Emotional Intimacy in the First Year of Recovery.

Your article, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" is not what I wanted to hear. Though it is what I thought I would hear. I'm 4.5 years into recovery and recently went on 2 dates (and have one planned for tomorrow) with a women who is working on 1 month. I am very attracted to the women. I kind of thought I was being selfish when I first made a posting relevant to this a week ago.

Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear, the real question is, "do I have enough integrity to do the right thing?" Further, if I opt to do the right thing, "how do I do it with the least amount of hurt?"

Daniel's Response...

Of course "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety (or recovery)" is not what you want to hear. You're attracted and excited, with a history of impulsivity and as an addict yourself, will always be at risk in the face of attraction and excitement, let alone, great sex. However, this woman is clearly not ready and a sexual involvement would only increase the load of challenges she is already facing. The first year is about developing coping skills to deal with day to day emotions and feelings without having to seek relief through addiction, and to do important self-work; developing resources within oneself; getting herself back, which usually takes at least a year. No doubt a relationship would be a major distraction and the odds are that it would end quickly and badly. As my mother would say, Such a relationship would be "ill-fated, ill-advised and ill-consummated." You could instead shift focus to her need to strongly adhere to this principle and re-direct your (sexual) interest.

As you already stated, what you ultimately do depends on the level of your integrity and quality of your recovery. No worry about hurting her- she might feel supported, cared for and you worthy of her trust. The hard part is not act self-centeredly and not seize this opportunity to indulge yourself.

Taye's Response...

"Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear the real question is do I have enough integrity to do the right thing. Further, if I opt to do the right thing, how do I do it with the least amount of hurt."

With four and a half years of sobriety yourself, you are faced with a deeper challenge...how to experience your feelings and needs when they are painful and the need to relieve the pain feels overwhelming? I don't think there is a pat answer. The best news is that you are in touch --and a good place to begin is to acknowledge yourself for being this far into the process; where you realize you have a choice. You can deepen your relationship with yourself by being vulnerable in this new relationship; expressing all there is to express without having to act on the feelings...Emotional intimacy is a good goal to go after. Sometimes is more naked than sex. Sometimes it's even more gratifying.

It's really great that you are talking about this. I applaud you.

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Vistor's Response....

Greetings!

Well this is the way things stand for us. We talked about all the issues raised by you good people and others. While we have not agreed to end the relationship completely, we have agreed to the following; (1) No sex. (2) In addition to other meetings she will attend at least 1 all women's meeting per week, I will continue with my men's group. (3) She will maintain a relationship with a sponsor, female, of course. Other than that, our plan is to take it one day at a time. I know that this is not the ideal. I know intellectually we probably shouldn't see each other at all. But this is what we are both comfortable with.

Daniel's Response...

I can see that you are trying to heed this advice by imposing structure into this developing relationship, apparently to maximize the chances of it working out. However, as you already know, you are defying the odds and are thinking that somehow you'll find a way to make it work and become an exception to the rule. When you say that you "haven't agreed to end the relationship completely," you mean you are continuing in the relationship. Are you saying that you are exploring a platonic relationship or a friendship? "No sex." Is the plan to take this "one day at a time?" (No sex today. What about tomorrow?)

When left to your own devices, that is, instituting and and adhering to those structures, the odds get worse over time. I predict that those structures will eventually be stretched to accommodate sexual activity you both will so desire. The focus will continue to shift gradually but steadily from how the challenges of early recovery are getting dealt with to how the two of you could engage sexually. As you get increasingly emotionally involved, sexual tension and planning will always be looming. Increasing emotional involvement has a way of distorting your perceptions and thinking at the expense of objectivity and healthy self-interest, especially for addicts in early recovery. Losing oneself in a relationship is often an irresistible opportunity given that relief is afforded -- of course it is far more exciting and fun to get involved in a relationship that having to deal with oneself during this painful and difficult adjustment period (during the first year of sobriety).

Nevertheless, there is always the chance that this relationship can work out. Miracles do happen.

When Recovery and Relationships Intersect.

I've been married for 27 years to a man who had his first alcoholic binge beginning at year 8 in our marriage. At year 11, he sobered up and attended AA for 8 months. Then he began to drink 'in control.' At year 25 he had an extramarital affair that he ended reluctantly. At year 27, he began to binge drink, including going to work drunk. He is currently in recovery, going to Individual Counseling and AA. I am having a difficult time figuring out how I fit into this mess. I am hurt by the infidelity, although I know it is often the result of Alcoholism. I do not want to be co-dependent or enabling, or manipulative but I want to support him. I am going to Al-anon, but am not finding it very helpful. You state that an addict shouldn't start any sexual relationships for a year when they begin a sobriety program. What about an existing marriage.... Where do I fit into this mess?

Response from Daniel...

No doubt it would be helpful to understand more about the stages and some implications in terms of how recovery and relationships cross lines.

Let's begin with a longstanding relationship of 27 yrs with an alcoholic you discovered was an alcoholic 8 years into the relationship, whose recovery has been checkered by several relapses and a relationship that had since withstood many of the challenges these stages can pose.

Generally speaking, 11 months max of sobriety during 20 years of "recovery" doesn't bode well for the quality of recovery or to the requisite adherence to some kind of program.

As I understand the process of addiction, the thought of 'controlled use' is unrealistic thinking at best, more likely an illusion or delusion. It is in the realm of possibility, but highly unlikely. Understandably you didn't know this at the time. "Should you have known this, or picked up on it sooner, i.e. that there is a problem or a problem with alcohol?" is worth exploring further. I'm pointing to the principles, "Wherever there is an alcoholic, there is a co-dependent. Co-dependency is an addiction in itself own right, therefore is accompanied by denial and need for treatment or intervention. Co-dependency works against the addict taking responsibility for one's own problems. In other words, you're in this together, and were all along.

I wouldn't put to much stock in the extra-marital affair given that you've been with someone highly impulsive and considerably unstable from the beginning. An affair is tantamount to relapse and par for the course in terms of its progression. Certainly an impulsive person is at risk of becoming more impulsive, higher the stakes and severity of natural consequences. Going to work drunk is a classic example.

We may also assume that your relationship needed attention before it reached crisis proportions. It's likely that your relationship was, from the beginning, based on a need take refuge in each other, to somehow take care of each other's unmet emotional needs, when neither individual had ever learned to develop the resources within oneself.

Currently working a program is encouraging. However, his history is one of cracking the thin ice he skates on, which makes crashing and burning (again) is always right around the corner. It follows that being co-dependent and enabling, an addiction recovery requires adherence to a program of self-work. Alanon is one option. Regardless, the quality of your recovery is your responsibility. You need individual therapy to help you to discover yourself, to empower you to change the course of the relationship, where you could learn about how to operate with healthy self-interest in a relationship, and stop hiding in the relationship.

Currently working a program is encouraging. However, his history is one of cracking the thin ice he skates on, which makes crashing and burning (again) is always right around the corner. It follows that being co-dependent and enabling, an addiction recovery requires adherence to a program of self-work. Alanon is one option. Regardless, the quality of your recovery is your responsibility. You need individual therapy to help you to discover yourself, to empower you to change the course of the relationship, where you could learn about how to operate with healthy self-interest in a relationship, and stop hiding in the relationship.

"You state that an addict shouldn't start any sexual relationships for a year when they begin a sobriety program. What about an existing marriage?"

Great question!

The principle, "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety." has slightly different implications than when being single and getting sexually involved during the first year of sobriety. The relationship prognosis is bleak. The point is that sex can become a great distraction during this very precious period. Doing self-work always enhances a relationship. Separating or abstaining from sex for a relatively brief period of time can never hurt either. The point is also to always make sex as a potential distraction or impediment to recovery an issue to be explored and discussed. Remembering too, that a little relationship training can go a long way towards creating change in a relationship. In the end, what we're needing are emotionally nourishing relationships, intimacy and understanding.

Early Stage Intervention (Pre-Marital) Counseling.

I would love some general thoughts about a current relationship.

Here's a little background. I question his stability, his groundedness, and some of his judgments. He is 10 years younger than I (he's 29, I'm 39.) He has lived less than a year in the states from Israel (current illegal status since his visa ran out.) He is extremely loving and devoted to me, wants to have children and get married. But his track record of consistency in working and a general sense of lethargic, passive energy (sleeping in a lot), plus a very rebellious, counter culture way of life scares me. He is starting to work hard but there is an ungroundedness about him. He also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God and only smokes pot a few nights a week. Any advice to help me get clear about the situation?

Thank you!

Response from Daniel

This sounds like a situation, rather a relationship that calls out for some type of pre-marital counseling intervention. Your concerns come across loudly and clearly. The benefits of pre-marital or early stage intervention would be for you both to have more of an opportunity to establish a solid foundation and/or basis for a relationship. Your concerns referring to "an ungroundedness about him...and also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God" too noteworthy-your gut is telling you to explore further to rule out "the tip of the iceberg." It's not the age difference that is a concern. The Israeli citizenship and expired visa issue could be a factor in his motivation to stay in the relationship, in which case, you would want that to be clear sooner than later. His apparent or possible depression, lack of motivation, inconsistent track record are also things that would be in your best interests to explore further. If he is not up for pre-marital counseling, the prognosis for a quality, lasting, intimate relationship worsens.