Struggling with my Partner who is an Addict.

My partner of almost 10 years has been in active addiction for the past 2 years. When we met, I did not know of his addictions and he hid them well. As I became aware of them I wrote him a letter expressing my love for him and also said that I felt that there was no room for me in his life, only his addictions and his pain. After he read that letter he decided to stop using, and he did for about 7 years. He did not enter any kind of recovery program.

Over the years though we have struggled with issues of pornography, infidelity, excessive gambling, and he began more and more to exclude me from social plans. I have responded with reason, detachment, tears, begging, criticizing, rescuing,..... then I got some help from a therapist and Naranon.

I find myself overwhelmed and struggling for direction. My partner is now taking baby steps towards recovery. He says, he has seen a doctor, is seeking help for his "dual diagnosis" but nothing has really changed. I love him, through all the anger and hurt and self focus, I am sure of that, but I feel that an undeveloped part of me keeps me here, with someone who is now rarely around, disappears for 2, 3, 4 days at a time, and then actually convinces me that part of the reason for his behavior is a reaction to me being controlling. I have set personal boundaries with him, and have expressed them lovingly, and have been very respectful.

I don't feel safe to be sexually intimate with him without protection. He sees this as very controlling, and has been verbally venting and humiliating towards me. But then my charming, vulnerable partner appears out of the shadows of the addict personality and I find myself trying to understand, and figure things out, and change my own behavior........

I don't know what to do, I am doing my own version of 12 steps, etc. but I am truly lost, and overwhelmed.

Response from Daniel...

What you're finding is that intimacy and sustaining an intimate relationship is nearly impossible with anyone in the throes of an addiction. In your relationship, it's several addictions. As long a he is not in recovery, and committed to recovery, you will be in competition with his various other relationships, i.e. with substances, porn, sex, gambling, which are stronger than the one the two of you have. As it may be hard for you to comprehend, your relationship with him pales in comparison with those aforementioned. If he's got mental health issues as well, i.e. dual diagnosis, those need to be treated effectively since they can wreck havoc on a relationship as well.

Please say more about your own version of the 12-steps? It sounds like your program is working to keep your level of stress and pain down, but at the same time keeps you in a dysfunctional relation that has not really stabilized, or got going in a healthier direction and doesn't appear to be doing so any time soon; except for those short lived moments when you see his charm and vulnerability.

You seem to have found some direction with a therapist and Naranon some time ago, but presumably stopped, only to find yourself overwhelmed once again. You might need to seek out those resources again in order to better understand what you are dealing with, how to take better care of yourself, and get the support to take the appropriate action. You yourself have said that taking baby steps toward recovery isn't going to bring about the changes necessary in your relationship. You know that, yet you are willing to stay on board of a sinking ship. You may also find my books useful. In Demystifying Addiction, I present a new perspective on addiction: The Relational Model of Addiction. In Relational Recovery, I shed light on basic principles, pitfalls, distinctions and skills that empower the transformation of relationships.