Early Stage Intervention (Pre-Marital) Counseling.
I would love some general thoughts about a current relationship.
Here's a little background. I question his stability, his groundedness, and some of his judgments. He is 10 years younger than I (he's 29, I'm 39.) He has lived less than a year in the states from Israel (current illegal status since his visa ran out.) He is extremely loving and devoted to me, wants to have children and get married. But his track record of consistency in working and a general sense of lethargic, passive energy (sleeping in a lot), plus a very rebellious, counter culture way of life scares me. He is starting to work hard but there is an ungroundedness about him. He also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God and only smokes pot a few nights a week. Any advice to help me get clear about the situation?
Thank you!
Response from Daniel
This sounds like a situation, rather a relationship that calls out for some type of pre-marital counseling intervention. Your concerns come across loudly and clearly. The benefits of pre-marital or early stage intervention would be for you both to have more of an opportunity to establish a solid foundation and/or basis for a relationship. Your concerns referring to "an ungroundedness about him...and also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God" too noteworthy-your gut is telling you to explore further to rule out "the tip of the iceberg." It's not the age difference that is a concern. The Israeli citizenship and expired visa issue could be a factor in his motivation to stay in the relationship, in which case, you would want that to be clear sooner than later. His apparent or possible depression, lack of motivation, inconsistent track record are also things that would be in your best interests to explore further. If he is not up for pre-marital counseling, the prognosis for a quality, lasting, intimate relationship worsens.
Here's a little background. I question his stability, his groundedness, and some of his judgments. He is 10 years younger than I (he's 29, I'm 39.) He has lived less than a year in the states from Israel (current illegal status since his visa ran out.) He is extremely loving and devoted to me, wants to have children and get married. But his track record of consistency in working and a general sense of lethargic, passive energy (sleeping in a lot), plus a very rebellious, counter culture way of life scares me. He is starting to work hard but there is an ungroundedness about him. He also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God and only smokes pot a few nights a week. Any advice to help me get clear about the situation?
Thank you!
Response from Daniel
This sounds like a situation, rather a relationship that calls out for some type of pre-marital counseling intervention. Your concerns come across loudly and clearly. The benefits of pre-marital or early stage intervention would be for you both to have more of an opportunity to establish a solid foundation and/or basis for a relationship. Your concerns referring to "an ungroundedness about him...and also used to do drugs for a long time but has now found God" too noteworthy-your gut is telling you to explore further to rule out "the tip of the iceberg." It's not the age difference that is a concern. The Israeli citizenship and expired visa issue could be a factor in his motivation to stay in the relationship, in which case, you would want that to be clear sooner than later. His apparent or possible depression, lack of motivation, inconsistent track record are also things that would be in your best interests to explore further. If he is not up for pre-marital counseling, the prognosis for a quality, lasting, intimate relationship worsens.
posted by RelationshipVision at 4:58 AM
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