Is a GOOD MAN enough? Hard Lessons Learned.
Comment from Advice Corner...
I met my now husband through a friend. I had been through a horrible relationship a year prior which resulted with a child. I was not looking to be in a relationship at all. Tom (I will call him,) was a family friend of my friend. I was at her house when he asked me out. He was not "my type," but he was very nice and polite. The dates were dry --no sparks at all. I was not attracted to him at all but his heart was beautiful. He took to my child like a natural father. My parents thought he was a GOOD MAN. My friends said, "He loves you so much!" Then he popped the question.
I reminded myself of all the old sayings, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder --It's what's in the heart that counts," etc... I thought about the women around me that would love to have a man like Tom. I guess I felt somewhat lucky to have him. I cared about him a great deal but I was not in love. I married Tom and I knew I was in trouble when we had sex. He was absolutely horrible in performance and statue. He is not romantic at all. Either there was a lack of experience or self-esteem or both. I dealt with this problem. Again I talked myself through this, but in time other problems were added. Tom was on cloud nine. He couldn't be happier. I was miserable. Later in the marriage I found that Tom was not handy around the house at all. Things would stay broken until I fixed them. The cars were not maintained, the house was not and I was not. To make things worse I made quite a lot more money than he did. What I could not understand is why he did not learn how to fix things especially if he/we could not afford to pay someone. Tom was content with his life and the house. He never wanted to talk about the problems or acknowledge that there were any problems.
They say opposites attract. Well everything I wanted out of life he did not have plans for. I wanted a nice house, a good savings account, and to later start a business or buy investment property. Tom was content in an apartment with $100 in the account. I called and cried out to an older relative of mine. I told her how unhappy I was and that I was not in love with him. She told me to stop whining and that I would learn to love him. My friends critiqued me for being somewhat of a snob. They asked me questions like.. "Does he hit you?" NO. "Does he cheat on you?" NO. "Does he drink, smoke or do drugs?" NO. "Does he stay out all night long?" NO. "Does he bring his check home?" YES. "Does he cook, clean and take care of the kids?" YES. Then they dismissed me as a spoiled brat. He is Mr. Right in their eyes has been over 10 years now and I have lost my sanity. He has promised to change and get help but I know he is who he is. I had the signs all along.
My gut feeling was not to get involved with Tom but I did and I am suffering as a result. If I can leave you --the reader, with a bit of advice, it is to acknowledge your instincts. Do not ignore all the signs or you will be damned. There is to me no perfect couple. Having a good heart or being nice is not enough. As a matter of fact I learned later in life not to follow just your heart. Use your brain and be real and true to yourself. Check the status on a person's relationship before you take their advice. They may be in worse trouble than you are. What my relative should have told me then was to leave. It was only a year or two into the marriage then. She has been married for 50+ years and they have slept in separate rooms for 40 years. For she and I it was over before it started but I am getting out.
Daniel's Response...
You have alerted relationship seekers far and wide of hard lessons learned.
Have a vision of the kind of relationship you want.
Be aware of your ultimate purpose upon entering into any encounter.
Self-awareness is a pre-requisite for healthy self-interest.
Rapport precedes intimacy.
An intimate relationship consists of: Respect, Trust, Acceptance and Deep Understanding.
From your history, we might conclude that you weren't operating with a vision or purpose prior to meeting Tom, and nor upon entering into the initial encounter.
You were left with a child, with the burden of responsibility for its care. Tom was your second mistake, evidently you hadn’t learned from the first. Even though you indicated that you were “not looking for a man at all,” it appears that you were desperate to fill the void of father figure for your child, which you obviously weren’t aware of at the time.
Rather than having a vision and purpose to fall back on, you relied on what other people told you regarding what you should be looking for and criteria to base your decision. “My parents thought he was a good man.” Your friends said, “He loves you so much.” Not being self-aware prevented your from being able to operate in you own best interest.
Having relied on what others have told you all of your life, there were beliefs – misconceptions -- already firmly entrenched. Your decision to proceed towards marriage was based on, “It’s what is in the heart that counts.” The caveat is that ‘it’s not all that counts.’ You may have felt that he loved you, given that is what you were was told by others, yet you were clear that you weren't in love, and probably doubted whether you loved him at all.
You hadn't learned to pay attention to your intuition. You probably had no idea what rapport is. If you had, you might have given more credence to your lack of interest going into the relationship. If you had known that the qualities of respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding define an intimate, emotionally nourishing relationship; you might have considered the fact that you really didn’t respect, trust, accept or understand him very well.
The good news is that it didn't take longer than 10 years to realize that the relationship was over before it started, and that you know you need to get out, and hopefully will. You learned to acknowledge your instincts; that is to follow your heart -- use your brain -- and be real and true to yourself.
I met my now husband through a friend. I had been through a horrible relationship a year prior which resulted with a child. I was not looking to be in a relationship at all. Tom (I will call him,) was a family friend of my friend. I was at her house when he asked me out. He was not "my type," but he was very nice and polite. The dates were dry --no sparks at all. I was not attracted to him at all but his heart was beautiful. He took to my child like a natural father. My parents thought he was a GOOD MAN. My friends said, "He loves you so much!" Then he popped the question.
I reminded myself of all the old sayings, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder --It's what's in the heart that counts," etc... I thought about the women around me that would love to have a man like Tom. I guess I felt somewhat lucky to have him. I cared about him a great deal but I was not in love. I married Tom and I knew I was in trouble when we had sex. He was absolutely horrible in performance and statue. He is not romantic at all. Either there was a lack of experience or self-esteem or both. I dealt with this problem. Again I talked myself through this, but in time other problems were added. Tom was on cloud nine. He couldn't be happier. I was miserable. Later in the marriage I found that Tom was not handy around the house at all. Things would stay broken until I fixed them. The cars were not maintained, the house was not and I was not. To make things worse I made quite a lot more money than he did. What I could not understand is why he did not learn how to fix things especially if he/we could not afford to pay someone. Tom was content with his life and the house. He never wanted to talk about the problems or acknowledge that there were any problems.
They say opposites attract. Well everything I wanted out of life he did not have plans for. I wanted a nice house, a good savings account, and to later start a business or buy investment property. Tom was content in an apartment with $100 in the account. I called and cried out to an older relative of mine. I told her how unhappy I was and that I was not in love with him. She told me to stop whining and that I would learn to love him. My friends critiqued me for being somewhat of a snob. They asked me questions like.. "Does he hit you?" NO. "Does he cheat on you?" NO. "Does he drink, smoke or do drugs?" NO. "Does he stay out all night long?" NO. "Does he bring his check home?" YES. "Does he cook, clean and take care of the kids?" YES. Then they dismissed me as a spoiled brat. He is Mr. Right in their eyes has been over 10 years now and I have lost my sanity. He has promised to change and get help but I know he is who he is. I had the signs all along.
My gut feeling was not to get involved with Tom but I did and I am suffering as a result. If I can leave you --the reader, with a bit of advice, it is to acknowledge your instincts. Do not ignore all the signs or you will be damned. There is to me no perfect couple. Having a good heart or being nice is not enough. As a matter of fact I learned later in life not to follow just your heart. Use your brain and be real and true to yourself. Check the status on a person's relationship before you take their advice. They may be in worse trouble than you are. What my relative should have told me then was to leave. It was only a year or two into the marriage then. She has been married for 50+ years and they have slept in separate rooms for 40 years. For she and I it was over before it started but I am getting out.
Daniel's Response...
You have alerted relationship seekers far and wide of hard lessons learned.
Have a vision of the kind of relationship you want.
Be aware of your ultimate purpose upon entering into any encounter.
Self-awareness is a pre-requisite for healthy self-interest.
Rapport precedes intimacy.
An intimate relationship consists of: Respect, Trust, Acceptance and Deep Understanding.
From your history, we might conclude that you weren't operating with a vision or purpose prior to meeting Tom, and nor upon entering into the initial encounter.
You were left with a child, with the burden of responsibility for its care. Tom was your second mistake, evidently you hadn’t learned from the first. Even though you indicated that you were “not looking for a man at all,” it appears that you were desperate to fill the void of father figure for your child, which you obviously weren’t aware of at the time.
Rather than having a vision and purpose to fall back on, you relied on what other people told you regarding what you should be looking for and criteria to base your decision. “My parents thought he was a good man.” Your friends said, “He loves you so much.” Not being self-aware prevented your from being able to operate in you own best interest.
Having relied on what others have told you all of your life, there were beliefs – misconceptions -- already firmly entrenched. Your decision to proceed towards marriage was based on, “It’s what is in the heart that counts.” The caveat is that ‘it’s not all that counts.’ You may have felt that he loved you, given that is what you were was told by others, yet you were clear that you weren't in love, and probably doubted whether you loved him at all.
You hadn't learned to pay attention to your intuition. You probably had no idea what rapport is. If you had, you might have given more credence to your lack of interest going into the relationship. If you had known that the qualities of respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding define an intimate, emotionally nourishing relationship; you might have considered the fact that you really didn’t respect, trust, accept or understand him very well.
The good news is that it didn't take longer than 10 years to realize that the relationship was over before it started, and that you know you need to get out, and hopefully will. You learned to acknowledge your instincts; that is to follow your heart -- use your brain -- and be real and true to yourself.
posted by RelationshipVision at 10:28 AM
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