My Girlfriend Can Not Handle our Long Distance Relationship.

My girlfriend and I are very in love and we have a long distance relationship. I go to Ohio State and she goes to the University of Toledo. Lately, she has been completely unable to handle the distance, even though we see each other every weekend. She is causing fights and arguments all the time, but says it's because she loves me so much and just gets frustrated from being apart. She can't seem to fix her problem and nothing I try helps. She is inconsolable. How do we make this stop?

Response from Daniel….

Your girlfriend's reactions to being apart or separated tells me that she is likely using the relationship to fulfill some unmet, unconscious emotional needs, which, over time could end up sabotaging your relationship, or, at the very least, limit the level of intimacy that can be achieved. She's relying on you and the relationship more than she is on herself to quell her insecurities. This makes her dependent or addicted to you or the relationship in a way that keeps her from growing as a person, which is a key element when two people who love each other are apart for varying periods of time by virtue of natural circumstances, but who then get back together and the relationship is deeper and stronger than ever before because they are able to bring more of themselves to the relationship. This is why I would not recommend extending yourself, or compromising your focus; drop what you are doing to be with her more in hopes of consoling her. A definition of a dysfunctional relationship is one where one compromises oneself in order to keep the relationship. If one is true to oneself, then the relationship is at risk. One comes at the expense of the other.

A relationship can be considered to be healthy when both people feel free to have and pursue their separate lives without jeopardy to the relationship. One is true to oneself while the relationship remains in tact. If you have a strong sense of self or relationship with yourself, you will need to feel free to live your life independently of the relationship and will be looking forward to returning to the relationship feeling closer than ever. Periods of separation can often work wonders on the quality of the relationship.

In an effort to avoid continued fighting which I imagine makes you both feel worse as there is no resolution or understanding achieved, it would behoove you both to explore what happens when you are apart in a couple therapy setting.