My Boyfriend Doesn't Want a Relationship. I'm Hurt.

Question from the Advise Corner

Several weeks ago, my boyfriend of 8 months told me he didn't want a relationship. My sponsor says my pride and ego are hurt as I've always been the dumper not the dumpee! These are brand new feelings. How do I get out from under this resentment? I am spiritually out of balance because hurt people hurt people and I'm not trying to be vindictive today.

Daniel response

Now that you are on a path of recovery, you may choose to view this situation as an opportunity to look to the deeper truth within yourself and grow from it. The dumper and dumpee perspective may be indicative of your pre-recovery reaction pattern. The question to ask yourself at this juncture is, "does this relationship work right now? Would you want your boyfriend to continue in the relationship with you another 8 months with the liklihood that his ambivilence would only continue and the relationship further diteriorate? Have you learned in recovery that relationships work best and the best chances to last and deepen when both people are in the relationship by choice?"

The hurt that you're feeling right now, while legitimate, because apparently your feelings were not mutual, might turn to a sense of relief. Learning to operate with healthy self interest will enable you to turn this into a self-affirming and empowering experience.

You might be in the process of re-evaluating your priorities. What's most important to you right now, your ego or your purpose, which is to create healthy lasting emotionally nourishing relationships.

Thank you for your visit.

An Anecdotal Story from a Recovering Co-Dependent.

Billy's Sister

by Taye B. Corby

“You cut me off like you cut off mommy when she died.” Only four days back from a drug relapse, my brother Billy's statement would have charged me up for a week. This time I understood how entwined I was with him.

I didn’t feel the electrical surge in my stomach when my guardians were doing their jobs perfectly. They had blocked the seduction to get into a long drawn out saga with him. I no longer felt compelled to lash out or try to explain my fit of exasperation because they hollowed the space in my heart where my brother had inhabited.

Who was Billy anyway? At 4 years old he was looking for a better deal. “Is that all I get, one quarter!?” he asked the woman who tipped him for delivering her lunch to her.

Was Billy a survivor because his life was riddled with shame? He came from a broken home and spent many nights wandering in the streets when he hit puberty. Perhaps he was fulfilling his father’s, our father, (Joe's) perception, “You can’t get close to that kid.” His mother, our mother, (Emma) was a compulsive gambler, always complaining about not having enough money for things like heat or toilet paper, while Billy was left stuck with her. Joe, a factory worker, provided child support every week after their divorce, while he lived elsewhere in his new apartment with his new wife.

Billy is probably still reeling from the bind he was in -- wanting to be with Joe meant being disloyal to Emma, who he was ashamed of.

Was he a survivor because he used his personality to survive? He was such a fun-loving, spontaneous and charming kid. I remember when he stole food from the local supermarket, the manager ended up lending him money and giving him a bag of groceries. At the time, my only thought was, “Thank God I was there.”

Perhaps asking who Billy was is not the question I need to be asking, but rather, “Who am I?”

The entire 54 years of my life was encapsulated in flashes of time. “Could it be that I was just a transmitter who sucked energy from my brother, in order to compensate for my own hunger?” Being as involved as I was with him certainly took the attention off of me. There was a seductive quality to feeling needed. I felt better because I was helping him.

The thought of me sucking energy from my brother was intolerable. My mind raced. “How could I have been consuming his energy?” As the oldest sibling I embraced the responsibility of protecting my brother. But maybe what I really agreed to was, “I’d be there for you as long as I get something back.”

Now it is clear. There was never enough energy for him or for me. His obsession with drugs, alcohol, food, porn and gambling fueled our joint insatiable appetites. How could I have been depending on his energy when he was running on empty? It seems that at the time just the sight of him could have kept me going for weeks. I was always sniffing around for a fix under the guise of wanting to provide for him in some way. I was an energy sieve.

Suddenly I was flooded with memories related to having red hair and what a big deal that was. Comments continued throughout my life, “She has the same hair color as Great Grandpa Morris’s red mustache!” I was different in a bad way with light hair; light skin, light eyes while everyone else’s was darker and better.

Was it too far a stretch to consider that genetics accounted for an agreement that required the payment of energetic debts? Did my Great Grandpa consume other people’s energy in order to exist? I heard that he was a successful businessman because he knew how to take care of himself. Did Billy get that from him?

These memories triggered other associations. I visualized a forty-four year old hole. There was a man snapping pictures. He was moving very quickly. I was in an argument with the nurse who caught me sneaking up to the hospital room to catch a glimpse of my new baby brother. “I am mature enough to visit,” I shouted. I wasn’t going to be denied. I found another way to get to him.

Images continued to flood my mind: The night my brother fried chicken livers for himself when he was 9; Christmas Eve with my boyfriend Rusty, and his band. My eyes widened as I stared at the one of him with his pocket filled with worms walking to Sheepshead Bay. Hours later he came home with a smelly bag of trout. He was so excited when he said, “Look what I caught! I’ll fry these tonight!” I’m sure I wasn’t comfortable with him going out by himself at age 9.

I took several long gasps. It became clear that I had to delete all of those pictures and get rid of the person I was. I continued to visualize a new basis for our relationship.

I closed my eyes tightly. I became an updated version of Billy’s sister. I no longer require his energy. And I void the personalities I use to depend on to feel
alive. Then I replaced the energy sucking machinery with a keen mathematical mind. I am drawing nourishment from within.

I envisioned an updated version of my brother as well. His soft blue eyes were resting on mine and we just stand there in the quiet hollow of my heart. I intend with all my power that we begin again.

Finding True Love Through Intimacy.

By Daniel Linder MFT

A lot of people have been asking about true love; is there such a thing; if so, what is it? Is it attainable; if so, how attainable is it? If it were just love, I wouldn’t have so much difficulty. But, true love?

Talking about true love is risky business. I can imagine taking a poll, going around asking people who are looking for true love what it is they’re looking for and getting different answers and a lot of “I don’t knows.” Given its subjective nature, it always comes down to one’s interpretation or experience. A never-ending number of questions always seem to get raised.

Let’s establish that what we are talking about when we say ‘true love’ would not be referring to how a parent might feel towards his or her child or a child towards a parent, between siblings. The more traditional connotation of true love leans to, at very least, an emotionally intimate relationship, one that lasts a lifetime. It may be platonic, it may sexual. But for the purposes of this discussion we will first explore what may be some common core elements of true love and of true love that includes sexual intimacy.

As we continue the discussion about what true love is, we will see that a number of related questions are raised.

Is true love, love at first sight? Or, does it come later in the relationship?

True love may and often does begin during the initial encounter, when two people are meeting for the first time. However, the spontaneous, eye-to-eye spark, when time gets compressed, when an irrepressible stirring suddenly before they even talk happens more often in the movies, quite rarely in reality.

After ‘…first sight,’ the two people will eventually have to talk to each other. For then, they will get to see how they feel being together. That spark will either ignite or be kaput, depending on how it feels to be together, which is largely determined by the quality of their rapport. The highest high can go to the lowest low in the blink of an eye.

It is possible that when there is rapport, some kind of mutual discovery occurs; that they like being together (a lot), that they like each other (a lot), that they have this incredible chemistry, that they communicate about anything and everything; and that this turns them on even more. They can become quite excited by their rapport, but when attraction, desire and sex enter the picture, their excitement is further peaked.

Is true love a matter of luck or something that was “meant to be”?

Whether or not it was a matter of luck or their destiny to end up together, there is a strong likelihood that there was an initial rapport. It’s not luck when conscious intention meets purposeful action. It doesn’t just happen. Two people make it happen.

Rapport is a joint effort creation -- two who are people united in purpose, who place a high value getting to know what each other thinks and feels, who want to connect deeply, and are doing so.

During a rapport, there is a bridging of experience, understanding is achieved. Let’s establish one criteria of true love as being able to say, “We understand each other,” which often begins during the initial encounter.

Along with the ability to achieve a deep mutual understanding is comes a variety of other pleasant surprises. When gazing into each other’s eyes and communicating on a deep level, the feeling of knowing one another elevates the level of excitement. “We know each other like no one else does.”

For some, the experience of being able to be completely open, free and understood may be the highest of all highs.

How long does true love last? Does it fade over time?

It is reasonable to assume that if they did it once, they could do it again. However, there are no guarantees. What bears out in reality is that true love will last as long as both people are able to continue to communicate intimately. It may work to look at each and every encounter as a relationship in itself, independent of the others. It may also be considered that when there is consistency over time, the continuity will deepen their relationship, strengthen their bond.

Is true love the same thing as ‘being in love?’ Being with that special someone? Being number one? Being turned on? Having great sex?

What does it feel like? Is it a high or rather mundane? Does it have substance or is it merely a bundle of excitement?

Is it a long plateau of fixed contentment, like being “happy ever after?” Or, is it a never-ending, ever-deepening journey fraught with relationship threatening challenges?

Answering the above questions will require that some important distinctions be made beginning with true love versus ‘being in love.’ Being in love is an altered state of mind. It is a peak experience – exciting, intense… and temporary, tantamount to being high, running on adrenalin.

When ‘in love,’ two people may feel extremely turned on to each other, but how intimate they are is another question. They may feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they’re in love, while forgetting that they’re looking at each other through the lens of idealization, and are often disillusioned and overwhelmed when reality sets in. They are expecting, assuming or hoping that their altered state of mind will last indefinitely. Chances are they don’t have the experience in relationships that would tell them real intimacy is lacking or hasn’t yet been achieved and/or that they haven’t yet been challenged by negative feelings, conflicts or differences. It is more likely to be that they are basking in the false security of their distorted perception.

Another important distinction is true love and great sex.

Confusion is evident in the words often used to describe our sexual encounters. “We were intimate.” “We made love.” Physical or sexual intimacy becomes synonymous with true love or emotional intimacy. A common pitfall when there is attraction, desire, great sex, etc, is to assume more of a relationship than there is.

In light of this confusion, it’s safer and more accurate to not equate true love, or, for that matter, emotional intimacy with attraction, desire or sex; and not to equate the two. Even great sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no correlation between them.

One reason for this confusion is that emotional openness and sharing are considerably harder to achieve than the excitement, pleasure and ease associated with sex. Once again, it’s a trap of false security.


Does true love depend on the prevailing conditions and circumstances at any given point in time, a matter of being in the right time and place?

If there are conditions and circumstances conducive for true love, we may consider them to be contextually based relationships. There is a variety of situations that fit into this category. One is when two people meet when traveling away from home, outside of their usual reality. Another is work-related. There are a great many occupations that afford co-workers intimate knowledge about each other, and endless opportunities to earn respect and trust. In the military, for example, soldiers live and train together for months, sometimes years, and must rely on each other in battle. Police and firefighters also spend large chunks of time together and must depend on each other. Actors travel the whole spectrum of emotions, baring their souls to each other. And people who’ve been through an extreme experience together, i.e. a natural disaster or a terrorist attack, naturally seek understanding and support from the only one who had been through the same experience.

In contrast, a natural setting is in the natural course of life, independent of an imposed structure, when you must rely solely and entirely on each other to create and sustain rapport.

In these types of situations, it’s quite common to explore whether they’re able to sustain intimacy, whether their relationship can continue to work outside of the context in which their relationship grew, in a natural setting. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. When their relationship works in both settings, they may be more inclined to use true love to describe their relationship.

Also, when sex enters the picture, a whole other set of dynamics will enter the picture. An intimate platonic relationship doesn’t necessarily translate to a sexually intimate relationship.

When it comes to true love, intimacy may be the operative term; true love being interchangeable with true intimacy.

While intimacy may be the operative term, true love may also refer to a bond that goes above and beyond intimacy. We might say, “They are hitting on all cylinders.”

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery, Intimacy, The Essence of True Love and numerous related articles. CEU’s: Relational Recovery Training (8 CEU’s), The Relational Model of Addiction (6 CEU’s), Stigma, The Game of Appearances (3 CEU’s), Diagnosing Addiction and Mastering Intervention (2 CEU’s each).

Daniel Linder, MFT
Website: www.RelationshipVision.com
Email: Daniel@RelationshipVision.com
Phone: (415) 419-3501





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