Love / Being in Love / Shared Intimacy

I'm in an off and on relationship of 3 years and we have broken up a few times and I always take him back. He says he loves me but isn't in love. I can't get over him because he won't quit calling. I love him, but I know he has to want the relationship too. He tells me he has to work on himself and come to me correct because he doesn't want to hurt me again. Your site helped me to clear the confusion of love vs. being in love. Love is what is real... Love is what being in love turns into in a relationship when you have been through a lot, and shared intimacy... I don't know if there is any hope for my relationship. I know he loves me, but he is 36 and never been married. Should I just let go?

Response from Daniel 11/12/06…

Usually when you say or the person you're with says s/he is not in love with you, s/he implies that there is something wrong with the person or the relationship, but that is most likely not the case. Many people treat being in love as a standard for a relationship that is going to work; be intimate and endure. However, it's when one or both people no longer feel the accompanying blind excitement, that they discover whether or not their relationship is viable. In terms of your situation, "Should I let go?" is a very black or white question when the answer is neither. Is seeking couples therapy an option? You'll have a better sense of the answer if you had an opportunity to sit down together and have a trained couples therapist facilitate a dialogue in which both of you can discuss the status of your relationship, where you see it going, where you want to see it going. If couples therapy is not an option, it sounds like there isn't much in it for you to continue on the plateau that defines the relationship, one in which you stay involved probably for the wrong (dependency issues) reasons.