I Fell In Love with Someone who is an Addict but Didn't Know it.

I feel in love with someone that, after several months of physical, emotional and sexual attraction, FELL OF THE WAGON I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS ON! I then had to deal with substance (drugs and alcohol) abuse/addiction, which was totally new to me. I stayed by him through his several months of self-destruction... ultimately losing my ''love'' for this person, yet still felt a ''connection'' and, finally at his lowest, I saved his life, as told to me from the doctor at the Emergency Dept.

Now, after detoxing, he is in an institution where every free moment he has he wants to spend with me. He claims he still loves me and he owes me his life. Also, he knows that I only wish to be friends right now, as my ''TRUST ISSUE'' with him is HUGE. But he says he will wait for me as he proves himself.

I do NOT love this person, although the physical attraction and sexual attraction is still there the EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION IS NOT THERE.

I honestly do not know what to do.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel…

The potential pitfall you are facing is getting blinded by the (sexual) heat that exists between the two of you. The tendency most people have in situations in which there is strong mutual attraction and physical chemistry, i.e. great sex, is jumping to conclusions about who this other person is, i.e. honing in on positive qualities and potentials while ignoring your concerns; as well about your respective compatibility as a couple, presuming more of a relationship than there is, planning a future together prematurely, that is, without a solid foundation.

For you, healthy self-interest would be to listen to your higher wisdom, act in a way that is consistent with your vision of the kind of relationship you ultimately want to create, one in which your are, as you said, EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE, or one in which (emotional) intimacy is established, and behave in a way consistent with your understanding of what that entails. Being true to yourself when there is a strong attraction is no doubt challenging but by no means impossible. As you learn to trust yourself, there is less risk of getting emotionally involved with the wrong people and doomed relationships.

Discovering his addiction made you realize that you need to put the brakes on as your trust had been broken. It sounds like there is a part of you that is adamant about not getting involved with addicts, but there is also a strong physically based motivation.

In terms of his treatment and recovery, "No (sexually) Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" applies. Now is not the time for him to pursue an intimate relationship as he must first achieve a period of sustained sobriety and coping skills, to be followed by a period of intensive self-work, which usually takes upwards of a year. That being said, don't rule out the possibility of remaining friends and continuing to develop a (platonic) relationship, which is certainly within the realm of possibility. If, at that point, you are both want to take the step towards sexual intimacy, chances will be far greater that the relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.