Emotional Intimacy in the First Year of Recovery.
Your article, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery" is not what I wanted to hear. Though it is what I thought I would hear. I'm 4.5 years into recovery and recently went on 2 dates (and have one planned for tomorrow) with a women who is working on 1 month. I am very attracted to the women. I kind of thought I was being selfish when I first made a posting relevant to this a week ago.
Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear, the real question is, "do I have enough integrity to do the right thing?" Further, if I opt to do the right thing, "how do I do it with the least amount of hurt?"
Daniel's Response...
Of course "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety (or recovery)" is not what you want to hear. You're attracted and excited, with a history of impulsivity and as an addict yourself, will always be at risk in the face of attraction and excitement, let alone, great sex. However, this woman is clearly not ready and a sexual involvement would only increase the load of challenges she is already facing. The first year is about developing coping skills to deal with day to day emotions and feelings without having to seek relief through addiction, and to do important self-work; developing resources within oneself; getting herself back, which usually takes at least a year. No doubt a relationship would be a major distraction and the odds are that it would end quickly and badly. As my mother would say, Such a relationship would be "ill-fated, ill-advised and ill-consummated." You could instead shift focus to her need to strongly adhere to this principle and re-direct your (sexual) interest.
As you already stated, what you ultimately do depends on the level of your integrity and quality of your recovery. No worry about hurting her- she might feel supported, cared for and you worthy of her trust. The hard part is not act self-centeredly and not seize this opportunity to indulge yourself.
Taye's Response...
"Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear the real question is do I have enough integrity to do the right thing. Further, if I opt to do the right thing, how do I do it with the least amount of hurt."
With four and a half years of sobriety yourself, you are faced with a deeper challenge...how to experience your feelings and needs when they are painful and the need to relieve the pain feels overwhelming? I don't think there is a pat answer. The best news is that you are in touch --and a good place to begin is to acknowledge yourself for being this far into the process; where you realize you have a choice. You can deepen your relationship with yourself by being vulnerable in this new relationship; expressing all there is to express without having to act on the feelings...Emotional intimacy is a good goal to go after. Sometimes is more naked than sex. Sometimes it's even more gratifying.
It's really great that you are talking about this. I applaud you.
--------------------------------------
Vistor's Response....
Greetings!
Well this is the way things stand for us. We talked about all the issues raised by you good people and others. While we have not agreed to end the relationship completely, we have agreed to the following; (1) No sex. (2) In addition to other meetings she will attend at least 1 all women's meeting per week, I will continue with my men's group. (3) She will maintain a relationship with a sponsor, female, of course. Other than that, our plan is to take it one day at a time. I know that this is not the ideal. I know intellectually we probably shouldn't see each other at all. But this is what we are both comfortable with.
Daniel's Response...
I can see that you are trying to heed this advice by imposing structure into this developing relationship, apparently to maximize the chances of it working out. However, as you already know, you are defying the odds and are thinking that somehow you'll find a way to make it work and become an exception to the rule. When you say that you "haven't agreed to end the relationship completely," you mean you are continuing in the relationship. Are you saying that you are exploring a platonic relationship or a friendship? "No sex." Is the plan to take this "one day at a time?" (No sex today. What about tomorrow?)
When left to your own devices, that is, instituting and and adhering to those structures, the odds get worse over time. I predict that those structures will eventually be stretched to accommodate sexual activity you both will so desire. The focus will continue to shift gradually but steadily from how the challenges of early recovery are getting dealt with to how the two of you could engage sexually. As you get increasingly emotionally involved, sexual tension and planning will always be looming. Increasing emotional involvement has a way of distorting your perceptions and thinking at the expense of objectivity and healthy self-interest, especially for addicts in early recovery. Losing oneself in a relationship is often an irresistible opportunity given that relief is afforded -- of course it is far more exciting and fun to get involved in a relationship that having to deal with oneself during this painful and difficult adjustment period (during the first year of sobriety).
Nevertheless, there is always the chance that this relationship can work out. Miracles do happen.
Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear, the real question is, "do I have enough integrity to do the right thing?" Further, if I opt to do the right thing, "how do I do it with the least amount of hurt?"
Daniel's Response...
Of course "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety (or recovery)" is not what you want to hear. You're attracted and excited, with a history of impulsivity and as an addict yourself, will always be at risk in the face of attraction and excitement, let alone, great sex. However, this woman is clearly not ready and a sexual involvement would only increase the load of challenges she is already facing. The first year is about developing coping skills to deal with day to day emotions and feelings without having to seek relief through addiction, and to do important self-work; developing resources within oneself; getting herself back, which usually takes at least a year. No doubt a relationship would be a major distraction and the odds are that it would end quickly and badly. As my mother would say, Such a relationship would be "ill-fated, ill-advised and ill-consummated." You could instead shift focus to her need to strongly adhere to this principle and re-direct your (sexual) interest.
As you already stated, what you ultimately do depends on the level of your integrity and quality of your recovery. No worry about hurting her- she might feel supported, cared for and you worthy of her trust. The hard part is not act self-centeredly and not seize this opportunity to indulge yourself.
Taye's Response...
"Now that I have heard what I didn't want to hear the real question is do I have enough integrity to do the right thing. Further, if I opt to do the right thing, how do I do it with the least amount of hurt."
With four and a half years of sobriety yourself, you are faced with a deeper challenge...how to experience your feelings and needs when they are painful and the need to relieve the pain feels overwhelming? I don't think there is a pat answer. The best news is that you are in touch --and a good place to begin is to acknowledge yourself for being this far into the process; where you realize you have a choice. You can deepen your relationship with yourself by being vulnerable in this new relationship; expressing all there is to express without having to act on the feelings...Emotional intimacy is a good goal to go after. Sometimes is more naked than sex. Sometimes it's even more gratifying.
It's really great that you are talking about this. I applaud you.
--------------------------------------
Vistor's Response....
Greetings!
Well this is the way things stand for us. We talked about all the issues raised by you good people and others. While we have not agreed to end the relationship completely, we have agreed to the following; (1) No sex. (2) In addition to other meetings she will attend at least 1 all women's meeting per week, I will continue with my men's group. (3) She will maintain a relationship with a sponsor, female, of course. Other than that, our plan is to take it one day at a time. I know that this is not the ideal. I know intellectually we probably shouldn't see each other at all. But this is what we are both comfortable with.
Daniel's Response...
I can see that you are trying to heed this advice by imposing structure into this developing relationship, apparently to maximize the chances of it working out. However, as you already know, you are defying the odds and are thinking that somehow you'll find a way to make it work and become an exception to the rule. When you say that you "haven't agreed to end the relationship completely," you mean you are continuing in the relationship. Are you saying that you are exploring a platonic relationship or a friendship? "No sex." Is the plan to take this "one day at a time?" (No sex today. What about tomorrow?)
When left to your own devices, that is, instituting and and adhering to those structures, the odds get worse over time. I predict that those structures will eventually be stretched to accommodate sexual activity you both will so desire. The focus will continue to shift gradually but steadily from how the challenges of early recovery are getting dealt with to how the two of you could engage sexually. As you get increasingly emotionally involved, sexual tension and planning will always be looming. Increasing emotional involvement has a way of distorting your perceptions and thinking at the expense of objectivity and healthy self-interest, especially for addicts in early recovery. Losing oneself in a relationship is often an irresistible opportunity given that relief is afforded -- of course it is far more exciting and fun to get involved in a relationship that having to deal with oneself during this painful and difficult adjustment period (during the first year of sobriety).
Nevertheless, there is always the chance that this relationship can work out. Miracles do happen.
posted by RelationshipVision at 7:18 AM
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