At 62, I'm the "Other" Woman and Miserable.

I ran a Google search on the internet and found your articles. Do you provide private counseling or do you have articles that I might read?

I am a 62 year-old widow in a relationship with an old boyfriend. I am the "other woman"in his life while he is in a "committed" relationship with a woman. Our 4 year relationship is sexual and I am miserable. I feel that I am addicted and I have tried to get out of it, but I keep bouncing back. He, on the other hand, is perfectly content.

I am at the point that I need counseling.

Response from Daniel...

Thank you for your question. Usually affairs are doomed relationships, especially for the person in the secondary position. They come under the category of addictive relationships, that is, they serve primarily as a source of relief, that provides what is missing in one's life or fills a void, as opposed to one who is seeking intimacy or an ever-deepening relationship. If your lover had a better "committed" relationship, there would be less of a need for him to carry on with you, unless he has a history of dysfunctional relationships, ones based on deception and this is all he knows, which is totally possible. On the same token, if you had a better relationship (with yourself or with someone else), there would likely be far less incentive for you to continue carrying on the relationship. What is in it for you, other than some temporary relief from pain related to unconscious, unmet emotional needs? You seem to be aware that there is no emotional nourishment coming your way in this relationship. As long as you continue this, you'll end up worse than you were before. Ending it could mean cutting your losses, but as you so stated, you're unable to do so. If you check back at my http://www.relationshipvision.com/articles.html web-site, you will see an article, Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire, which you should find applicable to your situation. It will give you a better understanding of the psychological dynamics operating when there is an affair. In my Relational Recovery, Empowering the Transformation of Relationships book, I further discuss a variety of related issues, i.e. distinguishing fantasy from reality, feeling from acting, attraction and sex from intimacy, as well as basic principles for building healthy intimate relationships that would be of value to you as well. You might consider Relational Recovery to purchase.
http://www.relationshipvision.com/books.html#relational

Recommended also is some brief, but in depth individual counseling to get a better handle on this relationship, navigate the terrain of relationships in general, learn more about the dynamics of addiction, and what acting in one's own best interests would look like. I am available for counseling on the phone or face to face. If you're ready to move in that direction, you may call (415) 456-0802 or write via e-mail. Please indicate the part of the country where you reside.

Thank you for your visit. Please come back anytime.

Daniel

What Do I Want In A Relationship?

Question from Advice Corner: 9/18/06

I am in a pickle and would appreciate your intelligent "lateral" thinking advice. I am 39 years old and have been seeing a guy who is 28. We have known each other for one year and I must add that the relationship has been on and off. I have ended it about 3/4 times because I get really scared mainly because he has stated quite clearly that if I was 10 years younger he would take the relationship more seriously. He says we get on really well. He says I should not expect anything more than what he is offering me. I appreciate his honesty. It's the same old story... Every time I break it off, he chases me again and we end up right back to square one. I'm sure you've heard this one many times? I sometimes wonder if I really, really walked out that maybe he would realize that age isn't really an issue. He has stated that he loves the sex and the friendship and that it is in my hands. I know he hasn't been seeing anyone else. He finds that too exhausting to date more than one woman. He has also mentioned that he doesn't find them as attractive as me. He's not a macho kind of guy.

My dilemma is probably tied to deeper questions I have at the moment.....such as...

1. Do I want to have kids? The answer is I am not desperate. If it happens OK, if not also OK.

2. So then I ask myself, "What is my purpose in life?" The answer is that I am still trying to find financial stability..I never planned to marry someone for money. But maybe I should?

3. Do I want to get married? The answer is the same as the above.

4. Why don't I like older men? The answer is I am attracted to younger men.

My questions are:

1. Should I try to change this?

2. Should I become more sensible?

3. This younger guy I am seeing says I should be thinking of having kids and finding someone older. But why don't I feel like that? I know older men who are really interested in me. But I'm not really giving them a chance. Yet know that love can grow and that you can learn to love anyone!

I must finally add that I am not this "strong, independent" career woman. I am a little too soft and probably not that ambitious either. I just studied late and am still trying to make things work. To be even more honest, Daniel, I am sometimes really worried about my future. What happens to people like me? What happens when I no longer look good and I'm still not making enough money to get my "botox" injections...etc? No, seriously!!! I rather like (love) this boy and it is obvious to me that he is very fond of me too. It's getting stupid to break up with him all the time only to get back together again. It feels like a huge risk, but at the same time, I never did like things to be easy in the relationship department.

What do you think? Thank you for reading this.

Jules in Germany

Response from Daniel...

Hi Jules,

It sounds like there is a high level of attraction, excitement and intensity, that you both want to be together (most of the time), but when the age difference is brought up, doubt gets cast on the future and viability of the relationship. I'm not getting what you are ultimately after in a relationship at this point in your life.

He's giving you mixed messages regarding his commitment and future plans, i.e., if you were 10 years younger, he would take the relationship more seriously and that you should not expect anything more than what he is offering. This sounds like the sex is great, and it's too much fun right now to consider breaking it off. From his perspective, there is no point breaking it off when some aspects are so wonderful.

You alluded to being ambivalent about having children, marriage, etc., but you didn't indicate that these issues were discussed, or were issues between you. I don't see an issue being attracted to younger men, but when you do this, you're running the risk of having your age differences become a "button pusher," your insecurities come roaring to the surface, the status of the relationship is questioned -- How much does he really love me, if at all? While you may connect in some very important ways, there may be other ways in which you're at different stages wanting different things.

I don't know that age per se is a problem, but it may be in this particular case it may be given that he had attached conditions...if your were 10 yrs. younger it would be different. Sounds somewhat like a cop out -- a message is being sent from the limits he imposes. Given that you alluded to having insecurities re: getting older, losing your attractiveness, desirability, appeal, etc., an unconscious need to be wanted and made to feel sexy and desired may be driving you in this relationship. If that is the case, I doubt that the relationship has a solid foundation. You might find my book, Relational Recovery, Empowering the Transformation of Relationships quite helpful to in enabling you to answer some your questions yourself.

Recommending therapy to explore further, Is this what you want?

Thank you for your visit.

Daniel