Is this relationship with an alcoholic possible?

A little background: I am not an alcoholic and I have (despite the red flags and against my better judgment) fallen in love with an alcoholic who is committed to his program and has been sober for eight years. We have been trying to work this relationship for six months and both of us want to make it work. I have been involved in two very long-term relationships, one healthy and one not. I know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

I am willing to do the work to build this relationship, because I feel that this man is worth it. I am not willing to sacrifice myself in the process. For both of us, the past six months has been a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. He feels that the relationship is good for him, while I am feeling that it is destructive for me. It is a constant dance of him pulling me close and then shoving me away. He says the right things, but his actions are contradictory. I am beginning to feel major self-doubt and insecurity.

I have decided to try al-anon, but feel that I am better able to process information through reading and reflection. Can you recommend articles, books or pamphlets that might address my specific problem? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Response from Daniel...

Your question, "Is a healthy relationship possible or is my suffering a part of his disease that I must learn to live with?" is tantamount to" If I stay in a relationship with a dysfunctional person, will I be forever trapped in a dysfunctional relationship?" Commitment to recovery can overcome lack of experience in healthy relationships. After a sustained period of sobriety is achieved, one must focus on the return to self-hood, reclaiming yourself, getting to know and love yourself and develop that relationship with yourself, which are prerequisites for creating intimate relationships.

Commitment to recovery ensures that you will eventually learn what it means to manifest healthy self-interest in relationships and be able to do so when challenged. Once you're able to act in your own best interests, i.e. you have a vision of the kind of relationship you're looking for, and you understand your responsibility, you'll no longer have worry about getting stuck in a bad relationship. You'll no longer be plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. You'll be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships and act accordingly. You can be leading the way towards health and intimacy, "raising the bar" and not be looking to him to do so. Acting with healthy self-interest means being able to set limits, say what you feel and need when pointing to his pull-push tendencies, his mixed messages, how he creates distance when there is the potential for intimacy. Despite your history in relationships, it is possible to learn some basic principles, pitfalls, challenges and communication skills, i.e. what to do and how to do it. Intimacy is always a joint-effort effort creation, an art form that requires constant attention and practice, but you can master the craft regardless of your experience in relationships. Reading my books, Demystifying Addiction and Relational Recovery could be a turning point for you.