Setting Clear Boundaries with an Addicted Loved One.
Hello Daniel,
I am so very grateful to have found this site. Are your books available in stores in BC?
My addicted loved one is my spouse of 10 years. He had several years of clean time, but never did follow through with counseling/emotional work, though for about two years he seemed more grounded, and made efforts to deal with his painful past, and begin to look at his own past behavior. He began to use again about two years ago, went into residential treatment for 3 months last Dec. relapsed last March. Since then, there have been short periods of clean time. He has been in/out of counseling. His using and drinking have escalated since July, to where he began to disappear, at first just overnight and now anywhere from 3 to 7 nights. When he last came home, I stayed calm trying to use all that has been of help to me from your site, nar-anon, counseling etc., but after months of this, I just broke down when he showed up to spend Christmas together.
He started on Citalopram in late November to help with his depression, and drinking.
He has been disappeared now for 5 days again. Today I locked the doors of our suite, (with the inside lock for which he does not have a key) and left him a note in a sealed envelope saying that I needed at least an hour notice that he was coming home. I said that I needed this time to process my feelings and respond in a healthy way for myself and him rather than react with tears, hurt or anger.
I also told him that I love him which is what happened during the Holiday Season.
How do I handle this situation in a healthy way for me and in a way that does not disable my partner?
Response from Daniel...
If your spouse is not rigorously working a program ongoing, whether after-care or recovery, he will be destined to relapse, which translates to a steady course of deterioration and relationship-jeopardizing problems, i.e. disappearances, for you. It sounds like he had pursued treatment as he needed to do, but his continued follow-up is suspect.
As far as handling the situation effectively and taking care of yourself, you are doing and saying the necessary things. His last disappearance should tell you that his addiction/relapse as reached dire levels and warrants dire action. Requiring an hour notice is the least you could/should do, but not to stop there. Since you've been "around the block" with him several times already, you may at this point be able to respond without a lot of emotion (tears, hurt, anger), but rather with matter-of-fact clarity. Very simply, he needs to go back into treatment to get himself stabilized, whatever that takes, i.e. a structured treatment program, and when completed, a commitment to and on-going participation in aftercare.
I wouldn't be worrying about disabling him, but more taking the necessary actions to operate in your own best interests. In other words, he has an addiction that is up to him to address, and until he does, he is disabling himself. You already know this, but in case you need to hear this again: you are not the cause of his addiction and there is nothing you could do to control it other than setting a limit...not to partake in the relationship until/unless he enters treatment. In other words, for you to send the message clearly and consistently that he is not welcome to return home and that he can no longer assume that your relationship will continue business as usual until/unless he enters treatment- demonstrates a commitment to recovery and to the relationship. If you do not set clear limits for yourself and in communication with him, chances are, you will be at risk of "going down with the ship."
Daniel
I am so very grateful to have found this site. Are your books available in stores in BC?
My addicted loved one is my spouse of 10 years. He had several years of clean time, but never did follow through with counseling/emotional work, though for about two years he seemed more grounded, and made efforts to deal with his painful past, and begin to look at his own past behavior. He began to use again about two years ago, went into residential treatment for 3 months last Dec. relapsed last March. Since then, there have been short periods of clean time. He has been in/out of counseling. His using and drinking have escalated since July, to where he began to disappear, at first just overnight and now anywhere from 3 to 7 nights. When he last came home, I stayed calm trying to use all that has been of help to me from your site, nar-anon, counseling etc., but after months of this, I just broke down when he showed up to spend Christmas together.
He started on Citalopram in late November to help with his depression, and drinking.
He has been disappeared now for 5 days again. Today I locked the doors of our suite, (with the inside lock for which he does not have a key) and left him a note in a sealed envelope saying that I needed at least an hour notice that he was coming home. I said that I needed this time to process my feelings and respond in a healthy way for myself and him rather than react with tears, hurt or anger.
I also told him that I love him which is what happened during the Holiday Season.
How do I handle this situation in a healthy way for me and in a way that does not disable my partner?
Response from Daniel...
If your spouse is not rigorously working a program ongoing, whether after-care or recovery, he will be destined to relapse, which translates to a steady course of deterioration and relationship-jeopardizing problems, i.e. disappearances, for you. It sounds like he had pursued treatment as he needed to do, but his continued follow-up is suspect.
As far as handling the situation effectively and taking care of yourself, you are doing and saying the necessary things. His last disappearance should tell you that his addiction/relapse as reached dire levels and warrants dire action. Requiring an hour notice is the least you could/should do, but not to stop there. Since you've been "around the block" with him several times already, you may at this point be able to respond without a lot of emotion (tears, hurt, anger), but rather with matter-of-fact clarity. Very simply, he needs to go back into treatment to get himself stabilized, whatever that takes, i.e. a structured treatment program, and when completed, a commitment to and on-going participation in aftercare.
I wouldn't be worrying about disabling him, but more taking the necessary actions to operate in your own best interests. In other words, he has an addiction that is up to him to address, and until he does, he is disabling himself. You already know this, but in case you need to hear this again: you are not the cause of his addiction and there is nothing you could do to control it other than setting a limit...not to partake in the relationship until/unless he enters treatment. In other words, for you to send the message clearly and consistently that he is not welcome to return home and that he can no longer assume that your relationship will continue business as usual until/unless he enters treatment- demonstrates a commitment to recovery and to the relationship. If you do not set clear limits for yourself and in communication with him, chances are, you will be at risk of "going down with the ship."
Daniel
posted by RelationshipVision at 9:27 AM
0 comments
