Should I Pursue this Relationship?

Question from Advice Corner...

I have met a guy who is 4 years younger than myself. We met through a work situation and got on well over the phone. Eventually he made contact and was flirting. He has just got divorced, his dad died last week with cancer and he was hi-jacked on Saturday night. He has a lot to deal with. We have been chatting through sms's and email and he came through the other day to see me again. He keeps making dates then not even canceling them just not going through with them. He said I am lovely and really wants to go out with me. I have perhaps talked too much through smsing him too much and emailing him too much. His car was badly damaged and is in for repairs. We were supposed to meet on Monday and he had not even told me about the hi-jack. I really like him and don't want to chase him away but what is happening. He is not answering any emails nor any sms's at the moment. Please tell me if it's over or not and if he is just really not interested in me. There is someone else who is wanting to visit but I cant give him a chance until I know.

Response from Daniel...

Thank you for visiting our Advice Corner.

What is it you would like to know? What indications are you
receiving from this person that is causing you concern? Is he
a co-worker?

Visitor Response...

I live in South Africa to just put you in the picture. No he is not a coworker. I met him through him selling something to our office. I know he has so much on his plate and can't start anything new at the moment, but he keeps trying to and then he cancels. But the worst is he doesn't tell me he is canceling, things happen and they just fall apart. I sometimes even have to ask what is going on. I have made up my mind and last night asked him to leave me alone. I haven't heard anything.
I am worried there is more to him than he lets on. He sms's me in the middle of the night and at certain times he is totally unavailable. I don't know him well enough to know the reasons why he is with his mom after his dad died 3 weeks ago. I am just tired and needed to know where he was coming from and why he would pursue me and then leave so suddenly.

Response from Daniel...

I'm not sure what criteria you are relying upon to decide whether he is someone worth pursuing at this point. Some of the catch phrases you've use, i.e. "can't start anything new," "sms in the middle of the night, then totally unavailable." I'm not getting why you need to know where he is coming from, why he's pursuing you; how he behaves so inexpiquably unavailable and abrupt. Some things you may be better off not knowing especially if you have to further involve yourself to find out.

Can't Seem to Get Out of this Relationship.

Comment from the Advice Corner..

I just can't seem to get out of this. I know with my head/brain what should be done, but as he is incapable of having the intimate relationship that I want and need, I am incapable of getting out of the misery that have got myself into.

Daniel's Response...

Certainly you are capable. Are you properly motivated is a question to consider. Is what you say you want really what you want?

You are watching yourself settle and are unable to act on your own behalf, with healthy self-interest, in a way consistent with the pursual of intimacy. This is a therapy issue. Your self-governing system could use some scrutiny. Being empowered means having a vision, operating with healthy self/interest, and creating self-affirming interactions during the course of the relationship, ones that deepen intimacy.

Look at if the seeds you are planting is relation to what is it that you want to see growing.

Right now staying in a miserable situation appears more compelling than getting out.

"Being incapable of having the intimate relationship that you want and need" may afford you the excuse you need to escape having to deal with the risks intimacy poses. Vulnerability comes with the territory. Decision-making also comes with the territory. Realizing you are alone and all you have is yourself.

Are you in therapy?

Is it Possible to Build a Stable Relationship from one that Starts out Sexually Based?

The question you're raising is more about how a relationship begins. You are building a foundation. What is the primary material you need for a solid foundation, one that leads to stability? (By stability, I'm assuming you would include emotional fulfillment and nourishment.) Let's contrast the differences between a sexually based relationship and one that is truly intimate. "Sexually- based" -- what comes to mind is it's hot, intense, exciting, primitive desire, peaking together in orgasm's bliss; they may even be in love... Sounds pretty good. However one obvious cause for concern is, how long will it stay that way? Where does it go from there...When they can't depend on sex to come together. What will they have to keep them together?

In contrast to a foundation whose first bricks is a rapport, and from that rapport, an intimate-based relationship is built, one in which intimacy is established and sustained. Whenever there is a problem, they talk it through.

That being said, getting back to your question, when it comes to relationships, which are "joint-effort" creations; they're an art form. Anything is possible! What you are going to want to do is for the two of you to agree to shift the focus to your ability to communicate and be intimate. That way, you'll be able to solidify what would otherwise be a flimsy foundation.

And then, if sexual chemistry and satisfaction are added into the mix. There is untold potential. Sex, if it were mediocre to begin could suddenly become exciting and intense.

Would you prefer a sexually-based relationship? Or, one in which intimacy is established first?

After answering this question, look to seize relationship opportunities, act in a way that is consistent with your answer, assess the situation.