Long Term Relationships - Does "No Intimacy Rule Still Apply?"
My husband of 8 years is an addict. We have two children. A 6 year old and a 8 month old. Last summer he left me pregnant. He said he did not want to be married any longer. He relapsed and got into a relationship with another addict. Just before the baby was born he got clean and wanted to try to work things out. He has been attending meetings and counseling (self and marriage) sessions for almost 9 months. For the first 6 months we were not intimate. I insisted he be tested before we could even attempt to have sex. After about six months he tested clean and we had sex. That was three months ago. We attempted to have sex two other times and he had difficulties staying erect. Now he states that he does not have the desire to have sex. I have been reading about intimacy and recovery and know that it is a common problem. What are your thoughts. Also, I know that relationships are not recommended for the first year of recovery. What do you do when you are already in a long term relationship and have children?
Does this still apply?
Response from Daniel....
When you are already in a relationship, the idea of 'relationship abstinence' for a year doesn't apply. What does apply is the likelihood that the pre-existing relationship will be in a precarious state. The idea for those already in a relationship is to make a concerted effort to explore together the implications that recovery has on the relationship. If you are not striving towards recovery as individuals and together aligned in purpose and vision, and communicating about the kind of relationship you want to create together, the changes that you both want to make, the relationship can easily revert to yet another dysfunctional relationship that will either end or not be a healthy one if it continued. For the two of you, couples therapy is strongly recommended, so that you have a safe learning environment where you can come together to communicate about the things that are going on, i.e. concerns, fears, desires, disappointments, needs wishes, dreams as well as developing action plan for change as well as implementation. It's not unusual for those in early recovery to experience emotional withdrawal, becoming emotionally frozen, numb and/or defended when navigating the treacherous terrain of sexual intimacy, let alone, intimacy when sober.
Intimacy is a monumental challenge for anyone, but especially so for those early in recovery.
Daniel
Does this still apply?
Response from Daniel....
When you are already in a relationship, the idea of 'relationship abstinence' for a year doesn't apply. What does apply is the likelihood that the pre-existing relationship will be in a precarious state. The idea for those already in a relationship is to make a concerted effort to explore together the implications that recovery has on the relationship. If you are not striving towards recovery as individuals and together aligned in purpose and vision, and communicating about the kind of relationship you want to create together, the changes that you both want to make, the relationship can easily revert to yet another dysfunctional relationship that will either end or not be a healthy one if it continued. For the two of you, couples therapy is strongly recommended, so that you have a safe learning environment where you can come together to communicate about the things that are going on, i.e. concerns, fears, desires, disappointments, needs wishes, dreams as well as developing action plan for change as well as implementation. It's not unusual for those in early recovery to experience emotional withdrawal, becoming emotionally frozen, numb and/or defended when navigating the treacherous terrain of sexual intimacy, let alone, intimacy when sober.
Intimacy is a monumental challenge for anyone, but especially so for those early in recovery.
Daniel
posted by RelationshipVision at 10:16 AM
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