I Just Found Out My Partner/Boyfriend is an Alcoholic. What Should I Do?
I am an MFT Intern in Southern California and just discovered my partner/boyfriend has an alcohol problem. He asked to enter rehab and is currently at The Betty Ford Center. I have shied away from addiction in my career and focused on DD and SED children. I have no idea where to start in supporting him and myself and have HUGE problems with, what I find to be, the victimizing language of Alanon. So, do you have any suggestions for me? I love this man, but not more than I love myself and my sanity.
Response from Daniel....
(Just some general questions...how did you discover the alcohol problem? How was it handled? What specifically was communicated? Was it clear that an alcohol problem was wrecking the relationship or could wreck the relationship? Did he decide to enter treatment on his own or was responding to pressure coming from you? Was this his first treatment?)
Great questions. Discovery of alcohol problem in a relationship... How do you support yourself? How do you support him? How can Alanon be used in a constructive way in the overall scheme of things?
When you say that your love for this man is not greater than your love for yourself or your sanity, you sound healthy, alive, present, a person who is self-aware, who relies on and values herself. You're certainly on the right track to avoiding the trap of a victim role or state or even being at risk of such when self-preservation is the number one priority. Growing and learning to develop oneself, the relationship you have with yourself so that you're no longer depending on sources (others) outside of yourself for emotional sustenance or relief are part of the recovery journey. It should not be considered unusual or surprising necessarily to find yourself with an addict, as addiction is so rampant, so many people in so much pain. Yet, at the same time. being with an alcoholic for the first time can and will poses challenges you are seemingly ready to face. You might discover that there are unconscious unmet emotional needs driving you and drawing him to you; in short, some unmet needs uncovered, some unresolved. You might uncover some unresolved, deep-seated co-dependency issues. Some individual therapy with an addiction specialist may be on order just to serve as a reality check, keep you on the right track.
In terms of Alanon, you may look at Alanon as an opportunity to learn about addiction, how addiction affects those around and in relationship with addicts, rather than automatically equating co-dependency with victimization.
In terms of supporting him... the more you're able to maintain clear boundaries and distinguish between his problems/issues and yours, and who takes responsibility for whose problems, you'll be supporting him. Understand that commitment to recovery requires strict adherence to a program of practice on a daily basis, that recovery is a discipline of developing sources of support and guidance, a track of self-work maintained only when there is sufficient internal motivation to do so. You could be supportive by acknowledging his courage to acknowledge a problem, his willingness to seek help. You could also discuss what his program is with him. The more is able to talk about it, the more clear his challenges will be and be able to prepare himself accordingly, with some vital support in place. You could also acknowledge yourself -- your desire to learn more about how to best support him without compromising yourself by attending (some, perhaps) Alanon meetings or seeking of venues to enhance your understanding of potential pitfalls..
Response from Daniel....
(Just some general questions...how did you discover the alcohol problem? How was it handled? What specifically was communicated? Was it clear that an alcohol problem was wrecking the relationship or could wreck the relationship? Did he decide to enter treatment on his own or was responding to pressure coming from you? Was this his first treatment?)
Great questions. Discovery of alcohol problem in a relationship... How do you support yourself? How do you support him? How can Alanon be used in a constructive way in the overall scheme of things?
When you say that your love for this man is not greater than your love for yourself or your sanity, you sound healthy, alive, present, a person who is self-aware, who relies on and values herself. You're certainly on the right track to avoiding the trap of a victim role or state or even being at risk of such when self-preservation is the number one priority. Growing and learning to develop oneself, the relationship you have with yourself so that you're no longer depending on sources (others) outside of yourself for emotional sustenance or relief are part of the recovery journey. It should not be considered unusual or surprising necessarily to find yourself with an addict, as addiction is so rampant, so many people in so much pain. Yet, at the same time. being with an alcoholic for the first time can and will poses challenges you are seemingly ready to face. You might discover that there are unconscious unmet emotional needs driving you and drawing him to you; in short, some unmet needs uncovered, some unresolved. You might uncover some unresolved, deep-seated co-dependency issues. Some individual therapy with an addiction specialist may be on order just to serve as a reality check, keep you on the right track.
In terms of Alanon, you may look at Alanon as an opportunity to learn about addiction, how addiction affects those around and in relationship with addicts, rather than automatically equating co-dependency with victimization.
In terms of supporting him... the more you're able to maintain clear boundaries and distinguish between his problems/issues and yours, and who takes responsibility for whose problems, you'll be supporting him. Understand that commitment to recovery requires strict adherence to a program of practice on a daily basis, that recovery is a discipline of developing sources of support and guidance, a track of self-work maintained only when there is sufficient internal motivation to do so. You could be supportive by acknowledging his courage to acknowledge a problem, his willingness to seek help. You could also discuss what his program is with him. The more is able to talk about it, the more clear his challenges will be and be able to prepare himself accordingly, with some vital support in place. You could also acknowledge yourself -- your desire to learn more about how to best support him without compromising yourself by attending (some, perhaps) Alanon meetings or seeking of venues to enhance your understanding of potential pitfalls..
posted by RelationshipVision at 6:01 PM
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