Is My Room-Mate an Alcoholic? What Can I Do?
I'm concerned about my roommate. She seems to be drinking a lot, but I don't know whether her drinking is actually a problem, and if it is, what I can do about it. She's drinking about a bottle of wine a night and quite a number of beers. When I asked her whether she thinks she is drinking too much or has a problem, she said, "I have woken up every day for class and haven't done anything stupid yet." When I suggested that seeking some professional help is an option, she said that she doesn't like to have to ask for help. But, she added that when I think she is drinking too much, I should tell her and then she'll curtail it. I know that she is dealing with grief over her mother's death so I'd expect her to be somewhat depressed. She told me that she is planning an seeing a psychiatrist.
Some general thoughts from Daniel...
If she is saying things like, "I have woken up every day for class and haven't done anything stupid yet." these are what I call manifestations of denial, i.e. rationalization and minimization, which are indications that there is a dependency, that a relationship with alcohol exists, a relationship that serves to relieve pain (grief, sadness, loss and whatever other painful feelings are there). Although it might appear to her that there isn't a problem or dependency, as we know, this relationship progresses over time, impairments in functioning and judgments will increase; that is, she hasn't done anything stupid yet, yet being the operative term.
As far as "feeling bad about having to ask for help" usually there is shame related to having a problem, needing help, carrying on a secret relationship (like a secret love affair) with alcohol, which imposes a wedge between her and all of the significant others. Overtime her life will revolve around alcohol at the expense of other relationships. Additionally, the illusion of control is common, when there has been a loss of control for quite some time. Having difficult acknowledging a problem and seeking help for it is the norm, always to be expected.
Has her drinking affected your relationship with her in any way? She is going to need you as a reality check as her denial will make it impossible for her to accurately and realistically assess the severity of the problem or whether a dependency exists at all. It would behoove the both of you (her and the relationship you have with her) to take her up on her suggestion that you confront her. It sounds to me like you are going to need to confront her about this because you are a witness and you care about her. There are a number of ways to go about this. You probably do not need to get in her face, not that you would anyway, but rather feel comfortable discussing her drinking as a concern as it has become excessive and constant. You can explore with her by asking questions along the lines of whether there is any connection between her mother's death and an increase in drinking. You may want to ask her about how aware she is about what has been going on with her on an emotional level, how has she been coping since her mother's death. Of course you can always recommend that she seek individual therapy with someone who is savvy and who could educate her further about substance abuse and associated problems, i.e. health, relationships, school, work etc. The point is that she is undoubtedly in pain and how she is dealing with that pain is the issue.
Some general thoughts from Daniel...
If she is saying things like, "I have woken up every day for class and haven't done anything stupid yet." these are what I call manifestations of denial, i.e. rationalization and minimization, which are indications that there is a dependency, that a relationship with alcohol exists, a relationship that serves to relieve pain (grief, sadness, loss and whatever other painful feelings are there). Although it might appear to her that there isn't a problem or dependency, as we know, this relationship progresses over time, impairments in functioning and judgments will increase; that is, she hasn't done anything stupid yet, yet being the operative term.
As far as "feeling bad about having to ask for help" usually there is shame related to having a problem, needing help, carrying on a secret relationship (like a secret love affair) with alcohol, which imposes a wedge between her and all of the significant others. Overtime her life will revolve around alcohol at the expense of other relationships. Additionally, the illusion of control is common, when there has been a loss of control for quite some time. Having difficult acknowledging a problem and seeking help for it is the norm, always to be expected.
Has her drinking affected your relationship with her in any way? She is going to need you as a reality check as her denial will make it impossible for her to accurately and realistically assess the severity of the problem or whether a dependency exists at all. It would behoove the both of you (her and the relationship you have with her) to take her up on her suggestion that you confront her. It sounds to me like you are going to need to confront her about this because you are a witness and you care about her. There are a number of ways to go about this. You probably do not need to get in her face, not that you would anyway, but rather feel comfortable discussing her drinking as a concern as it has become excessive and constant. You can explore with her by asking questions along the lines of whether there is any connection between her mother's death and an increase in drinking. You may want to ask her about how aware she is about what has been going on with her on an emotional level, how has she been coping since her mother's death. Of course you can always recommend that she seek individual therapy with someone who is savvy and who could educate her further about substance abuse and associated problems, i.e. health, relationships, school, work etc. The point is that she is undoubtedly in pain and how she is dealing with that pain is the issue.
posted by RelationshipVision at 5:16 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home