"Loving Someone," as opposed to "Being In Love."

I am recently divorced, following a marriage of 18 years. I'm 48, intelligent, funny, upbeat, and generally a 'rock' of strength (very practical). I've had to spend the last year re-engineering my life, e.g. moving back to my home state....home town, finding work, renewing a couple of friendships, and so forth.

I've been dating a man that is a few years older than me, and was divorced several years ago. He's not pressured or pushed me (emotionally), but has made it clear that he is 'in love' with me and wishes to get married. He doesn't want 'to date forever'. He doesn't want to simply live together. He wants the commitment of marriage. Herein lies the problem. I love him, but I wouldn't say that I'm 'in love' with him. The thought of getting remarried right now, just about gives me heart palpitations.

This next year of simply dating and seeing where it goes, is what we've both agreed to do. At the end of the year...he'd like a willingness from me to commit (marriage,) or we call it quits. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to get remarried just yet. Not sure how to proceed. Should I better evaluate what I feel? If so, how do I do that? Have I just not sorted through my failed marriage baggage sufficiently? What a quandary! Advice? Suggestions?

Response from Daniel...

Your questions point to issues and challenges a number of people struggle with.

'He's not pressured or pushed me (emotionally), but has made it clear that
he is 'in love' with me and wishes to get married.  He doesn't want 'to date
forever'.  He doesn't want to simply live together.

He wants the commitment of marriage. Herein lies the problem.
I love him, but I wouldn't say that I'm 'in love' with him.  The thought of
getting remarried right now, just about gives me heart palpitations."

So common it is to fall into the trap of equating "being in love" as a primary criteria for considering marriage, or standard for determining whether "stepping it up" or a longer term commitment to the relationship is warranted. It's important to understand the distinction between "being in love' and quality of rapport, level of, intimacy and 'loving' someone enough
to considering a future together. There is the distinction between objectively assessing a relationship and being blinded by excitement, which is usually the case when someone is "in love." There really is no correlation between being in love and genuine rapport, intimacy, substance, or lasting power. A far more reliable indicator is to instead assess what happens when the excitement of being in love dissipates, as it inevitably will, as all peak experiences do. Most people aren't prepared for when reality comes crashing down, for when they begin to realized that their partner is a "mixed-bag" as opposed to the idealized version they invested so much in, that s/he wasn't "who they thought s/he was, who they wished s/her to be or assumed would be." (Intimacy, The Essence of True Love by Daniel Linder.)

He has put too much stock in "being in love" with you as a basis for pursuing marriage, and making a long term commitment to the relationship, as if the relationship is, at that point a "slam dunk." He's jumping ahead, probably deriving a false sense of security and presuming there is more of a relationship than actually is. Try to circumvent marriage becoming a "yay or nay" "you're either in or out," "with me or against me," which only obscures the issues and challenges inherent in creating lasting intimate relationships. If the two of you had an arena (i.e. couples therapy or pre-marital counseling) to discuss your respective views, concerns, reactions, needs and 'relationship values," there will be the potential for you to achieve a deeper mutual understanding, sense of knowing each other better, of closeness and bonding. Practicing and developing communication skills are vital in terms the quality and future of the relationship. Having "heart palpitations" is an attest to your self-awareness and reliance on your intuition, as it doesn't appear that you've established a solid basis for taking the relationship to that level as yet. I don't think that your "failed marriage baggage" is as much a determining factor as much as how you're are handling the challenges and questions you are now facing in this relationship.