Sober and Relapsed - Guidelines for Dating this Person.

Dear Mr. Linder,

I have almost 3 years of sobriety. I recently met someone who had 5 years of sobriety, then relapsed, and is back with 60 days or so. We are very definitely attracted to each other. We are both single, and he seems to be committed to the program again. The problem is… I don't know much about relapsing. I came in for the first time and stayed in. I love AA and one day at a time. I'm not going anywhere. My question is that I'm not sure what the recommendations are for dating when he's already learned how to live sober, and then relapsed? I can understand not dating in the very first year because you are rebuilding your life and self, but what about if it's the first year, the second time around? My sponsor is taking a hard-line, 'don't see him until he has a year' stance. I really like this person. Do you have any advice?

Response from Daniel….

After a period of sustained sobriety, the next stage of recovery is navigating the terrain of relationships and making the transition from primarily addicted or dependency-based relationships to emotionally nourishing, intimate ones. You're raising important questions, "How do you assess readiness (yours as well as his)?” "How long do you have to be sober before getting involved in a relationship?" "How do you know about the quality of the relationship the two of you could create together, whether a healthy relationship can come of it?"

There are no rules, only guidelines. It's not black or white or a set amount of time per se. Is being sober 5 years before relapsing, and being back on a recovery track for 60 days now enough time and enough of an indicator of readiness? Who knows?

I wonder whether it all boils down to the integrity of your respective programs. I imagine that he is likely sharing the same concerns. Getting into couples counseling or (premarital) early stage relationship counseling would give you both a safe place to explore where you’re at with each other, how involved you want to get at this point, how ready you both are, potential pitfalls and challenges and develop your communication skills.

You indicated that you are committed to a program and that it is a top priority in your life. But it’s hard to determine how ready you are to get involved. What is your experience with addiction and relationships? How long have you been together is a piece of information I need in order to better assess the relationship prognosis.