Consumed with Anger Towards my Partner.

Anger, I seem to be consumed with it. My partner has moved back into our home, has been clean for 4 months. It seems that the smaller (his) behaviors that I feel are inconsiderate trigger anger or exhaustion inside me so quickly,( and not in per portion.)

When he moved back in he presented a new plan for his own growth etc. and his commitment to our relationship, which included marriage, (we've been involved for 11 years, separated 3x over that period, for periods of 3 weeks to over two years,) I felt that I wanted to work towards marriage for sure, but expressed my feeling that we re-establish trust and connection etc. over the next year, a long healing engagement of sorts. He was very disappointed but said that he understood.

A few days ago, we were bickering quite a bit, I felt overwhelmed, he told me that though he had seriously considered marrying me, he had changed his mind some time ago. I felt such intense emotions, that I just had to shut down and get away from him for an hour or so. I felt like screaming my lungs out!

This is so draining for both of us, and I cannot seem to get a handle on my resentments. They creep up on me during a time when I am feeling genuinely tender and loving towards him, bang! There's that anger, the past suddenly is more present in my mind than ever and almost everything he says triggers a negative memory. He has tried doing the small daily things that I say I need, but then will gamble just one time and I feel like nothing has changed, (just a slippery slope to the familiar.) Not really, though it has been in some ways.

My dad, sister, dog and good friend have died during the last 12 months, am I going through such intense personal emotional shifts. Am I too raw?

I am so tired, exasperated, sad, yet really wanting to find some direction for us, and for myself. Thanks for your patience. I know this is a long letter, I so appreciate you being out there.

Daniel’s Response…

Anger is getting in the way of loving yourself, and taking care of yourself as you and your relationship(s) could die from ‘anger poisoning’. What is the source of your short temper? Is this anger that comes from unmet expectations, unconscious unmet emotional needs? Are you depending on him for things he can’t provide you?

Something is out of whack here. You said that he was clean for 4 months and are acting and reacting as if he should be ready to make a commitment to the relationship, let alone function in the relationship. Sounds like you’re blinded by your own denial, by counting on him to be something that he is not. It appears that neither he nor you are (healthy) relationship material at this time. Your eleven-year relationship has been a roller coaster ride and still is. Both of you seem to be forging ahead with regard for either of your limitations. I would hope that you are in therapy, on a path of self-exploration and healing from a number of significant losses. You need to be working towards shifting the focus away from him and on to yourself. You might be surprised to learn that your anger has less to do with him and more to do with you, and your ability to take care of yourself.

“No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery” has become a standard guideline for those who are learning how to cope with desperation and other difficult feelings without seeking relief via their addiction. Entering into an (sexually) intimate relationship prematurely usually spells disaster. It takes a minimum of a year to develop a relationship with oneself, i.e. self-knowledge and awareness, a year of self-discovery and reclamation, which is what makes lasting, emotionally nourishing and intimate relationships possible. I remind people all of the time, “The most important relationship is with yourself.” “You must be intimate with yourself before you can sustain an intimate relationship with someone else.”