telling his patient, one Roland Hazzard of NYC, in 1934, that his patient's condition was "beyond human aid", AA would not have taken root. If the Great Dr. Carl Jung couldn't do this job, I must ask myself, "how much less could I?" That is how AA came into it's existence - through Jung's visit with Roland Hazzard. Hazzard joined the Oxford Group, met Ebby, Ebby visited Bill, and poof! It happened. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous covers every area that determines the quality of a person's life, from spiritual to the mundane.

I hope that you find our discussion encouraging rather than discouraging in your quest to be of service. I am grateful men like you are around. If anything I believe that there must be a distinct line between psychotherapy and the 12 steps and not that therapy needs to be eradicated. If these are mixed together, the solution is diluted. We MUST carry the Message in its purity. Our lives depend on it. I have visited the meeting rooms of many off-shoot 12 Step programs of AA. I have found none to carry the real message. That is why the other groups have such an embarrassing record of success. I first tried NA, as drugs were my first preference. I couldn't even hear the actual problem there,let alone a solution.

So if you believe that AA falls so short and can be harmful, you should be obligated to write about that in Recovery Journals. That is type of honesty that Carl Jung displayed which made such a difference to the world. You wrote, "I see the inherent value of the Big Book as a resource that provides much needed guidance in the area of relationship building as woefully inadequate." I refer you to pages 68 through 71. In particular page 69 paragraph 2 and 3. How can one improve on this method? If a person lives his/her life according to these principles only success can follow. No one, alcoholic or not, does this perfectly. And anyone, alcoholic or not, would find success in relationships by adhering to these principles. The other programs have far less success because they, for the most part, don't use the Big Book, and their programs are watered down products of the AA process.

Again, the success of AA stands alone as the single most important contribution to alcoholism the world has ever know, Undisputed - the ONLY solution to alcoholism the world has ever known. Do people in AA have relationship problems? Of course. Probably more so than the larger population. We also have more financial problems and car problems, and so forth. Symptoms of the problem. But our relationships MUST improve and grow along spiritual lines or we drink/drug again. (see page 70, 1st full paragraph.)

How do you interpret Step One? Will you indulge me and explain your understanding of this most important step?

Nick

Response from Daniel 5/11/07

“The Quality of Your Relationships is the Quality of your Life”

Hi Nick,

Thanks again for your interest and continued discussion.

With my primary focus on self and relationship building, I want to take this opportunity to expound on my views about the 12-Step program in general. Believe it or not, we agree that the 12-Step program is the number one support group for recovering addicts (in and out of therapy), and that the 12-Steps themselves are a stand alone entity, needing no therapeutic adjunct, and when adhered to, they serve as a viable spiritual, life-enhancing, a self and relationship-building program. We couldn’t agree more when you say, “If a person lives his/her life according to these principles only success can follow.” “The success of AA stands alone as the single most important contribution to alcoholism the world has ever known.” And “Our relationships MUST improve and grow along spiritual lines or we drink/drug again.”

When we look at the 12-Steps and begin to interpret what they mean and how they may apply to recovery, what stands out to me is that six of the twelve steps have references to God (Steps Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity; Three Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God; Five Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs; Six We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character; Seven Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings; and Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.)

For someone new to the Program, it might appear that the Steps are weighted, that there is an emphasis on God, and far less attention is paid to relationship with self and others. While understanding that the 12-step process is entirely about relationships – with God – with others – and with oneself (the “three legged chair”) certainly resonates, your 17 years of recovery is quite evident by your rather sophisticated interpretation. I surmise that one must be around for a while, working and participating rigorously in the Program enough to be able to understand what it is all about, or achieve the same understanding that you did.

When it comes to the nature of experience – the experience we refer to as God, there is always “more than meets the eye.” You use the word god-like when referring to what happens when people share themselves and connect with each other at the meetings. In your words, “…when the person introduces him/herself to another, “Boom. God appears.” I take what you mean when referring to God is the connection to another human being, and you add that this is an essential experience in order to return to sanity. There is that connection. Understanding might be part of it – when you get that you’re in a room with other addicts who’ve been there themselves, and have crashed and burned as well. You also realize that you are not alone. Compassion might be felt for the first time and can be a compelling awakening. Intimacy might happen. Yes, something spiritual or god-like happens, something transformative, something human.

Then there is love, personal and impersonal -- which is what generally happens at the Anonymous meetings. And personal, what it feels like to feel like to love and be loved, what it feels like to say, “I love you.” and to hear, “I love you.” The feeling of closeness is god-like in that it is all encompassing.

That connection is what gets generated between people and springs from a joint-effort creation between people. Intimacy springs from a joint-effort creation between two people. Co-creation between two people has a god-like connotation.

You say, “What we’re discussing here is "Love", a word that, by definition cannot be defined. Some believe that God is Love. God, by definition, cannot be defined.”

What our discussion may come down to is our respective perspectives on the pros and cons of trying to define Love and God and what they mean, and what the spiritual component of recovery is in more concrete terms. Maybe God and Love are one and the same.

Love and God are concepts, which, as you stated, are difficult to define, but nevertheless can be defined or described, in a personalized way. Defining for oneself what Love and God mean and what they feel like is a key part of the recovery process. When these concepts remain abstractions or words that mean different things to different people, when one’s actual experience remains obscured. When no one’s talking about them or having on-going discussions, chances are that such profound concepts will not ever become personally meaningful or felt from within oneself.

My moment of glory, my turning-point came when I realized that I really can’t stop gambling even after having crashed and burned several times. Demoralization had turned into self-loathing. I deserved what happened because I was a failure and a loser. But when I was able to understand and accept that gambling had become an addiction and I couldn’t control myself, there was humility. When my denial had finally cleared, I saw my delusions and self-deception for what they were. I saw that I had been lying to myself. That I wasn’t being myself, and this was out of character for me. I was betraying what was most important to me, which was being true to myself. I was also able to get that gambling has, does and always will put me at risk of self-destruction. It’s when I’m in touch with and feeling good about myself, I wonder, “Why do I want to do that to myself?” “Why continue to hurt myself?” “That’s’ not what I want to do with my life.”

At some point on the path of recovery, Self enters the picture. From the relationship with oneself springs the relationships with others. Quality and depth in one carries over to the other.

Steps Two and Three imply that God- “as being a power greater than oneself” exists outside of oneself. Will power and Self are used interchangeably. In context of starting on the path of recovery, “bottoming out,” recognizing one has lost control, is powerless and one’s life has become unmanageable, are undoubtedly necessary first steps. The addict must surrender to these facts before s/he can proceed. Steps Two and Three provide assurance that they will stop using, stabilize and restore their sanity despite not knowing how, but as long as they have faith, blind faith, they will be okay. They bring forth the possibility of hope and change in the face of overwhelming demoralization.

But as one continues on a path of recovery and progresses through the rest of the Steps, problems will inevitably arise if will power and Self become synonymous because Self is so much more than will power. What does it mean to have a Self? To be self-aware? To have a voice within yourself? To make decisions based on healthy self-interest? To be yourself? To be yourself in a relationship with someone else?

Best regards,

Daniel