I'm Not in Recovery, but My Boyfriend Is. How Does this Work?

HOW DOES A RELATIONSHIP WORK IF I AM NOT IN RECOVERY BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS?

Daniel's Response from the Advice Corner...

There are specific challenges that apply to a relationship in which one person is in recovery and the other is not. At the very least, the person who is not in recovery should be educated about the process of addiction and recovery.

For example, the recovering person's sustained sobriety is a key to the quality, growth and duration of the relationship. If and when the recovering person relapses, the relationship is automatically jeopardized, as restoring sobriety becomes the top priority while the relationship is, for all intents and purposes on hold.

The one who is not recovering also needs to be able to assess the quality of his/her partner's recovery, i.e. level of commitment, on-going participation in a program to assure that recovery is always in the forefront of his/her consciousness.

Understanding the nature of addiction is important as well. Addiction is a relationship with a source of relief, one that is not emotionally nourishing, yet overpowering nevertheless; that is, when active, developing and maintaining other intimate relationships are virtually impossible. On the same token, having a sufficient amount of sobriety is another consideration before entering into a relationship with a recovering person. There are good reasons for the standard guideline: "No intimate relationships until a year of sustained sobriety is achieved." If you get involved with a recovering person during the first year of recovery, chances are much greater that addictive tendencies will eventually doom the relationship. Certainly you don't want your relationship to serve as a safety valve, escape or a relief from the pain and challenges of sobriety.

Feeling Betrayed Having Been Lied To.

I broke up with my girlfriend six months ago. She betrayed and lied to me. I cant seem to get her out of my mind. We have a mutual friend and our paths do cross occasionally. I am very angry with her because I put everything in this relationship and even quit having sex with her because she was having (so she said) problems with her conscience because she claims to be a Christian. Yet, now she has started a new relationship and is already sexually active. I was doing good until I found out this. And now it seems I am starting from square one. I am very hurt and stupid for ever believing her. We were together for one and a half years. I know I should be over this, but I can't believe I trusted someone like this and can't get the embarrassment out of my mind.

Response from Daniel...

Betrayal and lying never bodes well for a relationship given that trust is an essential, non-negotiable ingredient of every healthy, intimate relationship.Meet your embarrassment, sense of being the fool, disappointment with yourself with humility and self-acceptance as healthy self-interest in a relationship does not come naturally for most people. Taking care of yourself and discovering your limits; that is, what you are willing and not willing to accept in a relationship, are areas for you to work on in therapy.Usually the causes for the kinds of struggles you described have to do with the lack of experience in healthy relationships and role models, and the lack of understanding of the creative process of intimacy. Relationship training -- learning some basic principles and pitfalls and communication skills always has the potential to empower you beyond your history.There are valuable lessons to be learned so no matter what the outcome, the one and a half years you have into this relationship is, by no means, a total loss. Look forward to not making the same mistakes and to having better relationship experiences in the future.