Involvement with this guy is ill-advised, ill-conceived and ill-consummated.

I met a guy approx. 6 yrs ago, an alcoholic, and in treatment at the time. I did not know this or anything about what to expect. Guess I didn't believe it. He went to prison for approx. 3 yrs (DUI.) I stuck by him, even though my son called police which led to the 5^th DUI. I visited him on a regular basis, and gave him another chance when he was released. We moved together which lasted approx. 2 months until the drinking started again. He was verbally abusive at times; loud, jealous etc. I moved and did not see him for approx. 2 years. I decided to call and see how he was doing. He said he was doing well, and again tried to work things out. I had to move out again as he was still drinking. I moved and didn't want to be involved even though I cared so much. I couldn't take all the madness and seeing the drinking and behaviors. He is also manic/ bipolar which seems to make it worse. There is a lot of mania and he refuses medication. He recently lost his mother and I again felt the need to help him through this. He has bought a home and wants me to move in. He can be a great guy and I wish that side of him would stay forever, but am so scared about the drinking starting and him losing the house. I want him to go into treatment, but don't have a good track record, and I am so scared of getting emotionally involved again. I told him we can be friends. I will talk and stop by, but treatment needs to come before any relationship. I wish I had a magic wand that I could make it all go away for him. He has been drinking since 15 years or so, and see him slowly dying. What can I do? Thank you, Merilee

Response from Daniel….

What are you going to do without a magic wand? I, too wish I had a magic wand, but have to rely on myself for magic. What kind of magic are we talking about?

From what you described, you involvement with this man at this time sounds ill-advised, ill-conceived and ill-consummated. Your words give the impression that you are operating in a predominant state of denial/delusion. Neither of you appear to be anywhere close to entering into an intimate relationship with the relationship quickly destructing. Your friend is dually diagnosed being alcoholic and bi-polar, and has not as yet achieved a period of sustained sobriety and stability from his bi-polar symptoms. He can not be considered to have yet bottomed out given that he is still refusing meds and has recently gotten his 5th DUI. He, and for that matter, you both are challenging a basic principle often heard in 12-step meetings -- "No intimate relationships during the first year of recovery." Achieving sobriety and learning how to cope without alcohol and stabilize will require upwards of a year minimum before he will be ready to enter into an intimate relationship and for that relationship to have a chance of working out. And you have your work cut out for yourself as well -- as you will need to emerge from your denial/delusions and learn to overcome your codependent tendencies and how to exercise healthy self-interest in your relationships.

I recommend that you do what it takes to pull yourself out of this involvement and instead focus on developing the relationship with yourself. And you will also need to give him the space and time he needs to find the necessary level of care or program for him to achieve sobriety and stabilization. Until then entering staying involved in this relationship is premature and spells disaster.