Definition: The Relationship Model of Addiction

What is The Relationship Model of Addiction?

The disease model was the greatest thing since sliced bread. In medical terms, addiction is a disease -- a “pathological dependence.” Once they start, they can not stop. It worsens over time. The addict self-destructs, ruins his/her life and the lives of those around him or her. The causes are bio-chemical and genetically based. Sobriety and abstinence are the first steps towards stabilization.

“It’s a disease,” means that anyone can get sick at any time, and when one does, s/he needs understanding and care. Addiction is not anyone’s fault. You’re not a bad person, a loser or a failure. You’re not a criminal or morally decrepit. When you get sick there is nothing to be ashamed of. You need help. And you can get better! The disease model made possible millions to people to seek help. There is no stronger advocate of the disease concept than me.

However, after 50 years or so, its limitations have become quite pronounced.

The Relationship Model of Addiction picks up where the disease model leaves off and establishes a new standard for understanding addiction. It’s based on several principles.

“Pathological dependence” implies a relationship.

The relationship is with a source of relief, i.e. mind/mood altering substances, activities or other relationships that serve to provide relief from emotional pain.

Pain from unmet emotional needs from past and current relationships is the driving force behind the addiction: the need to relieve pain.

The need to relieve pain is a basic human need, and therefore must be viewed as a primary motivational force. Newton’s Law, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” applies to addiction. While it is impossible to quantify or measure the severity of pain as well as the need for relief, we may surmise that the greater the emotional deprivation, the greater the backlog of pain, the greater the need for relief, and thus, the greater susceptibility to becoming addicted.

Etiology goes back to the preponderance of non-intimate, non-emotionally nourishing, dysfunctional relationships.

A predisposing condition is a backlog of pain (subjective, but nevertheless real.)

The relationship in one in which there is a beginning, progressive emotional and psychological involvement.

It’s the number one relationship in the addict’s life, relegating all others to secondary status.

The relationship is conducted in secret, i.e. a secret love affair.

Self deception, denial and delusion are always operating.

If addiction is based on the need to relieve pent-up pain from unmet needs sourced in one’s relationships, it becomes clear that the ability to create emotionally nourishing relationships is a primary goal in recovery.

The Relationship Model provides a sound theoretical basis for Relational Recovery – the need to for relationship training as a core part of any treatment regimen on order to make possible the transition to sober, intimate and emotionally nourishing relationships.

Why do some people get addicted and not others?

There are those who have addiction running rampant in their families or who have a biochemical predisposition for becoming an addict who do not become dependent. The same goes for a chemical imbalance. We may surmise that becoming addicted involves more than just genetics or biology.

On the same token, we know that the incidence of abuse in one’s family of origin also correlates, but we don’t know exactly why or how significant a role it has. Some people with a history of family of origin abuse may experiment with various mind/mood substances or activities, but don’t become addicted. We might suggest, therefore, the level of pre-existing (emotional and physical) pain at the time of discovery as another way to explain why some people and not others become addicted.

Perhaps the simplest explanation for the phenomenon of addiction is that it is a matter of the right chemistry. It is when the “right” person discovers the affect that a need for more develops. The right person could be anyone whose level of pre-existing emotional pain causes an extraordinarily pleasurable or pain-relieving gratifying experience.

For Who? "No Intimate Relationships during the First Year of Sobriety!"

Dear Mr. Linder,

I was given your article to read regarding, "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety." My partner of 3 1/2 years was given this by his therapist and asked that I read it. During the past 7 months my partner has been told not to make any changes in our relationship. Now he is given this article. My question is this... After sharing this with four different psychologists, (2 that specialize in substance abuse, and 2 that do not, 2 men, 2 women,) all were a little confused. Ours is not a new relationship. And following this would require a major change in our relationship, which his therapist has consistently said not to.

Would it be possible for you to just provide me with some insight (my partner and I have a strong, loving, relationship) as to what a couple is to do in this situation?

Thank you for your time and help with this. I eagerly await your answer.

Daniel's Response....

First off, the recent spat of similar inquiries made me realize that I didn't specify the audience I was addressing by, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery." My alert was directed towards those in early recovery who are single, not currently in a relationship, and whose primary focus and goal is to develop coping skills to live a sober life, learn to handle emotions, and most importantly strengthen the relationship with oneself without the distraction of a sexually intimate relationship. I realize that given you are already in a sexually active 3 1/2 year relationship, one you consider to be strong and loving, you're wondering how such a dictum might apply to your situation. Certainly I don't mean for you and your partner to suddenly become celibate. The point is to clarify the challenges during first year of recovery so that you both can align your priorities and purpose accordingly. The key is for the recovering person to do the necessary self-work, which will pay huge dividends by improving the chances that one creates solid, emotionally and sexually intimate, nourishing and lasting relationships. As you may already know, relationship dysfunction and problems are the most common cause of relapse. Also understand that a basic implication of any addiction is that addiction is a primary relationship (with a source of relief, be it with substances, gambling, porn, or sex), and that this relationship is overpowering and supersedes all other relationships. Until recovery, all other relationships may compete with the addiction, only to lose every time. In other words, you can look forward to developing a new and qualitatively different relationship with your partner, which will continue to improve over time. However, rule of thumb is that it takes a year or so of steady adherence to a program that enables the recovering addict to transition from dependence on a source of relief to reliance on oneself, and one in which the recovering person develops much needed relationship building skills. The quality of any relationship depends largely on the quality of the relationship the two people have with themselves. Feel free to continue this dialogue with questions or comments.