Picking up where the 12-Steps leave off…

Dear Daniel,

My name is Nick. I've been a member of AA for 17 years. AA has given me a life I have never known before or even dreamed could be possible. It has given me a life, period. You've heard my story, it's every recovered alcoholic's story - the same, only different. For 15 of my 17 years in AA, I have led Big Book Study groups. For 8 of those years I led a 12 Step Workshop. In each case, I was the student. I am also an AA history buff and have read most every piece of AA Conference approved literature and lots of non-conference approved literature about alcoholism as well. But never in all my years of reading and studying have I ever come across a single sentence or phrase that suggests or implies that AA has any "Cardinal Rules" as you have misstated in your article "No Intimate Relationships During First Year of Sobriety." You won't find it either because they simply do not exist. Of course, I've heard this saying in the rooms a lot. We suspect it comes from Treatment Centers which is the way many alcoholics/addicts have come into recovery over the past couple of decades. That rule is appropriate while in treatment. Out-Patient therapists like to "suggest" that idea, too. But first, allow me to express to you what I believe is more than my opinion about "sexual relationships during the first year of sobriety." Like you, I believe
they often are, or can be, a precarious thing for a newcomer in AA. I don't think it is a good idea. However, that is not the issue. The issue is that there are, first and most importantly, "No Cardinal Rules" in AA. That's why AA works.

Bill W. wanted to make a bunch of hard fast rules in the beginning and he was very wisely (probably divinely) advised to soften his approach. Instead of "rules", let alone Cardinal Rules, I believe it was Father Dowling or Dr. Silkworth who suggested that he use the term "suggest." This is no small point. Most believe that AA would never have gotten off the ground if not for this fact of our agreed approach to carrying The Message. I feel certain of this. If there is one sure-fire way to make an alcoholic thirsty, tell him not to drink. Yet there is something even more fundamentally wrong with the idea that you, well meaning I am sure, write about. Your idea is one of "avoidance." Please refer to page 100 in the Big Book. You will read a sentence that is quite surprising and poignant. It reads, "In our belief any scheme that suggests shielding the alcoholic from temptation is doomed to failure." And so I am troubled by your article because it made headlines in a publication that many new people in AA have not yet come to discern as "outside opinions" and not AA. I think your well meant idea is potentially harmful and not because the idea itself is a bad one, on the contrary. Because it doesn't need to be expressed at all - "if the student is ready...." You see, sir, AA begins at the point where it "assumes the reader (Big Book)
wants to stop drinking." The original authors of the Big Book, who happened to "..absolutely agree on [a way out] and upon which [they joined] together in brotherly and harmonious action." (p 17)

Now do you suppose for one moment that this issue of sexual relationships in early recovery was just a matter that the founders and authors of the Book overlooked? Hardly. This issue is completely addressed in the chapter "Into Action" on pages 69 and 70. The text very tactfully and wisely makes the point that in AA you are going to find everyone from one extreme to the other regarding their opinions about sex. It states that every one of us needs an overhaul in that department. And it divinely states that "We don't want to be the arbiter over anyone's sexual conduct" that "We want to stay out of this controversy."

I could easily quote numerous verses from our text that refute your idea. But it stands to simple reason that if someone is dying from the disease of alcoholism and that if he or she goes after this program (which is simply a 12 Step way of finding a relationship with God) "...with all the desperation of a drowning man," then, like myself in the beginning, they will have little interest in starting a new romantic relationship. I had only enough breath left to swim to shore even with the life preserver of AA while my sponsor pointed out the shore's direction to me. If someone has enough breath left in their lungs to stop off and have an orgy, they simply are not ready for recovery yet. We see this often. It is no one's job to make them ready. How can anyone make another ready to get a relationship with God? That is alcohol's
job.

I know that you hope to help people and I have no doubt that you do. But
in this case, with all due respect sir, you are wrong. There is no Cardinal Rule about having intimate relationships in a person's first year of sobriety. Our message has absolutely nothing to do with "avoidance of any kind." Again I refer to page 100 with its ominous warning about a scheme to avoid. There are several other erroneous sayings that have come into our Fellowship. These generally make our job as sponsors more difficult. The guiding principle in AA is that one cannot rock the boat if one is rowing. We do not focus upon God's won't, but His "Will" for us and the Power to carry that out.

I hope you receive my message as a friendly one. It is meant to be. I assume that you are not a member of AA, otherwise, you would know what I have expressed and understand why I have expressed it. I hope you do not take a defensive posture over my attempt to bring Light where I believe there are shadows. AA is not broke and needs no fixing. I have yet to meet a single (unattached/unmarried) alcoholic who sincerely wanted recovery to prematurely go after a sexual relationship. I have seen many whom have abstained from sexual relationships for sometimes years, finally get into one and with it came all of the problems that were not yet surfaced. I have seen people with double digit sobriety relapse while in a difficult, dysfunctional relationship. But I have never seen a person relapse who places God first, whether in early or later sobriety. A "bad" relationship with another human does not cause relapse. It is symptomatic, not causal. No relationship with God causes relapse. And no relationship with God causes unloving relationships with others. You know these Truths.

Interestingly, M. Scott Peck believed that it (a sexual/romantic relationship) is all about the friction. But I'm sure you know this, too. What is in the well will always come up in the bucket. I pray that we all grow in our understanding and effectiveness when working with alcoholics in recovery. There are no toll roads on the stairway to Heaven and we must do it for free and for fun. Another reason why AA works where nothing else can. I respect your very keen insights into the dynamics that no doubt occur in intimate relationships with people in sobriety, early or not. But again, this recovery business is about finding and maintaining a relationship with God - period. Once done, all things are possible - even good healthy sex. The majority of the authors of the Big Book were in their first year of sobriety - they wrote the Book.

Sincerely yours,

Nick C.

Response from Daniel...

Dear Nick,

Thank you for your response and continued discussion regarding issues you raised related to my article in Recovery Today -- "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery." You offered a thoughtful veteran insider's (AA) perspective and response. Your comments made me realize that it might help to further clarify where I'm coming from and provide more contextual information regarding my background and approach.

My choice of words, "cardinal rule" wasn't to imply that the 12-Step program is the originator or endorser of such a rule. You are accurate that I heard about this guideline or principle from a number of recovering people, some of whom were very involved in the 12-Step Program and some who aren’t/weren't, and that I may have erroneously made it appear as if the principle was like a "13th Step." I chose to hone in on getting involved in sexually intimate relationships prematurely as an issue to explore further simply because I saw so many people do so despite warnings to use caution and restraint, only to see those relationships fail and lead to relapses.

The main point running through the article is to look beyond sobriety and make self-work and relationship skills building a core focus, especially for those in early recovery. But, yes, you are accurate, that my perspective is an “outside opinion,” not coming from the 12-Step philosophy or program.

In addition to Marriage and Family Therapist, I consider myself an Addiction Specialist and Relationship Trainer. Personally, I have direct experience of the 12-Step program as I am a recovering compulsive gambler who relies on Gambler’s Anonymous and had attended many meetings.

I have been working predominantly with a recovering population throughout my 25 years of clinical experience, which includes treatment programs as well as private practice. It’s become almost common knowledge that in order to achieve and sustain a quality recovery, a transition to a network of sober, emotionally nourishing relationships and intimate relationships must be accomplished. Without sober, healthy relationships or remaining in predominantly dysfunctional ones undoubtedly places one at increased risk of relapse because most addicts in early recovery do not have the ability to cope with the accompanying stress and pain without resorting to their relationship with a means of relief.

The need for relationship training is based on my belief that the quality of your relationships is the quality of your life (and recovery.) While you say that you “have yet to meet a single (unattached/unmarried) alcoholic who sincerely wanted recovery to prematurely go after a sexual relationship,” this does not at all jive with my experience. Most recovering people lack relationship building skills, are not prepared for the rigors of a healthy intimate relationship and tend to underestimate them. They and are out there on their own in a sea of dysfunctionality, where “the blind are leading the blind.” No doubt, there is a glaring need for relationship training that provides some basic understanding of principles, pitfalls, challenges and that teaches communication skills that empower recovering people to transform the quality of their relationships.

Another basic principle is that relationships fail or end up as re-enactments of previous dysfunctional ones primarily because of the lack of self-development. Relationship training is predicated on and begins with 2 basic principles: A -- The most important relationship is with yourself, and B -- A relationship is as healthy as the two people in it.

As I stated in my article, an all too common pattern or tendency is to escape the challenge of identifying and coping with one's own emotions, let alone be able to risk expressing them in a relationship, is to shift the focus onto someone else or a relationship, rather than onto oneself. The addict's ingrained tendency is to seek external sources of relief or that makes one feel better about oneself puts the kibosh on developing internal resources or the relationship with oneself.

True, avoidance or refrain of sexually intimate relationships during the first year of recovery is recommended (or suggested) based on what I understand as par for the course of addiction and the multitude of ways in which recovering addicts are vulnerable.

I can understand that when you have (successfully) relied on and adhered to solely 12-Step philosophy, focusing on self-development and relationships may seem off center, confusing and even dangerous depending on how it is interpreted.

“If there is one sure-fire way to make an alcoholic thirsty, tell him not to drink.” Our message has absolutely nothing to do with "avoidance of any kind." When you refer to page 100 in the Big Book, "In our belief any scheme that suggests to shield the alcoholic from temptation is doomed to failure" as an example of adequately addressing relationships; in contrast, I see the inherent value of the Big Book as a resource that provides much needed guidance in the area of relationship building as woefully inadequate. You imply that recovering addict my be open to any and all experience, can navigate the treacherous terrain of relationship building on his or her own, and that trial and error learning will eventually provide the experience necessary to transform the quality of his or her relationships. This is simply not the case. Are you suggesting when you say, "If the student is ready....", that the recovering addict knows when s/he is prepared for the rigors of creating and sustaining healthy intimate relationships. Again, that’s not been my experience.

I don’t see the Big Book or any other 12-Step resource as coming close to providing the relationship guidance so many are thirsting for. "We don't want to be the arbiter over anyone's sexual conduct" that "We want to stay out of this controversy." It’s apparent to me, and I’m not sure if it is apparent to you, that those in recovery must seek resources outside of the 12-Step program. You say that in AA you are going to find everyone from one extreme to the other regarding their opinions about sex, that every one of us needs an overhaul in that department. But how is this overhaul accomplished?

It doesn’t appear to me that those “dying from the disease of alcoholism (or other addictions???)” and are pursuing the 12 Step way of finding a relationship with God"...with all the desperation of a drowning man," will have little interest or ability to starting a new romantic relationship actually plays out in reality. It’s not been my experience that “if someone has enough breath left in their lungs to stop off and have an orgy, they simply are not ready for recovery yet.” I don’t know the numbers of people who, like I said, seek relationships either because they don’t see a conflict or risk, or that those relationships “just happened, one thing led to another,” etc. but this happens all of the time. We’re not talking about just staying sober, but rather what it takes to achieve and sustain a quality recovery.

For many like yourself whose recovery is entwined with the 12-step program, the primary focus remains on staying sober and developing a relationship with God or, in other words, a spiritual program. Sure, “If it works, don’t fix it.” Coming from a therapy model, I see such strict reliance on the 12-Steps can be limiting and comes across as somewhat traditional, conservative or out of date, even rigid.

I don’t know whether you have noticed that a polarization between the 12-Step program and therapy has evolved over the past several years, but I have. It appears that the prevailing sentiment among Anonymous purists is to eschew therapy. While there is certainly validity to the fact that there are many therapists working with addicts who haven’t “been there” themselves, who don’t really understand addiction and don’t have the training to assess or treat addiction effectively, the overall effect of this polarization is, in my opinion, value lost. Therapy picks up where the 12-Steps leave off.

Your statement, “…this recovery business is about finding and maintaining a relationship with God – period,” carries with it an adamant and absolute tone– “the 12-Step way or the highway.” While I certainly agree that a spiritual program is a key ingredient of any recovery program, and that recognizing one’s “powerlessness” (Step I) and “unmanageability” (Step II) are especially powerful and necessary first steps, it’s the “period” I have trouble with. You’re opening Pandora’s Box. As you know, “finding and maintaining a relationship with God” is a highly individualized and personal matter. There is a large contingent of recovering people who don’t relate to the “higher power” as stated in the 12-Steps, and therefore stay away. For a variety of reasons, they just can’t get behind it and use it in their lives. It’s too daunting a task to have to define, even discuss what the ‘higher power or God is. Many people are turned off to the idea of surrendering to an external authority as their association to Judeo-Christian religions has already been soured, that is – “been there, done that” and are not going to do it again.

The direction I’m taking is that beyond sobriety and God, there is self and relationships. From my “therapeutic’ perspective, the recovery journey inexorably leads back to oneself, to heightened self-awareness and self-reclamation. Recovery is tantamount to self-actualization. Having a relationship with oneself doesn’t automatically occur when one “finds and maintains a relationship with God.”

In his book, The Science of Mental and Emotional Development, The Precise Path to Becoming Internally Competent, Paul Hatherly details specific challenges that must be overcome and mastered in order to create fulfillment and meaning in one’s life. He explains that in order to develop a “conscious, worthwhile and competent self,” commitment, effort, discipline and training are required. We might assume that training and therapy are interchangeable as being sources of change – that make possible a paradigm shift towards thinking for understanding. Rather than denying or avoiding pain as recovering addicts are so inclined, they can instead acknowledge and learn from their pain, and choose to discuss their feelings.

Developing a strong sense of self is what breaks the cycle of dysfunctional relationships and is also what makes healthy, emotionally nourishing, intimate relationships possible. A classic hallmark feature of a dysfunctional relationship is one that forces a person to be at odds with him or herself. “In order to make you happy (and keep the relationship), I must sacrifice my needs, wants and feelings.” “If I take care of and be true to myself, the relationship is jeopardized.” A healthy relationship is one in which both people are true to themselves, and are able to bring forth their different and separate experiences without jeopardy to the relationship. One’s health and well-being doesn’t depend primarily on the other person or the relationship, but rather on oneself.