For Who? "No Intimate Relationships during the First Year of Sobriety!"

Dear Mr. Linder,

I was given your article to read regarding, "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety." My partner of 3 1/2 years was given this by his therapist and asked that I read it. During the past 7 months my partner has been told not to make any changes in our relationship. Now he is given this article. My question is this... After sharing this with four different psychologists, (2 that specialize in substance abuse, and 2 that do not, 2 men, 2 women,) all were a little confused. Ours is not a new relationship. And following this would require a major change in our relationship, which his therapist has consistently said not to.

Would it be possible for you to just provide me with some insight (my partner and I have a strong, loving, relationship) as to what a couple is to do in this situation?

Thank you for your time and help with this. I eagerly await your answer.

Daniel's Response....

First off, the recent spat of similar inquiries made me realize that I didn't specify the audience I was addressing by, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery." My alert was directed towards those in early recovery who are single, not currently in a relationship, and whose primary focus and goal is to develop coping skills to live a sober life, learn to handle emotions, and most importantly strengthen the relationship with oneself without the distraction of a sexually intimate relationship. I realize that given you are already in a sexually active 3 1/2 year relationship, one you consider to be strong and loving, you're wondering how such a dictum might apply to your situation. Certainly I don't mean for you and your partner to suddenly become celibate. The point is to clarify the challenges during first year of recovery so that you both can align your priorities and purpose accordingly. The key is for the recovering person to do the necessary self-work, which will pay huge dividends by improving the chances that one creates solid, emotionally and sexually intimate, nourishing and lasting relationships. As you may already know, relationship dysfunction and problems are the most common cause of relapse. Also understand that a basic implication of any addiction is that addiction is a primary relationship (with a source of relief, be it with substances, gambling, porn, or sex), and that this relationship is overpowering and supersedes all other relationships. Until recovery, all other relationships may compete with the addiction, only to lose every time. In other words, you can look forward to developing a new and qualitatively different relationship with your partner, which will continue to improve over time. However, rule of thumb is that it takes a year or so of steady adherence to a program that enables the recovering addict to transition from dependence on a source of relief to reliance on oneself, and one in which the recovering person develops much needed relationship building skills. The quality of any relationship depends largely on the quality of the relationship the two people have with themselves. Feel free to continue this dialogue with questions or comments.