In Love with a Gambler - What Should I do?

I've been in a relationship for almost two and a half years. In the beginning I was riding such an emotional high that lasted for quite some time. My boyfriend and I were quite happy. That is, until I started noticing that I was starting to become 2nd (if not 3rd) priority in his life. I still kept believing in the relationship and accepting the relationship for what it was.

I started to acknowledge that my boyfriend had a gambling problem. He started going into debt, and I helped him because I loved him, and he promised me that he would clean up his act. For a few months after I helped him clean up his debts, he refrained from gambling (lottery tickets - sports gambling), but as of the last few months, he has started gambling intensely all over again --despite my wishes for him to stop, or at least back off from it.

I've noticed lately, that when we argue, he SCREAMS at me. He puts me 3rd in his life. Work, gambling, ME. He hasn't really offered to come visit my family as of recently and my family is starting to resent him. Worst of all, *I* am starting to resent him, because he made so many promises of a fulfilling relationship, in which I now feel I was so naive to believe. I am at the point now, where I am at an all time LOW. I constantly worry, I constantly feel like the relationship is going nowhere, that he has no goals for us. The worst part is, HE KNOWS and is WELL AWARE that this bothers me, and has made no effort for the sake of our relationship to improve his side of things. His only cure for our fights is telling me "I LOVE YOU". I think if I didn't help him with his debts, he'd simply say, "SEE YA!" However, actions speak louder than words. I have no doubt that I LOVE HIM, but I have fallen "out of love" for him. I can't seem to escape this fact, and fall "back into love" with him. It's the most horrible feeling in the world for me to face. If I keep talking to him about it, he will get frustrated, and perhaps another argument may arise.

How does one get through this? Try to fix it? Leaving is easier said than done. We have no children together. We have built a great history together, until recently. What should I do??? How can I talk to him?? I am fully ready to talk to him, but all I can seem to do is have the conversation "inside my head" of everything I want to say, but when it comes to saying it to his face, I cave in. Any suggestions? ) ;

Response from Daniel....

This relationship can become a turning point in your life. There are so many lessons to be learned. Beginning with realizing that you've gotten involved with an addict (compulsive gambler) who is actively using, is in denial, not in recovery, never in treatment, and whose world has not completely caved in yet.

The next step is to get educated about addiction in general and guidelines for handling a loved one in the throes of an addiction. For example, you had indicated a perception, belief or assumption that you had gone from being number 1 to number 3 (Work, gambling, ME). Being a recovering compulsive gambler myself (sports gambling), I know all too well what happens when I am gambling. I know what it feels like to be in a destructive relationship I can not stop or pull out of. He can not stop no matter how many promises he makes to you, regardless of how sincere he sounds. It's not going to happen. It would behoove you to refrain from paying or helping him with any gambling related debts, ever, under any circumstances. That would be co-dependent for you to do that by rescuing him from the consequences that could eventually lead him to realize that he needs help and seek it. If he were to leave because you were no longer going to support his self-destruction, you would have nothing to lose, as you've probably assumed more of a relationship and future potential than there actually is. The compulsive gambler is carrying on a secret love affair, and relies on deception and self-deception to maintain this relationship. This relationship is all-consuming, the number 1 relationship in his life. All other relationships are secondary and revolve around this one. In the beginning of the relationship, before his gambling problem came to light, you saw yourself as being number 1 in his life, but more likely, it only appeared that way. Know that until he seeks treatment, i.e. goes to a Gambler's Anonymous meeting, he will be heading towards ruination and if you stay as involved as you are, you will be going down with the ship. He has a problem (an addiction), needs treatment, and for all intents and purposes, your relationship will be on hold or continue to deteriorate until he gets into treaSometimesomtimes, love isn't enough. Even though you may "love this man," albeit no longer "in love," if that person fail to act responsibly, the relationship may not work for you or be healthy for you to be closely and intimately involved. Trust can either never be achieved or be broken (permanently) when the person you love is acting self-destructively.

The lesson here is learning to operate in your own self-interest, exercise healthy self-care in a relationship by putting yourself before the relationship. Falling back "in love" sounds like a trap for you, a rationalization that feeds your own dependency needs and fears. More individual therapy is needed to address and resolve the extent to which your unconscious, unmet emotional needs are driving your behavior.

Thanks for your openness and using the RelationshipVision blog in the way intended -- for others as well as yourself -- as a source of self and relationship empowerment.

Daniel