When Recovery and Relationships Intersect.

I've been married for 27 years to a man who had his first alcoholic binge beginning at year 8 in our marriage. At year 11, he sobered up and attended AA for 8 months. Then he began to drink 'in control.' At year 25 he had an extramarital affair that he ended reluctantly. At year 27, he began to binge drink, including going to work drunk. He is currently in recovery, going to Individual Counseling and AA. I am having a difficult time figuring out how I fit into this mess. I am hurt by the infidelity, although I know it is often the result of Alcoholism. I do not want to be co-dependent or enabling, or manipulative but I want to support him. I am going to Al-anon, but am not finding it very helpful. You state that an addict shouldn't start any sexual relationships for a year when they begin a sobriety program. What about an existing marriage.... Where do I fit into this mess?

Response from Daniel...

No doubt it would be helpful to understand more about the stages and some implications in terms of how recovery and relationships cross lines.

Let's begin with a longstanding relationship of 27 yrs with an alcoholic you discovered was an alcoholic 8 years into the relationship, whose recovery has been checkered by several relapses and a relationship that had since withstood many of the challenges these stages can pose.

Generally speaking, 11 months max of sobriety during 20 years of "recovery" doesn't bode well for the quality of recovery or to the requisite adherence to some kind of program.

As I understand the process of addiction, the thought of 'controlled use' is unrealistic thinking at best, more likely an illusion or delusion. It is in the realm of possibility, but highly unlikely. Understandably you didn't know this at the time. "Should you have known this, or picked up on it sooner, i.e. that there is a problem or a problem with alcohol?" is worth exploring further. I'm pointing to the principles, "Wherever there is an alcoholic, there is a co-dependent. Co-dependency is an addiction in itself own right, therefore is accompanied by denial and need for treatment or intervention. Co-dependency works against the addict taking responsibility for one's own problems. In other words, you're in this together, and were all along.

I wouldn't put to much stock in the extra-marital affair given that you've been with someone highly impulsive and considerably unstable from the beginning. An affair is tantamount to relapse and par for the course in terms of its progression. Certainly an impulsive person is at risk of becoming more impulsive, higher the stakes and severity of natural consequences. Going to work drunk is a classic example.

We may also assume that your relationship needed attention before it reached crisis proportions. It's likely that your relationship was, from the beginning, based on a need take refuge in each other, to somehow take care of each other's unmet emotional needs, when neither individual had ever learned to develop the resources within oneself.

Currently working a program is encouraging. However, his history is one of cracking the thin ice he skates on, which makes crashing and burning (again) is always right around the corner. It follows that being co-dependent and enabling, an addiction recovery requires adherence to a program of self-work. Alanon is one option. Regardless, the quality of your recovery is your responsibility. You need individual therapy to help you to discover yourself, to empower you to change the course of the relationship, where you could learn about how to operate with healthy self-interest in a relationship, and stop hiding in the relationship.

Currently working a program is encouraging. However, his history is one of cracking the thin ice he skates on, which makes crashing and burning (again) is always right around the corner. It follows that being co-dependent and enabling, an addiction recovery requires adherence to a program of self-work. Alanon is one option. Regardless, the quality of your recovery is your responsibility. You need individual therapy to help you to discover yourself, to empower you to change the course of the relationship, where you could learn about how to operate with healthy self-interest in a relationship, and stop hiding in the relationship.

"You state that an addict shouldn't start any sexual relationships for a year when they begin a sobriety program. What about an existing marriage?"

Great question!

The principle, "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety." has slightly different implications than when being single and getting sexually involved during the first year of sobriety. The relationship prognosis is bleak. The point is that sex can become a great distraction during this very precious period. Doing self-work always enhances a relationship. Separating or abstaining from sex for a relatively brief period of time can never hurt either. The point is also to always make sex as a potential distraction or impediment to recovery an issue to be explored and discussed. Remembering too, that a little relationship training can go a long way towards creating change in a relationship. In the end, what we're needing are emotionally nourishing relationships, intimacy and understanding.