Getting Involved within the First Year of Sobriety.

I recently met a guy online. He was upfront about being in recovery 7 months now. I have never dated someone in recovery. Against my better judgment I agreed to meet him. I told him that I saw an episode of Sex and the City where one of the characters began dating a man at the 11 month of his recovery. He of course fell off the wagon. My dilemma is, I like this guy but I don't want to derail him. We've met only twice but it is already intense between us. I just Googled recovery and relationships and found your article and I'm convinced I should not see him anymore. Maybe in 5 months, but how do I tell him this without sending him into a relapse? It might be presumptuous of me to assume, but in case he really believes that he likes me, I don't want to turn back his progress. Any little bit of advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel...

This is an opportunity for you to practice exercising healthy self-interest. Rather than focusing your concerns on how you might trigger a relapse, I’d encourage you focus on your feelings in an effort to build a solid foundation to whatever relationship is developing and to openly discuss the risks of getting overly involved in an intimate relationship prematurely. It’s quite rare that anyone in early recovery (sober less than a year) has the coping skills as well as relationship building skills and experience to sustain an intimate relationship. The “intensity” between you could easily distort your sense of the relationship, assume more of a relationship that there actually is, i.e. that you are more compatible than you actually are and that he is more together than he actually is. It may be possible for you to funnel the current relationship into a friendship status (platonic), cool things down a bit to buy some time, i.e. 6 months, see whether the friendship continues to develop and decide in 6 months the direction you both want to take the relationship. The idea is to protect the relationship, nourish it, while being realistic and maintaining focus on each one’s individual needs.