Struggling with my Partner who is an Addict.

My partner of almost 10 years has been in active addiction for the past 2 years. When we met, I did not know of his addictions and he hid them well. As I became aware of them I wrote him a letter expressing my love for him and also said that I felt that there was no room for me in his life, only his addictions and his pain. After he read that letter he decided to stop using, and he did for about 7 years. He did not enter any kind of recovery program.

Over the years though we have struggled with issues of pornography, infidelity, excessive gambling, and he began more and more to exclude me from social plans. I have responded with reason, detachment, tears, begging, criticizing, rescuing,..... then I got some help from a therapist and Naranon.

I find myself overwhelmed and struggling for direction. My partner is now taking baby steps towards recovery. He says, he has seen a doctor, is seeking help for his "dual diagnosis" but nothing has really changed. I love him, through all the anger and hurt and self focus, I am sure of that, but I feel that an undeveloped part of me keeps me here, with someone who is now rarely around, disappears for 2, 3, 4 days at a time, and then actually convinces me that part of the reason for his behavior is a reaction to me being controlling. I have set personal boundaries with him, and have expressed them lovingly, and have been very respectful.

I don't feel safe to be sexually intimate with him without protection. He sees this as very controlling, and has been verbally venting and humiliating towards me. But then my charming, vulnerable partner appears out of the shadows of the addict personality and I find myself trying to understand, and figure things out, and change my own behavior........

I don't know what to do, I am doing my own version of 12 steps, etc. but I am truly lost, and overwhelmed.

Response from Daniel...

What you're finding is that intimacy and sustaining an intimate relationship is nearly impossible with anyone in the throes of an addiction. In your relationship, it's several addictions. As long a he is not in recovery, and committed to recovery, you will be in competition with his various other relationships, i.e. with substances, porn, sex, gambling, which are stronger than the one the two of you have. As it may be hard for you to comprehend, your relationship with him pales in comparison with those aforementioned. If he's got mental health issues as well, i.e. dual diagnosis, those need to be treated effectively since they can wreck havoc on a relationship as well.

Please say more about your own version of the 12-steps? It sounds like your program is working to keep your level of stress and pain down, but at the same time keeps you in a dysfunctional relation that has not really stabilized, or got going in a healthier direction and doesn't appear to be doing so any time soon; except for those short lived moments when you see his charm and vulnerability.

You seem to have found some direction with a therapist and Naranon some time ago, but presumably stopped, only to find yourself overwhelmed once again. You might need to seek out those resources again in order to better understand what you are dealing with, how to take better care of yourself, and get the support to take the appropriate action. You yourself have said that taking baby steps toward recovery isn't going to bring about the changes necessary in your relationship. You know that, yet you are willing to stay on board of a sinking ship. You may also find my books useful. In Demystifying Addiction, I present a new perspective on addiction: The Relational Model of Addiction. In Relational Recovery, I shed light on basic principles, pitfalls, distinctions and skills that empower the transformation of relationships.

Feeling Unworthy and Intimacy

In the past, I was trained to "know my place" and to see myself as inferior. Because of this, I have trouble making friends, the pressure to be worthy of someone's friendship is prohibitive. How do I move past this?

Daniel's Response...

A deep sense of unworthiness understandably is a huge stumbling block to achieving intimacy or participating in the process of creating intimacy or friendship. Self-consciousness and pressure to feel worthy, when you believe, and were taught that you’re not, squashes spontaneity. When there is emotional baggage from your upbringing, it is not possible to enter into a fresh, new encounter with a “clean slate.” The burden of shame you carry will weigh you down. You’ll never be able to be yourself, operating in life as if from a prison cell.

One of the ways you could get through the effects of your past, i.e., your inferiority complex, is to begin to learn and apply some basic principles in your everyday encounters with other people. Opportunities will, no doubt, present themselves. Despite the challenges you’ll inevitably face, you could still get yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared in such a way that you’ll be able to walk away from the encounter feeling better about yourself regardless of the outcome, regardless of whether it turned out the way you had hoped. “Knowing your place” is a conditioned internalized belief that can be undone by a clear sense of purpose. Read my book, Relational Recovery Empowering the Transformation of Relationships.

You are right though, that the application of principles in the real world is limited to the extent that that deep festering wound has healed, or, at least is being addressed in therapy. Ultimately you must embrace that part of yourself that is above, or can get above your conditioning, internalized shame or training (as you put it); that knows from within the truth, and begin to act in a way that is in keeping with that truth. You are really not much different that anyone else needing love and searching for a deeper connection that continues to elude them. I won’t venture a guess as to how many of you there are.