I Want to Stay Centered, Even If My Partner is Using Again...

Well, after several difficult years of drug, alcohol, gambling and porn addiction, my partner was clean for over six years. About 2 years ago I saw evidence of relapse and after approaching it with him, (in all the healthy ways that I had come to learn,) I had to ask him to leave our home. I assured him that I would be there for him if/when he wanted to enter recovery etc. He was bitter, angry and spiteful in his reactions, but stayed away more than he was home. The transition, while a painful one, was not unexpected one (almost 2 years.)

We did, however, stay in touch.

A few months ago he began a new recovery program that included counseling, peer group meetings, acupuncture and workshops to build self esteem and prevent relapse. He was positive and felt good about it all. Just two weeks ago he began spending more time with us here at home and it was wonderful. He was reliable while I had to be away for one week to be with my sister who passed away last Fri. I had a plan in place and we discussed all the possibilities. He felt it was an important step for him and for us that he begins to earn trust again. 3 days ago he became very critical of the workshop instructor. The next day his entire personality changed, and now he has not been home for 2 days. He has called once (when he knew that I would not be home,) to apologize for being so late the night before; that it would not happen again. His tone was annoyed, defensive, and that was it. I can't call him back, even if I had thought to do so. It's early in this relapse, and I want to get some help as soon as possible. I can't predict how communication will go when he comes home, (saying this of course comes with prayers that he is OK,) but I would like to have myself in a centered place, with some guidance and outlines for my own behavior to have the most positive effect on our communication (at the right time,) for both of us.

Thank you so much for being out there.

Response from Daniel….

It sounds like your relationship was a long roller-coaster of a journey. For an unspecified number of years I imagine the two of you pushed through years of codependent/addict dynamics to then get yourselves on a path of recovery, only to be tested again when he relapsed. Maybe your recovery program was better than his, or you stayed on track and he veered off. Your ability to set limits and exercise healthy self-interest rather than allowing his relapse to trigger one for you attests to the integrity of your program.

The problem that you’re facing right now is that it remains unclear as to whether he is in relapse or recovery. As long as it remains unclear, your relationship will be on hold. You don't want to be with him or there for him unless he clearly is on a path of recovery. You were inclined to resume the relationship or give him another chance when he began a recovery program. At the same time, you had to proceed with caution. You can't afford to delude yourself with optimism when his stability is still not established. You may be at risk of jumping back into it prematurely as he may not be ready to return to a recovery based relationship as yet. Before you make the mistake of resuming the relationship business as usual, i.e. living together again, a regimen of couples counseling is strongly recommended. Couples counseling will force him to be accountable for his level of motivation and commitment to a recovery program, give you both an opportunity to assess the quality of his program, for you to voice your concerns and he respond to them.